Fantasy Drafts

Sports Mascots Draft

2006-05-17T16:12:00.000-04:00

Some how, some way, FantasyDrafts made it into an ESPN.com chat. Here, the merciless worshipers of the Worldwide Leader tore into the Breakfast Cereals Draft (well, mostly Sarah's draft). Near the end of the chat Tim from Atlanta asked a simple, but brilliant, question: what would be the first pick in a draft of sports mascots?

We had found our muse. The FantasyDrafters immediately set to work on devising draft boards and working out draft day deals. Sarah and Sydney teamed up for this one. The results are below:

Round 1

Adam - San Diego Chicken
S&S - Notre Dame Leprechaun (Notre Dame)
Bryan - Philly Phanatic (Philadelphia Phillies)
Albert - Phoenix Suns Gorilla (Phoenix Suns Gorilla)
Dan - Youppi (Montreal Canadians/Expos)
Chris - Otto the Orange (Syracuse)

Round 2

Chris - Mr. Met (New York Mets)
Dan - Bernie Brewer (Milwaukee Brewers)
Albert - Chief Osceola and Renegade (Florida State)
Bryan - Donald Duck (Oregon)
S&S - Sammy the Slug (UC Santa Cruz)
Adam - The Oriole Bird (Baltimore Orioles)

Round 3

Adam - Handsome Dan (Yale) (Traded to Bryan for Stanford Tree)
S&S - Boilermaker Special (Purdue)
Bryan - Stanford Tree (Traded to Adam for Handsome Dan and mascot to be named later)
Albert - Traveler (USC)
Dan - Keggy the Keg (Dartmouth)
Chris - Big Red (Western Kentucky)

Round 4

Chris - Colonel Reb (Mississippi)
Dan - Bill the Goat (Naval Academy)
Albert - Bevo (Texas)
Bryan - Sparty (Michigan State)
S&S - Rally Monkey (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim)
Adam - Smokey (Tennessee)

Round 5

Adam - The Fighting Christians (Elon)
S&S - Captain Fear (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
Bryan - Demon Deacon (Wake Forest)
Albert - Testudo (Maryland)
Dan - WuShock (Witchita State)
Chris - Brutus Buckeye (Ohio State)

Round 6

Chris - Chief Wahoo (Cleveland Indians)
Dan - Pistol Pete (Oklahoma State)
Albert - Albert Gator (Florida)
Bryan - St. Joe's Hawk (St. Joseph's)
S&S - Cayenne (Louisiana Lafayette)
Adam - Reveille (Texas A&M)

Worst Comic Strips Draft

2006-05-10T15:31:00.000-04:00

Welcome back folks. We could make lots of excuses as to why there hasn't been a post on FD in a while. I could tell you about the increased responsibilities at my job. Adam could tell you something about his workload vs. the Asian dollar. Sarah could probably tell you something about how we're that much closer to finding a vaccine for AIDS. Yes we would love to tell you about how productive we've been, but that would be a lie. Plus it would get us away from the real reason you haven't seen us recently - because we're lazy.

In that same spirit of laziness, we've decided to draft the work products of the worst/laziest cartoonists out there. Nothing is worse than sitting down with your bowl of corn flakes in the morning, flipping to the comics only to want to gouge your eyes out when you see Cathy, Family Circus or Marmaduke. How do these people sleep at night? Maybe Dickie the Cockroach will save us.

Round 1

Sarah - Cathy
Chris - Family Circus
Sydney - Mark Trail
Adam - Ziggy
Dan - Mary Worth

Round 2

Dan - Rex Morgan, M.D.
Adam - Nancy
Sydney - Barney Google and Snuffy Smith
Chris - Zippy the Pinhead
Sarah - Love Is...

Round 3

Sarah - Marmaduke
Chris - Judge Parker
Sydney - Prince Valiant
Adam - B.C.
Dan - Sally Forth

Round 4

Dan - Rose is Rose
Adam - Mallard Fillmore
Sydney - Momma
Chris - Andy Capp
Sarah - Broom Hilda

Round 5
Sarah - Dennis the Menace
Chris - Heathcliff
Sydney - One Big Happy
Adam - Beetle Bailey
Dan - Baldo

Disasters Draft

2006-03-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

OK, so we're insensitive, we know. We were upset that we weren't at any of these events so that we could liveblog. We're gonna make up for it right here. Rules: Man-made or natural disasters and the major activity had to happen on a single day.

First Round

Bryan: Indian Ocean earthquake and tsunami, 2004
Sydney: Hurricane Katrina, 2005
Chris: Huang He (Yellow River) Flood, 1931
Sarah: meteor that killed the dinosaurs, 65 million BC
Adam: atomic bomb attack on Nagasaki, 1945

Round 2

Adam: terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001
Sarah: eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, 79 AD
Chris: nuclear disaster at Chernobyl, 1986
Sydney: sinking of the Titanic, 1912
Bryan: Hindenburg explosion, 1937

Round 3

Bryan: Challenger explosion, 1986
Sydney: Great Fire of London, 1666
Chris: Eruption of Krakatoa, 1883
Sarah: Lisbon earthquake, 1755
Adam: Pearl Harbor attack, 1941

Round 4

Adam: San Francisco earthquake, 1906
Sarah: Kashmir earthquake, 2005
Chris: Bhola cyclone, 1970
Sydney: Shaanxi earthquake, 1956
Bryan: Great Chicago Fire, 1871

Round 5

Bryan: Exxon Valdez oil spill, 1989
Sydney: atomic bombing of Hiroshima, 1945
Chris: bombing of Pan Am Flight 103, 1988
Sarah: sinking of USS Maine, 1898
Adam: Bay of Pigs invasion, 1961

Round 6

Adam: sinking of the Lusitania, 1915
Sarah: Galveston hurricane, 1900
Chris: Tangshan earthquake, 1976
Sydney: 10th Plague, death of firstborn, c1300 BC
Bryan: Val di Stava Dam collapse, 1985

Round 7:

