Fantasy Drafts

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Wars Draft - Expert Commentary

5:30 PM

As a subjective, bitchy and extremely partial individual, I feel that I am uniquely qualified to not only evaluate the wars draft, but to assign grades to each participant's selections. If you're feeling a bit unsure of your world (a.k.a. European and American) history I highly suggest you Choe.

In today's complicated world there are few things that are as easy as the first choice in a fantasy draft of wars throughout history. Thus, Albert chose the only possible first pick with his selection of World War II. No other conflict has so influenced the world in which we live. Period. He followed that up nicely by picking the wars of Alexander the Great. Some may have felt this to be a stretch, but I disagree; A the G's epic conquests and voracious sexual appetite are the things legends, and Oliver Stone movies, are made of. Here I must give pause to alert you, dear reader, to scroll down if you are averse to swearing and capital letters - Albert's next choice forced my hand. THE FUCKING WAR OF FUCKING 1812? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? With the 11th pick of the draft Albert just laid a huge egg. The only rational explanation for this has to be that he got stuck in the birth canal and was deprived of a sufficient amount of oxygen. He did get sweet redemption in the 4th round when he chose the Seven Years' War. Sadly, for some inexplicable reason, the draft administrator/TYRANT (Sarah) ruled that the North American portion of this conflict, the French and Indian War, also fell in with this pick. In that case it was a good steal...there is hope for Albert's draft yet.....And in the fifth round he squanders any opportunity to redeem himself. Russo-Japanese War. Who cares? Negotiating the end to this tiff couldn't have been more difficult than eating my Crispix this morning, but did I find a Nobel Peace Prize in the box of cereal? Albert did well for himself with his seventh round selection of the Norman Conquests of England. Any event that is manly enough to survive for 1000 years on a woven tapestry is worthy of our admiration. The Mexican-American war isn't a bad choice to round out Albert's draft, that Thoreau wrote Civil Disobedience as a protest against paying taxes for the war is a plus. The minuses? The major players included James K. Polk and Zachary Taylor. Also Wilmot Proviso is pretty darn fun to say.

Albert's Draft: World War II, Wars of A the G, War of 1812, Seven Years War (including French and Indian War), Russo-Japanese War, Balkan Wars, Norman Conquest of England, Mexican-American War. Final Grade: B-. An obvious pick, 2 sexy picks, 1 decent pick, 2 blech picks and 2 crappy picks.

Sometimes, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to see that your opponents are fantasy drafting from a set of different criteria than you are. This is clearly the case in Sarah's draft and I will attempt to adjust my criticisms accordingly. She started off with the American Revolutionary War, a pick that, when initially made, I didn't like too much. After a bit of reflection, however, I find it to be more than adequate and probably worthy of a top 3 selection. It influenced countless other revolutions, gave credence to the greatest intellectual generation in our country's history, encapsulated the American spirit and was so intense that only an Australian could play an American hero. Sarah the begins to go off the deep-end by choosing the Second Boer War. She then attempts to redeem herself by noting that her draft choices are motivated by the "funny-sounding names" of the wars rather than any redeeming value. Tsk. Tsk. Gurkha war? Was that about pickles?

Sarah's Draft: American Revolutionary War, Second Boer War, Punic Wars,
Hukbalahap Rebellion, Mau Mau Revolt, Futbol War, First Schleswig-Holstein War, Gurkha War. Final Grade: Inc. A good pick, 2 decent picks, 5 what the hell? picks.

Adam's draft was all about the civil wars. The US, Russian, Chinese and Spanish Civil Wars make up half of his draft portfolio. Most trained observers agree that Adam's probably dealing with some sort of identity crisis and it is important to note that he has a bumper sticker that says I "My Bolshevism Ran Over Your Fascism." And the Russian Civil War? Great pick. Any time you can get Winston Churchill talking about strangling babies AND involve a treaty with the word "Brest" in it, you've got my vote. The 30 Years War is one of my favorites and it was stolen right out from underneath me, so kudos to you my friend. As for the rest of his choices, the Sino-Japanese war is a good value pick, but it lacks the sexiness of the rest of WWII. But hell, scorched earth may be attractive to some. This pick combines with the Taiping rebellion to give Adam the highest military casualty count AND the "Most Asiatic Draft" Award.

Adam's Draft: US Civil War, Russian Civil War, Thirty Years War, Chinese Civil War, Sino-Japanese War, Taiping Rebellion, Spanish Civil War, Falklands. Final Grade: A-. Strong Draft, US Civil War was probably a reach and I doubt anybody would have selected the Taiping Rebellion. Falklands was a throw away.

Given his draft performance, you would have to say that Dan's quite the Franco-phile. In succession (haha) he chose the French Revolution, World War I, Napoleonic Wars and the War of Spanish Succession which all took place in or involved the French. Not terrible choices, though I don't believe the French Revolution worthy of a first round pick. He did get the coolest of the wars of Louis XIV, and in the fourth round no less! Reversing the old adage, the War of the Roses was actually a better war than it was a movie as it gave rise to a strengthened English monarchy. For rounds 6 and 7 Dan took a Hellenistic turn, selecting the Peloponnesian and Trojan Wars. I am surprised the Trojan wars fell to round 7 and Dan did well to snatch them up with the 34th overall choice. The Six Days War never did it for me and I don't feel that it was worthy of a selection in our draft. Those Israelis were pretty damn sneaky though.

Dan's Draft: French Revolution, World War I, Napoleonic Wars, War of the Spanish Succession, War of the Roses, Peloponnesian War, Trojan War, Six Days War. Final Grade: A. Solid overall, makes up with a first round reach with late round fireworks.

Occasionally you will see such brilliance in a fantasy draft that it simply obscures the choices of those around it. Such is the case with Chris' picks. Chris knocked around communism with his deft selection of the Cold War, clearly the number 2 overall choice in any wars draft. In snatching up the Vietnam War in round 4 he proved that he is no anti-war, draft-card-burning, pot smoking hippie (NIXON in '08). He exposed himself as a true student of Early Modern Europe (not coincidently his favorite period in history) in taking the French Wars of Religion, the Hundred Years War, the English Civil War and the Wars of the League of Schmalkald. He was able to control the two most important wars of the Reformation, the war that put the nail in the coffin of the Middle Ages and a war that resulted in the formation of a "Rump Parliament." Brilliance. In between all of these choices, he was able to get 2 of the 3 wars of German Unification - thus seizing the R&D capabilities of the Prussian army.

Chris' Draft: Cold War, French Wars of Religion, Hundred Years War, Vietnam War, Franco Prussian War, English Civil War, Wars of the Schmalkaldic League, Schleswig War. Final Grade: A. Touches on some of the most influential wars in Early Modern and Modern history.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow What an dick.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...


10:18 PM  
Anonymous Corky Jones aka 'Jimbo' said...

Russo-Japanese war lead to the Bolshevik Revolution (yay communism) and Japanese hubris for teh D-Day was a more relevant war than this commentary has given credit for.

2:26 PM  

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