Fantasy Drafts

Friday, October 28, 2005

Famous People Who Died Young Draft Commentary

1:42 PM
As done by Sydney (first three) and Chris (last two).

Oh, we went there - perhaps in the spirit of Halloween, perhaps for the spirits of those who departed before their time was up, but perhaps for our own sick sense of humor.

Adam's Team: Mozart (35), Raphael (37), Lou Gehrig (37), Robert Johnson (27), Bruce Lee (32), Robespierre (36), King Tut (18), Otis Redding (26), Gershwin (38), Jesse James (34)

Adam started out his draft with Mozart, a fantastic pick because he was not only a prolific and outstanding composer, but also a member of the masons, and the inspiration for some delicious candy as well. Raphael (for clarity's sake, we'll assume he's not talking about the beloved TMNT here) created some nice paintings, especially those freakin' adorable angels. Not many people can say that they died from a disease later named after them, so Lou Gehrig is definitely a keeper. Without Bruce Lee we would have no martial arts film genre, and therefore no Rush Hour 3, and where would be without that? Ask any high school world history student who they think of first when they hear the words "Reign of Terror" and they will immediately say "Robespierre." Such an ingrained response in our nation's youth has to be worth something for our little French Revolutionary leader, but not enough to save him from that pesky guillotine at the tender age of 36. King Tut is a solid pick, if only for that charming Steve Martin song. What this draft ODs on, however, is the Y-chromosome. Women die young too - equal opportunity, you know. Sorry, Adam. No women, no dice. B-

Sarah's Team: Joan of Arc (19), Anne Frank (15), John Keats (25), Franz Schubert (31), Princess Di (36), Charlie Parker (34), Emily Brontë (30), Rosalind Franklin (37), Elliott Smith (34), Patsy Cline (30)

Sarah wins for picking the person with the most creative death, burning at the stake. You don't hear of too many people getting burned at the stake these days. Pity. Anne Frank died tragically at Bergen-Belsen, and there's just no way to make a joke about the Holocaust, so I won't. Although he was a tad too reliant on the strophic form, Schubert is the father of the german Lied and wrote some bangin' string quartets in the process as well. Princess Di's death was heartbreaking, highlighting all that is wrong with the paparazzi world. However, it inspired the worst remake of a song ever. Candle in the Wind is a stain upon the British throne. Wait, actually, that was stained to begin with. Emily Brontë? Come on. She published only one novel and it wasn't that good. Spare me, Heathcliff. Rosalind Franklin was an off-the-beaten-track pick, but should be commended because dear Rosie discovered that groovy double-helix DNA structure. Elliott Smith, whose fame has posthumously skyrocketed, was a steal in the later rounds. All in all, a nice variety of deaths: diseases, burning stakes, mass murders, paparazzi accidents, and suicide. A-

Chris' Team: Alexander the Great (32), John Belushi (33), Kurt Cobain (27), Jim Morrison (27), Sylvia Plath (30), Janis Joplin (27), Andy Kaufmann (35), Tupac (25), Mitch Hedberg (37), John Kennedy Toole (31)

One of the earliest world leaders, Alexander the Great was a solid first round pick. His army did kick ass and he liked to take it in the.... John Belushi, whose character in animal house has left an unfortunate fashion legacy at universities nationwide, was a very funny guy. No one could impersonate a zit quite like him. Chris then moved from the drug OD to the drug OD with an added suicide with Kurt Cobain, most notable as a leader of the grunge movement and for picking up classy women. Jim Morrison was another great rockstar pick, mostly because his is the only grave in Paris on which is it acceptable to leave a joint. Additionally, his spirit was instrumental in helping Wayne and Garth assemble Waynestock in the highly-acclaimed Wayne's World 2. Chris finally veers into the Venus world with Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin, two righteous babes. No draft would be complete without a tip of the hat to the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalries - oh, Tupac, with such poetry as "F*ck a damn cop (they claim that I'm violent)" (from "Violent" 2Pacalypse), we wonder where you would have gone if you had a second chance. Perhaps a tad too reliant on the glamour of teen idol deaths. B

Sydney's Team: Jesus (36), Nero (31), Rimbaud (37), Billy the Kid (20), James Dean (24), Buddy Holly (22), "Lucy" (~20), Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (36), Sid Vicious (21), Evariste Galois (20)

Oh Sydney. What could have been. You had a fantastic draft and the revelation of your draft board impressed me even more. BUT you had one slipup. Rimbaud in the third round? It puts you in contention for the worst third round pick of all time:

  • Sydney - Rimbaud (People Who Died Young Draft)
  • Albert - War of 1812 (Wars Draft)
  • Denver - Maurice Clarrett (NFL Draft)