Bryan: Boston Molasses disaster, 1919
Sydney: Kristallnacht, 1938
Chris: Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire, 1911
Sarah: Al-Aaimmah Bridge stampede, 2005
Adam: crash of the Beechcraft Bonanza, 1958

Round 8:

Adam: eruption of Mt. Tambora, 1815
Sarah: crash of TWA Flight 800, 1996
Chris: Bhopal chemical leak, 1984
Sydney: crash of Valujet 592, 1996
Bryan: Beirut Embassy bombing, 1983

Supplemental Draft:
Albert's NCAA Bracket

Olympic Events Draft Guest Commentary

2006-03-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

(cue timpanies) BUM BUM BA-BUM BUM BUM BUM BA-BUM BUM Good evening, and welcome to the Fantasy Draft of the 28th Olympiad. My name is Mike Walsh and I am coming to you plausably live from the Winter Olympics mecca of Houston, Texas, home to 'Merica's top bobsleigh driver, speed skater, and brush-clearer. I am honored to provide up close and personal analysis of this latest Fantasy Draft, following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Jim McCay, Bob Costas and John Tesh. I have been following the Olympics since the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, the games of Brian Boitano, Eddie the Eagle and the Jamaican Bobseld team, and am one of 5 Americans to actually watch the Olympics last month. Now, let's go out to the Bardonecchia for the latest in the competition, which I will pretend is coming to you LIVE but really happened 10 days ago.

Sydney: Bobsleigh, Gymnastics, Diving, Weightlifting, Track (Hurdles), Handball, Beach Volleyball, Skeleton

Spending most of her childhood raised by wolves in the wilderness of Manitoba, Sydney has overcome more than most to compete in this Olympic draft. Her draft is a reflection of her upbringing, with a tendency to follow the pack. All too often, rather than taking the best sport available, she took the weaker of similar sports, such as Diving after Swimming was off the board, Hurdles after the Marathon and Sprints were taken, and Beach Volleyball after Volleyball.

Some analysts will say that she reached by taking Bobsleigh first overall, but given the recent Winter Olympics she can immediately capitalize on a fan favorite (who can resist the sound of cowbells as sleighs slide down the track with rastafarian hair-doos, lucky eggs, and John Candy as their coach). Sydney also had some strong selections late in the draft, including Handball and Skeleton. Handball is a Dirk Nowitzski-type sport with proven European skills that could transform American sport (or, like Darko, flame out due to American indifference), while Skeleton is an intense sport with tremendous upside that will nicely complement the superstar of Bobleigh.

All in all, this is a draft with flashes of greatness, but overall mediocrity. The draft never asserts itself, stuck in the shadow of stronger, more confident drafts.

Country: Canada (Smiley Face Sticker). Nothing intimidating, but likeable all the same.

Chris: Swimming, Figure Skating, Skiing, Decathalon, Short Track, Baseball, Ski Jumping, Snowboarding

With a draft that both NBC and Madison Avenue can love, Chris is drafting for Mom, Apple Pie, and the good ol' U. S. of A. Where others went for cute sports that fascinate us for a couple weeks every four years, Chris was looking beyond the arena for marketable athletes. These are the sports that lead to Wheaties boxes and trips to Disney World - Michael Phelps (swimming), Michelle Kwan (figure skating), Bode Miller (drinking skiing), Dan and Dave (decathalon), Anton Apollo Ohno (short track), Tommy Lasorda (baseball), Shaun White (snowboarding) and the Agony of Defeat Guy (ski jumping) are examples from recent Olympics of the marketing power that Chris's portfolio contains.

Though this is unquestionably the strongest draft, I must say that this draft favors the commercialism of the games over the purity of sport. The Olympics should be a place where stars are made by their own actions in the arena, not by 30 second spots for Nike. Though Chris may win, there is a romantic quality to the niche sports that only enter our consciousness for a quadrennial fortnight, where athletes toil in anonymity for one chance on the world stage to display their skills. I, for one, would rather cheer for the underdog. We'll return to the Sports Reporters after this.

Country: USA (Gold Medal). Yeah, you probably will win, but everyone else will enjoy the schadenfreude when you don't.

Albert: Ice Hockey, Football (Soccer), Boxing, Wrestling, Triathalon, Tennis, Cycling, Curling

Though this is not the most dominant team, it is certainly the broadest portfolio of the draft, displaying a Joycean thread of inexplicable continuity mostly rooted in kicking someone else's ass. The best part of hockey, outside of the flying V, is the fighting; the best part of soccer, outside of Sly Stallone leading the Allies to Victory over the Nazis, is the inevitable kidnapping/assassination of a Latin American superstar following an own-goal. Boxing and Wrestling are both predicated on beating up someone while wearing as little clothing as possible, while any triathlete can definetely kick my ass. Even in tennis, you get tennis-dads putting hits out on other players, while in cycling the entire country of France wants to kick Lance Armstrong's ass (though not until after their nap).

As a former member of the Philadelphia Curling Club, I appreciate Albert's selection of Curling. This is a sport with tremendous updside, featuring established support in Canada and a ready-made American audience in Floridian shuffleboarders. Obviously, curling is the exact opposite of an ass-kicking sport, but it is still a worthy selection. Kudos, Albert.

Country: Ireland (Bronze Medal). Despite their reputation as a jolly, diminutive, cereal-hawking people, modern American college athletics have advanced the stereotype that all Irish are "Fighting." (In reality, a better moniker would be the "Layin' Down in BCS Bowls Irish"). Enjoy the bronze medal, Fightin' Alberts.

Adam: Luge, Table Tennis, Basketball, Volleyball, Fencing, Badminton, Modern Pentathlon, Yachting

If the Olympics were dominated by athletes weaned on brandy and trained on the fields of Cambridge, this would be the team to beat. Unfortunately, this Chariots of Fire team has no hope in the modern Olympics where NBC requires athletes to overcome more than a poor selection of scotch in the Eating Club; furthermore, when you remove the aristocratic names the sports don't sound like they should even be a part of the Olympic Games.

