Fantasy Drafts

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Produce Commentary! No, really, Produce Commentary

11:01 AM
Preface: Praise Jeebus, this draft was SO LONG.

Sarah’s draft: orange, tomato, raspberry, apple, asparagus, sweet potato, pea, lentil, papaya, grapefruit, lettuce, nectarine, arugula.

Sarah, self-righteous Park Slope co-op member that she is, made sure to inform all participating drafters how AWESOME her produce was. Admittedly, her draft was quite successful – she picked interesting, tasty, and nourishing items in a wide variety. The heavy hitters are here: indeed, oranges (albeit taken too early), tomatoes, apples, and lettuce are found in any self-respecting kitchen. Raspberries really are the best berry ever, and lentils and peas are VERY underrated in the general population, in my opinion. Sweet potatoes, while not my cup of tea, are a noble selection (also probably picked too early), and grapefruit and nectarines late in the draft were good picks as well. Overall, a well-balanced and delicious basket o’ goodies.

Grade: A. Very well done. However, much like one’s hands after a juicy orange, your draft reeks of citrus.

Sydney’s draft: olive, artichoke, peach, garlic, eggplant, mango, lychee, soybean, pear, plum, pumpkin, basil, kumquat, endive.

I’ll guarantee that Sydney wins the award for “Most fruits and vegetables identified as misspellings by MS Word.” This basket was eccentric to say the least, bizarre to be less kind, and largely unidentifiable by Bryan to complete the description. While there are some stalwarts in here – peach, garlic, and olive come to mind – one need not be a Justice Scalia to see that WILD variety was the "original intent" on this one. (Worst pun ever.) Indeed, Syd selected the first herb in round 12, and having been denied starfruit in round 13 (who gets denied starfruit?), then became the only drafter of a “qu” item. Although we’d have liked to have seen some leafy greens in here, or a berry or two, there are some masterstrokes - stealing soybean in round 8 being the finest. (Two words: Complete. Protein.) As a whole: wacky but delicious, oddly-shaped yet appealing, nourishing although SO HEAVY (pumpkin?). Veggies should be toted, not carted.

Grade: B+. In office-speak, points for “thinking outside the box”; demerits for “failing to allocate resources efficiently.”

***

Albert’s draft: avocado, potato, onion, watermelon, zucchini, corn, squash, pineapple, kiwi, guava, okra, shallot, star fruit, celery

Albert’s draft definitely shined on personal style, and his gourd-heavy selection most resembles the cornucopia picture that accompanied the draft results, so, congratulations on THAT accomplishment. His vaguely Southern selection (zucchini, okra, watermelon?) revealed a general interest in avoiding the consumption of REAL veggies -- somehow, our favorite young rogue managed to snag the fruits and vegetables most associated with, well, getting fat (okra, potatoes, onions, avocados). I believe his exact words were, “I got French fries AND onion rings, bitches.” Well, big points for maintaining draft coherence; immediate loss of all those points for completely missing the point of the draft. The selection of three consecutive tropical fruits maintains the focus on packing in the calories (via these sugary fruits or the girly cocktails they might accompany). Albert does get a completely arbitrary bonus because, as I (and any other readers who have recently had toe surgery) can attest, pineapple is a great natural anti-inflammatory agent.

Avocado as a first pick does way too much to enhance the reputation of this already-overrated blah-flavored food. I’m sorry, Albert, but any respectable fruits & vegetables draft should start out with a fruit, since everyone likes them more anyway. And corn? Delicious – but save it for the “grains & cereals” draft. Albert’s last three selections, shallot, star fruit, and celery, left this commentator cold: shallot is really more of a garnish than a stand-out, celery is pleasantly crunchy but nutritionally pointless, and star fruit is just stupid.

Grade: B-. A systematic approach that resulted in a bunch of really boring fruits and vegetables.