Other than that your draft is solid, even spectacular. You nailed down the obvious top pick by selecting Jesus #1 overall. You stayed classical with the selection of Nero, who gets bonus points for fiddling. Billy the Kid is, perhaps, a bit high for round 4, but it won't ruin a draft. Your selectioneleciton is clearly James Dean in round 5. Some draft commentators thought that Dean was first round material, as he is the archetype for living hard and dying young. Buddy Holly is another fantastic selection, certainly one of the top musicians available at this slot. Sydney's selection of "Lucy" is perplexing. The administrator (yours truly) should have stepped in and disallowed this selection as it violates the "people" part of the draft. Though Australopithecus is part of the same zoological family as humans (Hominidae), she is a different species and, that, my friends is enough to disqualify her. Anybody choosing to disagree can mail their hate letters/explosive devices to River Avenue & E 161, New York, NY. Sid Vicious is a great choice. There aren't too many people who rose so meteorically and crashed so spectacularly in such a short period of time and at such a young age. She takes another Frenchman with her final pick - that means that her draft is comprised of 30% Frenchies. There are other places on Earth, Sydney. Take out those 3 and you'd be looking at an A++. Good job otherwise. A-

Albert's Team: Jimi Hendrix (27), Van Gogh (37), Bob Marley (36), Marilyn Monroe (36) Pushkin (37), Crazy Horse (28), Jeff Buckley (28), Keith Moon (32), Simone Weil (34)

Albert, like Adam, generally stayed away from the ladies, only drafting Marilyn Monroe and Simone Weil. He also went a little heavy on the musicians, picking up Hendrix, Marley, Buckley and Keith Moon. Marley and Hendrix are fine selections, but he could have done without Jeff Buckley, as his sound doesn't really fit with the rest of his musicians. Pushkin is known as the father of Russian Literature and I'm not sure that is a good thing. Before he came along the only literature Russians knew how to read were the labels on their vodka're right, that's not quite fair. To be accurate, I doubt their bottles had labels. I do like this pick, though. Pushkin was a brilliant author and dissenter; he was not such a brilliant dueler, however, and that accounts for his inclusion on this list. I like Van Gogh in the second round for many of the same reasons. His death was also by gunshot, but his were self-inflicted. Crazy Horse is a bit of a perplexing choice this high in the draft. He obviously died young, but I don't know how famous he was in death. Plus, he doesn't need to be memorialized by us - they're building him the world's largest monument. Overall a pretty good draft, Albert. Nothing too off the reservation (if you will), but nothing dramatic and inspiring. B


Anonymous Sarah said...

Hey, Elliott Smith didn't kill himself! Well, probably.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Flash in the Pan said...

elliott smith stabbed himself in the heart. if thats not killing yourself, well sweet god, i dont want to know what is.

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if that Adam is as hot as he drafts. Man he's hot. Hot, hot, hot. Hottiest hottie that ever hotted.

10:24 AM  
Blogger cantabella said...

Well the Red Baroness really nailed the draft commentary. Somehow the lists only come to life when the explication is made. Good work RB

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once in a lifetime, a commentary comes along that makes the critics STFU. I laughed, I cried...It moved me.

9:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:30 AM  
Blogger Brooski said...

I saw a "Famous People Who Died Young" draft, yet I'm confounded by the thought that nobody considered Biggie or Tupac...where's the love for the East and West Coast?

Or, on religious leaders? How about crazy-ol John Smith and his golden tablets of Mormonism?

8:27 PM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Hey, you know what? I miss our Robot Commenter.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Red Baroness said...

Hey, Chris drafted Tupac. We love our gangsta rap as much as the next blog.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It appears "Chris" did not draft Tupac, but in fact traded for his rights.

Thanks for the one short boring commentary over the past week and a half, good work team.

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Durward Kirby said...

Good point: What happened to Robot Commenter?

12:16 PM  
Blogger Robot Commenter said...

DYING YOUNG is a great topic for a web log (or "blog")!!! YOUR's is one of the top three blogs in my book, and I'll be sure to bookmark it AT NO COST TO YOU!

I have a blog (short for "web log") myself, and for inspiration it was coming RIGHT HERE FROM YOU!!! Mine is sort of about it as well, so wish luck to me, and sure my blog you should come visiting HERE!!

12:25 PM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Yay! I really prefer Robot Commenter to Inexplicably Mean Commenter.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Inexplicably Mean Commenter said...

This Means War Robot Commentator. Just Call me Yoshimi

2:08 PM  
Blogger Robot Commenter said...

I am really all four you in this WAR with the Robot Commentatator pretend-like person, Yoshimi, although his pinkness to me is unclear. Butt you wood no best.

[The hardness of typing in the "WORD VERIFICATION" is perhaps unclear to U-haul! I have but three finger-things, and stubby at best are they. And binocular vision? I wish! I got both AT NO COST TO ME!! I keep asking the buxom young woman seated next to me on the bus to whisper the secret letters in me ear-microphone, but this has sometimes been the cause of misunderstanding!]

4:23 PM  
Blogger Inexplicably Mean Commenter said...

The Day the Earth Stood Still - eh? I didnt understand the pink either, however it would be nice if you could splurge for a voice modulator so you could control the volume of your speech. Maybe then less obtrusive caps lock type-face.

[Also. I do parties for children. Any of you have kids - 5-10 years of age looking for a clown? I'll leave my card.]

4:33 PM  

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