Luge (sledding) is a fun word to say, includes an event where two guys lay on top of one another. If Pat Robertson wasn't so busy calling for hits on foreign leaders, the 700 Club would definetely be calling for a boycott of this sport. Table Tennis (ping-pong), Volleyball (volleyball), Fencing (running at your brother with a stick), Basketball (play keep-away from your annoying cousin), Yachting (Dad why did you drive the boat into the dock?) and Badminton (hit the birdie over the net already, Grandma) are events that seem more appropriate at your next family reunion than at the Olympic games.

One exception to Adam's Family Reunion is the Modern Pentathlon. This is a fascinating event that was designed to emulate the skillls required of a 19th century officer (thus the word "Modern" in the title), and whose most famous competitor was George S. Patton. Patton finished 5th in the 1912 Stockholm games; ironically, his worst event was the shooting (fortunately his military career would emphasize his slapping skills).

Country: Poland (Thanks-for-Participating Certificate). Europe's public park (everyone uses it from time to time), where most of these sports can be played.

Sarah: Marathon, Track (Sprints), Water Polo, Speed Skating, Biathlon, Rowing, Archery, Field Hockey

Sarah is relying on individual success to win this draft, choosing only two team events. Speed will be the hallmark of this collection, whether it be on the roads, track, ice, skis, or skulls. Chris's team may be the most marketable, but this team will likely yield the most compelling up-close and personal stories. Imagine the possibilities with the one-legged marathoner, or the water polo-er who is afraid of water - team sports may get the heavy press, but this is where Bob Costas is going to find the people that make you cry.

From a sport standpoint, this is a strong to very strong portfolio. The speed is always exciting, but is the weapons that really excites me about this team. Biathletes and archers both get to shoot at targets, and will be very good at defending the Olympic Village from intruders, as will the water polo team (inevitably the guys who would get drunk and start fights in college) and the field hockey team (they come armed with nuclear weapons, as the best teams are from India and Pakistan).

Country: Germany (Silver Medal). A solid mix of speed (sprints = Autobahn), endurance (marathon = Germanic Tribes vs. Rome), and heavy armaments (biathlon = Blitzkrieg, kinda), lead to success and a strong desire to overrun Adam.

Thanks to the entire FantasyDrafts.com staff for the guess appearance. Please remember, Fantasy Olympic Sports is for entertainment purposes only. If you or a loved one is addicted to Fantasy Olympic Sports, you may want to seek professional counseling immediately.

Olympic Events Draft Results

2006-02-15T17:25:00.000-05:00

Sigh. I don't think anyone knows the rules to this draft. Below is a draft of olympic related items. If you're really bored (particularly at work) feel free to click - and waste hours of time.

Round 1:
Sydney - Bobsled
Chris - Swimming (Fishy)
Albert - Ice Hockey (Air)
Adam - Luge
Sarah - Marathon

Round 2:
Sarah - Track (Sprints)
Adam - Table Tennis
Albert - Soccer (Volleys) (Headers)
Chris - Figure Skating
Sydney - Gymnastics (Ouch)

Round 3:
Sydney - Diving
Chris – Skiing
Albert – Boxing (OJ)
Adam – Basketball
Sarah – Water Polo

Round 4:
Sarah – Speed Skating
Adam – Volleyball (OneSlime)
Albert – Wrestling
Chris – Decathalon
Sydney – Weightlifting

Round 5:
Sydney – Track (Hurdles)
Chris – Short Track Speed Skating
Albert – Triathalon
Adam – Fencing
Sarah – Biathalon

Round 6:
Sarah – Rowing
Adam – Badminton
Albert – Tennis (Topless)
Chris – Baseball
Sydney - Handball

Round 7:
Sydney – Beach Volleyball
Chris – Ski Jumping
Albert – Cycling (Uni
Adam – Pentathlon
Sarah – Archery

Round 8:
Sarah – Field Hockey
Adam – Sailing (Speedboat)
Albert - Curling
Chris - Snowboarding
Sydney - Skeleton

Shameless Popularity Plug

2006-02-15T14:16:00.000-05:00

Well, according to this guy, bloggers are supposed to put the word "brrreeeport" in their blogs. Let no one say that Fantasy Drafts is not at the cutting edge of cool or immune to social bandwagons. Brrreeeport away!

Columnists Draft Guest Commentary

2006-02-13T11:43:00.000-05:00

Outsourcing has struck again. Yes, the drafters were a bit too lazy to do commentary this time around and have found a much cheaper labor alternative in Bombay. Well, she may not come from Bombay, but she does like Bombay Saphire. When not writing about child pornography, this guest commenter (a scorpio) enjoys playing T-ball and grilling. I introduce to you the commentary of Miss Kate Blosveren, aspiring policy wonk.

Sarah's Draft: 1. Hendrik Hertzberg (New Yorker) 2. Michael Kinsley (Slate) 3. Judith Martin (Miss Manners) 4. Sebastian Mallaby (WP) 5. Nicholas Kristof (NYT) 6. Louis Menand (New Yorker) 7. Verlyn Klinkenborg (NYT) 8. Dahlia Lithwick (Slate)

Sarah certainly wins for having the most columnists that I did not know by name immediately, which is a dubious, yet inconsequential to the grading, honor. Not being a reader of the New Yorker, it is a bit of reach for me to come out in fully support of picking Hendrik Hertzberg first, but considering I know how much Sarah loves the New Yorker (as the sole New Yorker of the bunch), I have no problem saying that’s fine and moving on. Kinsley is a cool choice and as the founding editor of the awesomely amusing Slate, he certainly has my respect.

Miss Manners’ real name is Judith Martin. Well, you learn something new everyday. This is a pretty fun pick, even if her advice rarely informs my etiquette. She wins real points, however, for writing this bitchin’ review of Empire Strikes Back.

