50 states draft - commentary, rounds 5-8

Dan offers some mostly-coherent thoughts on the rest of the 50 states draft.

“Folks, welcome to rounds 5-8 of the states draft. After watching one highly touted state after another fall off the board through the first four rounds (caveat: New Jersey, what the hell?), we now venture into somewhat uncharted waters. Gone are the gold mines, the New Yorks, the Californias, the Massachussetts. In their absence we find locales that certainly have promise, but for whatever reason (high hick population, over-saturation of dairy, too many corn fields, lack of a coast (unless they really suck -- I'm looking at you Connecticut)) have fallen to these latter rounds of the draft. That's not to say that these states don't have something to offer each of the fantasy drafters, it just means that they'll have to work a little harder to establish themselves as essential areas in each drafter's portfolio. And so, with that, on to round 5.

In round 5, a bunch of states were picked. Sarah and Sydney took Idaho and Wisconsin respectively with the first two picks. Upon the completion of these selections they immediately issued a press release stating that they were withholding the sale of all mashed potatoes in the United States until their demands were met. They did not issue any demands. Albert, in response to this obvious act of tuber suppression, then drafted Delaware and proceeded to have his new state declare war on these dastardly females. Dan and Bryan, not nearly as militaristic, nor as obsessed with 'taters' as Albert, chose to ignore the infamous potato edict, and instead decided to get back to their Hispanic roots. They drafted New Mexico and Arizona. Chris followed by drafting Michigan, and was quoted as saying, 'no way they can keep me out of law school now, bitches.' Adam finished the round by taking Wyoming, noting 'me and Smokey are gonna get so high. How're you gonna tell me a bear named Smokey doesn't hit this shit. I mean cmon, try to make that argument.'

Round 6 was, to say the least, utterly forgettable. North Dakota, Ohio, Minnesota, West Virginia, Utah, Connecticut, Rhode Island. Sure, the last two east coast states were taken, but if you consider that a bargain in any sense, I have a ibm 286 that I'd be willing to sell you. It's got DOS and everything. You remember DOS, don't you? As for the rest of the round: North Dakota? I guess they're close to Canada. Ohio? They've got Cleveland. Minnesota? The Twin Cities (wouldn't one really big city be that much easier). West Virginia? I suppose that being able to marry your cousin does have some perks (fewer total family members at the wedding). And Utah? Have you ever met a Mormon on a mission? Now imagine a full state of that. Yikes.

Round 7. I'm not gonna lie. I think there were more value picks in this round then the one preceding it. South Dakota and Missouri were both quality choices. Anyone who's been to South Dakota and seen the Badlands, Custer National Park, or the Crazy Horse memorial knows what I'm talking about. Missouri. Well they have St. Louis, which has the Budweiser Brewery, which has vats and vats of cold, cool Busch Light. 'Nuff said. As for the other selections, Albert got good value with his Indiana pick, if not only for the value that the movie Hoosiers brings it. Bryan's pick of Puerto Rico in this round, while at first slightly confusing, makes sense. For, you see, at this point, the drafters were really fishing in the dregs of the state barrel. Oklahoma, Mississippi, Alabama, Kansas, Arkansas, Nebraska. Those are the states that were left on the board, and to be honest, they're all pretty miserable. However, Dan, Chris, and Adam's American loyalty precluded them from taking a territory before all the states were exhausted. For that, they should be commended and given purple hearts. Bryan, conversely, should be (and has since been) tried for treason.

Bryan's trial notwithstanding, we come now to the eighth and final round of this draft. Adam, Chris, and Bryan (obviously attempting to win points with the judge), selected Kansas, Arkansas, and Nebraska with the first three picks of this round. I'd like to say something about them, honestly, but if you lined those three states up next to each other in a bar, I'm not sure I'd be able to tell them apart. That's not to say that I wouldn't go home with one of them at the end of the night, I do things like that. I'm just saying that I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to remember which one it was during the awkward morning after. It'd be even worse when I got home to hang out with my friends, and they'd be like, 'dude, I can't believe you went home with Kansas last night!' and I'd be like, 'shit, Kansas? I was calling her Nebraska all night.' But I digress. The last four picks of the round were the US Virgin Islands (Dan), Northern Mariana Islands (Albert), Guam (Sydney), and Micronesia (Sarah). I don't really know too much about these territories, except the likely incontrovertible fact that the US invaded them many years ago and has since refused to grant them their autonomy. Hooray democracy. And with that, hooray draft, I'm out.”