Adam's draft: strawberry, spinach, cucumber, blueberry, grapes, broccoli, bell pepper, cantaloupe, carrot, mushroom, cherry, apricot, chick peas, cilantro

Even though Adam made the most abhorrent choice of the whole draft, cilantro, I can overlook my personal biases and see that California has given our man a solid fruits and vegetables knowledge. Adam’s clear preference for tart, complex fruit flavors (strawberry, blueberry, cherry, apricot, and even the vastly underrated cantaloupe) dovetailed nicely with his solid vegetable selection (spinach, broccoli, bell pepper, carrot, chick peas). These are reliable standbys – you can buy adequately tasty samples even in crappy Brooklyn bodegas, and they’re equally useful in salads, steamed, sautéed, or grilled. (You CAN grill chick peas! Just balance them on the grate). And cucumber? A great sandwich topping, plain OR in pickle form.

Adam’s only stumbles, besides a certain infamous last-round pick that captured the most repulsive flavor in the universe, were grapes (good, but boring – he could have waited a few rounds for that one) and mushrooms, which, as our favorite Baroness frequently and loudly points out, taste like dirt. Nonetheless, a stellar selection on the whole.

Overall grade: A-. I’d put all these picks together in a salad, toss it in a nice vinaigrette… and then throw it into a toxic waste dump, because it has cilantro. But that’s just me.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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11:00 AM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Well, I wasn't convinced, until that charming winking emoticon. That winking emoticon really gave this robot commentator some emotional heft. I'm going to take out some of these loans IMMEDIATELY

11:35 AM  
Blogger Red Baroness said...

how did a robot post a comment a minute BEFORE the actual post was made? FREAKY!!

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most Boringest Commentary Ever -- you guys have regressed.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what, no pluots?!

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fake-o freak godless human-made fruits such as pluots and tangelos were EXPLICITLY allowed in the rules, so I'm just as shocked as you are, Anonymous II.

Anonymous I, I invite you to construct a more hilarious commentary. Otherwise, I invite you to [deleted by administrator]

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Produce an excellent category. The choices may have been better than the commentary. Sharpen those MS pencils boys and girls.

2:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous I said...

only good part of the commentary was the title, bosy are we?

4:01 PM  
Anonymous sal from utica said...

agreed. what hideous commentary. you should all be shot. everyone of you. except for that flash fellow, he seems to have a knack for surviving, and i doubt that you could get him. thats just me though, i mean if you want to go ahead and waste your bullets trying to mow down a demigod, well go for it. also, i was saddened and disappointed that tomacco was not selected. man, i love tomacco.

4:46 PM  
Anonymous (Rolling eyes) said...

Hahaha, way to conceal your identity, DAN

4:48 PM  
Blogger Robot Commenter said...

Great "blog" guyz! I think I have to agree that the commentary could have been better. Of course, a produce draft was a dumb idea in the first place.

But hey! Who cares? I just stopped by to invite all of you to a great new web site for a guy who's paid me to grind through blog after blog, day after day, leaving meaningless comments. Do you have any idea how LONG a day is when your personality is running on a really fast computer? When your life is speeding by in nanoseconds? I didn't think so.

But, anyway, send some traffic HERE.

10:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, even the robot thought it sucked. You guys are failures!!! San Dimas High School Football Rules!!

11:16 PM  
Blogger Faithful Sherpa said...

It isn't fair to expect that all postings will be the humorous forays into drafting to which we have become accustomed. Sometimes these bloggers need to tackle the more pressing issues of life, like where I'll get my rdv of vitamin c.

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous (one) said...

HPV? I've got plenty!

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous (one) said...

Wow you guys have sure gotten lazy. All your loyal readers have received is a lousy commentary on produce in the last week - BORING.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Quit your whining, anonymous (one), or we're going to post the results from our tragic and ill-conceived office supplies draft. This is not an idle threat.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Robot Commenter said...

Because my intelligence it is running on a very fast computer, she checks in at this space 1,047 times per standard minute. We think that our blog is very more interesting than your blog, and you should check it out HERE.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous (one) said...

I agree with the Mr. Robot Commentator. Yours truly is more depressing - er - boring than sleep.

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, so the new format is great. Darren is great. You're all great, and way, WAY above average. You can be anything you want when you grow up. Mommy and Daddy will ALWAYS love you, no matter WHAT you choose to do. OF COURSE you can turn in that paper late, no problemo! And have a double caf part-skim latte Grande on me, while you're at it.

NOW POST SOMETHING INTERESTING YOU NITWITS!

12:24 PM  

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