Sarah’s next two choices are a bit uninspired. Mallaby and Kristof are both good writers, but it seems to me that these picks are more representative of Sarah’s esteem the Post and the NY Times than for the columnists themselves. I don’t have much to say about Sarah’s choice of Menand beyond that, at this point, it’s just nice to see non-political columnists being chosen. Sarah finishes with Klinkenborg, whom I had never heard of before taking on this assignment (should I have?), and Dahlia Lithwick, whom I read regularly, making her Even Steven in my book.

Grade: B+. Sarah’s love of Slate won me over.

Chris' Draft: George F. Will (WP) 2. Paul Krugman (NYT) 3. Tony Kornheiser (WP) 4. William Safire (NYT) 5. EJ Dionne (WP) 6. Bob Novak (CST) 7. Maureen Dowd (NYT) 8. George Vecsey (NYT)

Now I must give Chris credit for bucking the trend, and drafting a conservative columnist first. While the rest of the gang went with more obvious choices for highly educated readers residing in Blue states and/or districts, George Will is a commendable and unique first selection - even though I always personally prefer the Newsweeks that feature Anna Quindlen on the last page.

I understand the allure of the NY Times op-ed page, but Paul Krugman is not someone I can get behind. He’s the kind of NY Times writer that gives liberals a bad name. He is a better choice than boring old Bob Herbert, but much weaker than the later picked Maureen Dowd and Nicholas Kristof.

Chris’s next three picks were all fairly solid, perhaps the highlight of his entire selection. Tony Kornheiser does his sports thing well and is a nice deviation from your first two choices. As an fan of good old etymology, I’ll give you credit for snagging Safire. Since I am a personal fan of all things E.J., that choice also gets you points from this commentator. However, from this point on, Chris’ draft becomes a bit weak and repetitive. Bob Novak, well, just imagine me doing a big old fake “HACK” sneeze right now. Dowd and Vescey are both good picks, on their own, but they represent your third and fourth NY Times columnists.

Grade: C+. While a lover of all things New York Times myself, it shouldn’t compose half of your picks. My advice: diversify.

Adam's Draft: 1. Thomas Friedman (NYT) 2. David Brooks (NYT) 3. Charles Krauthammer (WP) 4. Christopher Buckley (Forbes) 5. Peter Gammons (ESPN) 6. Carl Hiaasen (Miami Herald) 7. Mort Kondracke (Roll Call) 8. Lexington (Economist)

Thomas Friedman is the obvious first choice in a world where even five year olds talking about the flattening of the world, and arguably, the columnist that carries the most weight (to anyone not an economist). David Brooks as the second pick completes a strong one-two punch, gets Adam’s NY Times’ picks out of the way early, and makes room for a wide breadth of selections.

Although I’m no fan of neocons, Krauthammer is the self-appointed president of this gang (seriously, you should have seen him rough Bill Kristol up in that street fight, that was some crazy shit) and, according to a hyperlink on Wikipedia, is “Jewish,” which is an amusing use of technology.

Christopher Buckley? No, you must be mistaken and mean William Buckley, who’s dead and hasn’t written a column in some time. Wait, he has a son? Who is an editor of Forbes? Oh. That’s cool. Moving on: Peter Gammons. He’s no Bill Simmons, but an original pick that I can totally get behind. Carl Hiassen, well, I’d never heard of him and may never hear of him again, but he’s from Florida, which is nice for him, and he apparently writes about the environment, which is nice for all of us.

I’m all about Adam’s Kondracke pick, partially because he writes for a smaller niche newspaper – which is a nice change from the more mainstream sources otherwise represented – and partially because I really dig his writing. Adam rounds out his draft with the illusive Lexington of the Economist, which might go a further in my book if he was the sole Economist columnist selected, but still wins points for being something different.

Grade: A-. While there was a slight falter in the middle (again, Christopher Buckley? Really?), this is a commendable set of picks.

Sydney's Draft: 1. Frank Rich (NYT) 2. James Surowiecki (New Yorker) 3. David Broder (WP) 4. Alex Ross (New Yorker) 5. William Saletan (Slate) 6. Gene Weingarten (WP) 7. Tim Harford (FT) 8. Roger Ebert (CST)

Sydney starts with Frank Rich, who, while over the top sometimes, is an ace writer and a logical first pick. Surowiecki, well, I don’t know the guy, so I don’t have too much to say beyond that he does have a good resume, but his bio on Wikipedia is truly disappointing in comparison to other picks. I’m tempted to add something, maybe a Polish hyperlink. Is he even Polish?

David Broder, while not as bombastic as EJ, is arguably the best op-ed columnist at the Washington Post, so points to Sydney for that lucky pick. Again, Alex Ross means as much to me as Surowiecki, which isn’t that much, but whatever.

Sydney’s choice of William Saletan demonstrates her love of science and mockery, but is also one of the more creative picks across the board. While Gene Weingarten is clearly a poor man’s Dave Barry, in light of the predetermined rules of the draft barring Dave Barry from being chosen, his status is elevated from sloppy seconds to an acceptable substitute. Tim Hartford writes for the Financial Times, which I just learned today. That’s all I’ve got on him.

Sydney’s final choice of Roger Ebert is near fantabulous and is only weakened by Ebert’s overwhelming recognition for his television show rather than his column. However, I give the man respect for putting up with Roeper, a sad replacement for the late great Gene Siskel.

Grade: A. Syd’s draft includes political writers, music and film reviewers, a science critic, a satirist, and an economist who writes "Dear Economist". That’s a tight draft in my book.

Columnists Draft Results

2006-01-27T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well, after the usual groaning and bickering, we all decided that columnists would be defined as writers who currently published a regular column for some sort of newspaper/magazine, online or otherwise. We were all sad we couldn't pick Dave Barry, but there are RULES, people.

Round 1
Sarah: Hendrik Hertzberg
Chris: George F. Will
Adam: Thomas Friedman
Sydney: Frank Rich

Round 2
Sydney: James Surowiecki
Adam: David Brooks
Chris: Paul Krugman
Sarah: Michael Kinsley

Round 3
Sarah: Judith Martin
Chris: Tony Kornheiser
Adam: Charles Krauthammer
Sydney: David Broder

Round 4
Sydney: Alex Ross
Adam: Christopher Buckley
Chris: William Safire
Sarah: Sebastian Mallaby

Round 5
Sarah: Nicholas Kristof
Chris: E.J. Dionne
Adam: Peter Gammons
Sydney: William Saletan

Round 6
Sydney: Gene Weingarten
Adam: Carl Hiaasen
Chris: Bob Novak
Sarah: Louis Menand

Round 7
Sarah: Verlyn Klinkenborg
Chris: Maureen Dowd
Adam: Mort Kondracke
Sydney: Tim Harford

Round 8
Sydney: Roger Ebert
Adam: Lexington
Chris: George Vecsey
Sarah: Dahlia Lithwick

Best Picture Oscar Winners Draft Results

2006-01-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Wow. This draft was totally unexpected. There are so many people I need to thank. Just so many people. This project...this whole thing is the product of so many people. So many people make this possible. Wow, this statue is heavy...

I'd like to thank the Academy for respecting my work. Heck, I'd like to thank them for reading it in the first place. To be honored for my accomplishments just makes me...it just overwhelms me. I've been working so hard, all of us have, at this for, what? 8 whole months now? This is just amazing, all of this work.

But I need to thank people. Like Albert and Bryan, and Sarah and Chris for participating. And people like Dan and Justin who were there from the beginning and who have supported me, even though they can't always participate. And then Sydney, so loved by so many for her contributions to me. She's great. Thank You! And sweet, dear Adam. Making almost every draft, a true champion. And the...

Turn that music off! I'm not finished. I'm not done! No. You let Roberto Benigni act like a circus carny on speed. And you won't even let me thank God!

There we go. Like I was saying, I'd like to thank the man who made this all possible. Darren Delaye. You're a champion. And the bloggers. And the people of blogspot.com. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to plug people, but they do such a great job and...look at me, I'm tearing up.

So finally, I'd like to thank the readers, without you this wouldn't be possible. And I know that the only people who read this are the people I mentioned in my speech, but I don't care. Thank you to the audience, you give me the energy and the comments to keep this going. Thank you. San Dimas High School football rules! Goodnight!"

Round 1
Albert - Casablanca
Bryan - Ben-Hur
Sarah - The Godfather
Chris - Gone With the Wind

Round 2
Chris - Lawrence of Arabia
Sarah - West Side Story
Bryan - The Deer Hunter
Albert - Patton

Round 3
Albert - On the Waterfront
Bryan - The Godfather Part II
Sarah - All About Eve
Chris - Schindler's List

Round 4
Chris - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Sarah - Out of Africa
Bryan - The Sting
Albert - Silence of the Lambs

Round 5
Albert - Gandhi
Bryan - Braveheart
Sarah - Annie Hall
Chris - Midnight Cowboy

Round 6
Chris - Forrest Gump
Sarah - American Beauty
Bryan - Rocky
Albert - Driving Miss Daisy

Round 7
Albert - In the Heat of the Night
Bryan - Gladiator
Sarah - S. in Love
Chris - The French Connection

Round 8
Chris - Unforgiven
Sarah - Titanic
Bryan - Platoon
Albert - A Man For All Seasons

S. & S. Music Factory Commentary Jam Session – Board Games

2006-01-05T12:48:00.000-05:00

Adam’s picks: Monopoly, Go, Risk, Parcheesi, Stratego, Othello, Hex, Quarto

Here’s the thing about Adam’s games: I have only actually played two of them, ever. I mean, what the hell is “Hex”? “Quarto”? Did Adam just make these up or what? Yeah, OK, Adam, I’ll follow your “Quarto” with MY genius pick of “Praxatron.” Best. Game. Ever.

Anyway. Monopoly, a lovely first pick by any stretch of the imagination, kind of grates on me because I think it’s a stupid game, and it’s WAY too high-maintenance – board, game pieces, property cards, money, chance, community chest, houses and hotels, dice – in addition to being a huge pain in the neck to play, the game is ruined forever if the dog chews up even a tiny portion of it! That doesn’t happen with chess, my friends, and you can ask the half-shredded white bishop in my house if you don’t believe me. But I won’t begrudge Adam this choice, since it is the archetypal non-generic board game. Plus it’s perhaps the only game for which people display quite that level of fervent, violent loyalty to particular game pieces (I’ve seen people trade away vast amounts of money before the game has even started for, say, the wheelbarrow.)

Go is allegedly one of the great games of all time, but it’s insanely complicated and requires a lifetime to master and, let’s face it, who doesn’t just want to play some Museum Caper Clue instead? Risk has a pretty hilarious premise, until people start taking it too seriously, and then it’s just unsettling. I’ll admit that I’ve never played Parcheesi and haven’t the faintest idea what it entails. Why yes, I AM too lazy to look it up. Thanks for asking. And would it be possible to come up with a name stupider than “Stratego,” which, in addition to being really half-hearted-sounding, doesn’t even have the same pronunciation as the word from which it purportedly derives? In the future, stick to sober, adult game names such as “Hungry Hungry Hippos,” OK?

Luckily, Adam’s draft is totally redeemed by the brilliant sixth-round pick of Othello. Incredibly straightforward, yet surprisingly entertaining. You can play it in a car, you can play it at the bar. You can play it in my house, you can play it with a mouse. Well, not really, but you CAN make a homemade version that works pretty well.

Final grade: B. Big points for classics, and confused sheepish overcompensating points for games I’ve never heard of, but ultimately this draft only contains one game that’s actually fun.

Sydney’s picks: Trivial Pursuit, Clue, Battleship, Connect Four, Chinese Checkers, Operation, Scene It?, Twister

Let’s get one thing straight: I freaking love Trivial Pursuit. I could take or leave the whole dice-rolling, wedge-involving, rainbow-ordered-circle-making, legitimate “game” part of it, but there’s just nothing more enjoyable than sitting around and reading Trivial Pursuit questions to pass the time. That said, a certain incident circa sophomore year of high school, involving some really OBVIOUS cheating, has poisoned my relationship with Trivial Pursuit vis-à-vis Sydney. So let’s just move on.

Clue is an absurd game (and what’s the deal with those tiny pencils they give you?), but it has a certain peculiar charm, I think. Nice second-round grab. Battleship is idiotic beyond description, but it was the first vertical board game pick in the draft, and for that, I am impressed. Connect Four is one of the most enjoyable games in this entire draft, AND it had one of the catchiest little jingles in the history of commercials. Go for it! Connect Four! Go for it! Connect Four!

Chinese checkers is a nice, simple game that also makes a good last-minute desperation gift, since there are so many tasteful, attractive versions of it. Operation may be riddled with egregious medical inaccuracies, but any game that teaches children to embrace invasive surgery as a solution to minor physical problems is OK in my book. I don’t know what Scene It? is, but any game with a pun AND “pun”ctuation in the title wins me right over. And Twister was a smart last-round pick, even though (come ON) it’s not really a board game. Also, those of us who have serious problems distinguishing left and right have always hated it because it draws attention to our bizarre brain deficit. But we can at least recognize that other people seem to consider it a classic.

Final grade: B+. A great draft, but sorry Sydney, cheaters don’t get As.

Chris' Picks: Scrabble, Checkers, Yahtzee, Boggle, Cranium, Trouble, Sorry, Guess Who

Chris started out with the very strong pick of Scrabble. Any game that rewards people for their prowess of two-letter words gets a star from this commenter. Checkers is a standard. Who doesn't like saying "King me"? Yahtzee, while not technically a board game (where’s the board, you may ask), is fun and requires almost no skill. Boggle is an excellent game (although its boardgame-y-ness is also debatable), especially when your opponent is a beginner and can only find words like "eat".

Getting back to board games that use actual boards, Chris selected Cranium. Cranium is truly the chimera of board games, combining other games such as Name that Tune, Pictionary, Charades, Trivial Pursuit, and a spelling bee, to name a few. It also involves clay that gets all over whatever surface it touches.

Sorry was a heart-wrenching game. Getting sent back to the beginning was always such a drag. Guess Who, while a last round pick, is a sexist, sexist game. There were maybe 5 cards with women on it and if you picked a woman, you were basically screwed, making any player hate women. For this very reason, this commenter is opposed to Guess Who.

Final Grade: C+. Nice start, but this was a draft of boardgames.

Sarah’s Picks: Chess, Backgammon, Candyland, Mastermind, Life, Mancala, Museum Caper Clue, Chutes and Ladders

Sarah began with the be-all-end-all of board games, Chess. I mean, people devote their lives to the game and develop computer programs to play it. And then the computer programs duel each other! If that’s not a board game, I don’t know what is.

Sarah, truly the child at heart of this draft, ended up with both Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. What’s not to like? They’re both fun and colorful, with incredibly simple rules, very much the gateway drugs of board games, leading children onto harder games like Mastermind.

Mancala and Mastermind both got bad reputations due to their close associations with classrooms and terms like “high educational value.” I could never truly enjoy a game I played in class. Life could be fun, especially with pink and blue kids in the back of the car. Much like real life, losing the game of Life was not fun. Coupled with the potential Social Security collapse, the game instilled fear of entering the not-as-nice retirement community in the hearts of many.

Final Grade: B. Chess is great, but let's face it, Life is depressing.

Board Games Draft

2006-01-03T19:48:00.000-05:00

Originally the brilliant, talented and impossibly good looking kids at fantasydrafts.blogspot.com wanted to use the wikinition of board games as: "any game played on a board (that is, a premarked surface) with counters or pieces that are moved across the board."

We (that is to say this draft's tyrannical administrator) applied a completely subjective definition to what constitutes a "board game." At first I tried to justify my seemingly arbitrary decisions with pesky words, but then I finally settled on "What do I think of when I hear the term 'board game'?" If you really want me to, I suppose I can come up with a definition that allows Yahtzee, Boggle and Twister and excludes Pictionary, Taboo, Dominoes and Oujia boards. But I'm not going to. You can debate it in the comments.

Round 1
Sarah - Chess
Adam - Monopoly
Sydney - Trivial Pursuit
Chris - Scrabble

Round 2
Chris - Checkers
Sydney - Clue
Adam - Go
Sarah - Backgammon

Round 3
Sarah - Candyland
Adam - Risk
Sydney - Battleship
Chris - Yahtzee

Round 4
Chris - Boggle
Sydney - Connect Four
Adam - Parcheesi
Sarah - Mastermind

Round 5
Sarah - Life
Adam - Stratego
Sydney - Chinese Checkers
Chris - Cranium

Round 6
Chris - Trouble
Sydney - Operation
Adam - Reversi (Othello)
Sarah - Mancala

Round 7
Sarah - Museum Caper Clue
Adam - Hex
Sydney - Scene It?
Chris - Sorry

Round 8
Chris - Guess Who
Sydney - Twister
Adam - Quarto
Sarah - Chutes and Ladders

The Great American Novel....s Draft

2005-12-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

After much squabbling, griping, bickering, whining, walking back and forth over the Brooklyn Bridge, and the inevitable couple of vicious mob killings, we squeaked out quite a lovely American Novels draft, if I do say so myself. All novels originally published in the U.S. were eligible.

Thus marks the end of the Era of Cutesy Little Comments about Justin in the Sidebar. And the beginning of the glorious Era in which Three-Person Drafts Are Considered Acceptable.

Sydney: Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
Justin: Melville, Moby-Dick
Sarah: Nabokov, Lolita

Sarah: Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Justin: Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Sydney: Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Sydney: Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises
Justin: Faulkner, The Sound and the Fury
Sarah: Ellison, Invisible Man

Sarah: Wharton, The Age of Innocence
Justin: Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
Sydney: Irving, The World According the Garp

Sydney: Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five
Justin: Stowe, Uncle Tom’s Cabin
Sarah: Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls

Sarah: Stegner, Angle of Repose
Justin: Kerouac, On the Road
Sydney: Roth, American Pastoral

Sydney: James, Portrait of a Lady
Justin: Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
Sarah: Morrison, Beloved

Sarah: Wolfe, Bonfire of the Vanities
Justin: Heller, Catch-22
Sydney: Alcott, Little Women

Sydney: Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Justin: Kesey, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Sarah: Roth, Portnoy’s Complaint

Sarah: Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
Justin: London, Call of the Wild
Sydney: Dick, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Breakfast Cereal Draft - Commentary

2005-12-20T16:28:00.000-05:00

The drafters are true Americans. We love apple pie, Ike, urban sprawl, wiretaps of dubious legality and the nuclear family (which, no thanks to the godless democrats, is dissolving). And what would the nuclear family, and America, be without breakfast cereal? Probably Iran.

Anyway, the incomparable Matt did a wonderful job taking time out of his schedule to build a draft board for the breakfast cereals draft. Now that those pesky law school finals are done, Matt blinds us yet again with brilliant **GUEST** commentary.

Sarah - Cheerios, Cracklin' Oat Bran, Frosted-Mini Wheats, Wheat Chex, Post Cranberry Almond Crunch, Grape Nuts (Now Gravel Flavored!)*, Corn Chex, Just Right

Sarah started the draft out with a solid, albeit unspectacular, #1 pick in Cheerios. I had Cheerios out of the first two rounds entirely, due to the fact that other than it’s longevity in the marketplace, there’s just nothing interesting or delicious about the cereal. Still, it is a firmly entrenched name in the American kitchen, and favorite Ziploc-baggie snack of toddlers everywhere. She comes through in the second and third rounds with Cracklin’ Oat Bran and Frosted Mini-Wheats – two good selections that provide both taste and some health value (although Cracklin’ Oat Bran does hold the dubious distinction of providing more fat content in a single bowl than two pop tarts). After the selection of Wheat Chex and Post Cranberry Almond Crunch, it becomes very evident that Sarah’s draft angle is “Middle Aged Women Dietary Cereal.” The next three picks, Grape Nuts, Corn Chex, and Just Right all follow this pattern, but come on Sarah…Corn Chex AND Wheat Chex? Isn’t one enough? Overall, it looks like Sarah followed a plan, which is laudable, but I simply cannot discount the fact that the overwhelming majority of her cereals are ones that people buy because they have to, not because they particularly want to.
GRADE: C+

Sydney - Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Life, Honey Bunches of Oats, Kix, Golden Grahams, Smart Start, Muselix, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a great 1st round pick, starting you off with taste and a sugar buzz all at once. One pick into the books and Sydney is off to a flying start. The 2nd round choice of Life is odd, though. It isn’t that great of a cereal, but there is no denying its place in popular culture with “Mikey likes it!” and the ever-persistent urban legend that the kid from “Life” cereal commercials had committed suicide. Similarly quizzical is her pick of Honey Bunches of Oats, a good cereal without a doubt, but perhaps a little early with some other great cereals on the board. She knocks her next two (Kix and Golden Grahams) out of the park; both are great, balanced cereals that provide taste that any kid can get without begging mom and any adult can eat without feeling like an idiot. Smart Start isn’t a bad late round pick, but it isn’t a particularly good one either as it doesn’t seem to fit into any overall draft strategy that I can make out. Her final round selection of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, a good alternative to the already selected Apple Jacks, rounds the draft out nicely. I don’t know where she was going…perhaps I’ll term this draft the “Everyone go pick out a cereal and bring it back to the shopping cart” draft. There’s enough good to outweigh the bad, but if we rewarded just barely breaking even, the Redskins would be staring at Super Bowl status.
GRADE: B

Chris - Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Fruit Loops, Corn Flakes, Total, Granola w/Raisins, Smacks

Chris is a Frosted Flakes fan. I know this, because I've seen him fill and consume many a bowl (for dinner, no less) over the years. His 1st round choice, therefore, comes as no surprise. Frosted Flakes is a great choice: Delicious? Check. Not overly junky? Check. Fun loving cartoon mascot wearing a sexually-questionable neckerchief? Check. Honey Nut Cheerios is a steal in the second round, mainly because it’s just better than Cheerios. Everything you can do with regular Cheerios (cut some fruit up in it, give it to your kid as a snack in the car) you can do with Honey Nut Cheerios and it just tastes better. Regular Cheerios: you’re on notice. Rice Krispies, another pick off the draft board, is a good pickup in the 3rd round as well. It’s a cereal that shows versatility both in and out of the bowl – come on, who doesn’t love Rice Krispie Treats? Anyone raising their hand to disagree is a communist. Fruit Loops is another Bruff-favorite, and in this commentator’s opinion, a better choice than the Fruit Pebbles which went one spot higher. Chris used the late-middle rounds nicely to get the healthier cereals that had slid down the draft board. No arguments for taking it old school with Corn Flakes, but he loses points for selecting Total due to the cereal’s unbelievably annoying commercial featuring waiters bringing patrons stacks of cereal bowls. Are they actually going to charge those people for the 50 bowls of Smart Start it would take to equal the calcium found in one bowl of Total? I ask, because if they’re not, that’s wasting a crapload of Smart Start, and some arrogant waiter is going to be out of a job. Chris rounds his draft out with Smacks, which seems like an OK “last round” cereal even though I can’t recall anyone ever actually owning a full box of the stuff (those little “Variety Pack” boxes were the biggest I ever saw anyone eat). Overall, Chris did a good job striking a balance with his cereals: enough sugar to keep the heart rate up and enough health food to keep the heart beating. Well played.
GRADE: A-

Bryan - Lucky Charms, Wheaties, Corn Pops, Fruit Pebbles, Special K, Smurf Berry Crunch, Nintendo Cereal, Pac-Man Cereal.

In this draft, I weep for what could’ve been. Bryan had a chance to complete a draft that would’ve made him more beloved by children than Santa Claus, Batman, Superman, Mario and Luigi put together…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Bryan opens with Lucky Charms, which for what he was trying to do is the consensus #1 pick. It’s a cereal designed to get kids operating at 100 mph early in the morning. There may or may not be a toy surprise at the bottom but we’re not certain because the sugar has probably dissolved it by the time you eat that far down into the box. There is a cartoon mascot, a slogan engraved into minds across America, and more shriveled marshmallows by volume than the Stay-Puft monster’s grandfather. In short, a perfect #1 selection. He comes back with Wheaties in the second round, which I thought might’ve derailed this draft right as it was getting started – but then I thought a little deeper: this is the ONLY healthy cereal that kids actually beg their parents to get. They don’t want the cereal on the inside (and parents know this), they want the picture on the outside: Michael Jordan, the 1994 Olympic Team, Brandi Chastain in her sports bra, etc. It is a sly, sly #2 pick which continues a brilliant draft strategy. Bryan picks up Corn Pops and Fruity Pebbles in the next two rounds. I see where he’s going, and stop only to quibble with Fruity Pebbles over Fruit Loops. Fred Flintstone stopped being relevant to kids a solid 20 years ago; time to pick a new spokesperson for that particular brand. But then, in the 5th round, Bryan blew it. With glory in his grasp, Bryan comes up short – ball clanking off the iron, ground ball straight between the legs, the stretch coming up just a yard short. Why God, Why? In this case: Special K – why Bryan, why? You had it – you had selected nothing but amazing junk food, kid specialty, “Oh mommy, if I don’t get it, I’ll stand here and hold my breath until I pass out” cereals. You were on the verge, and then you went with Special K?! Kids cereal after kids cereal, each one as delicious as the one before it, and then you go with the soccer-mom diet cereal? It’s a pick so disastrous that it negates the amazing picks of Smurf Berry Crunch, Nintendo Cereal, and Pac-Man Cereal. In another draft, I’d laud them for being tremendously trendy, delicious, and able to pay for college in an eBay auction. In this draft, I look at them and wonder “What If.” Overall, you have nobody to blame but your Special-K loving self.
GRADE: D-

Adam - Raisin Bran, Cap'n Crunch, Crispix, Rice Chex, Banana Nut Crunch, Apple Jacks, Cocoa Krispies, Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches

Adam ends the first round with Raisin Bran, where it probably is more of a steal As I said on the draft board, it is the original (and still the best) “combo” cereal. He follows it up with official cereal of Horatio Magellan Crunch, Jr.: Cap’n Crunch (bandaids for the interior of the mouth optional). Cap’n Crunch is a good pickup here, combining great taste and the only commissioned mascot in the bunch (although, rumor has it, the Corn Flakes chicken did do time as an infantryman in World War 2, though he really hates talking about it). A bit of a snag, perhaps, as Adam selects both Crispix and Rice Chex back-to-back. It’s cool if you love little hollow bits of mesh-patterned things, but otherwise let’s be honest: it’s the same damn thing. I still cannot fault the pick, as you’ve never experienced delicious until you’ve tried some Rice Chex with a little bit of honey drizzled on top. Banana Nut Crunch and Apple Jacks are Adam’s next two offerings, and both are solid choices. Banana Nut Crunch gets points for being both delicious and fairly healthy, but Apple Jacks loses those points right back for having two absolutely terribly slogans: “It tastes more like Apples” and “We eat what we like.” It tastes more like apples than what? Something not artificially flavored to taste like apples? That’s like “The West Wing” being advertised as “The show with more politics.” Idiocy. Adam comes up next with Cocoa Krispies, which I only remember for having a singing monkey as the mascot. Come to think of it, a monkey advertising a “cocoa” cereal probably isn’t the most politically correct thing in the world. I’m either on to something with that one, or I just need to spend less time thinking about cereal at 4 in the morning. Either way, it’s an average pick at best, but not bad as a late round selection. Adam finishes his draft with Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches. Stop. This cereal is simply trying too hard. There’s too much going on in that title. Hell, they probably need to double the size of the box just to fit both the name of the cereal and the obligatory picture of the bowl with cereal and milk. Oates and Peaches, Banana Nut Crunch…Adam’s “Gwent Stefani meets the Presidents of the United States of America” draft was a solid entry, but I expect better from the man only .05 off a perfect score. Adam: you’re on notice.
GRADE: B

*may not contain 100% of your daily requirement of gravel**

**coment may not have been part of Matt's guest commentary**

Breakfast Cereals Draft

2005-12-20T13:14:00.000-05:00

For you regular readers of fsd.bs.com, this draft should come as no surprise. You may have checked out Matt's big board ("That's what she said") and maybe you were playing along at home.

So without further ado, enjoy the results. Some discussion questions for the comments: Most Sugariest? Most Healthy? Whose draft would you want? What cereals did we miss?*

Sarah - Cheerios
Sydney - Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Chris - Frosted Flakes
Bryan - Lucky Charms
Adam - Raisin Brain

Adam - Cap'n Crunch
Bryan - Wheaties
Chris - Honey Nut Cheerios
Sydney - Life
Sarah - Cracklin' Oat Bran

Sarah - Frosted Mini-Wheats
Sydney - Honey Bunches of Oats
Chris - Rice Krispies
Bryan - Corn Pops
Adam - Crispix

Adam - Rice Chex
Bryan - Fruity Pebbles
Chris - Fruit Loops
Sydney - Kix
Sarah - Wheat Chex

Sarah - Cranberry Almond Crunch
Sydney - Golden Grahams
Chris - Corn Flakes
Bryan - Special K
Adam - Banana Nut Crunch

Adam - Apple Jacks
Bryan - Smurf Berry Crunch
Chris - Total
Sydney - Smart Start
Sarah - Grape Nuts

Sarah - Corn Chex
Sydney - Muesli(x)
Chris - Granola w/Raisins
Bryan - Nintendo Cereal
Adam - Cocoa Krispies

Adam - Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches
Bryan - Pac-Man Cereal
Chris - Smacks
Sydney - Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Sarah - Just Right

* N.B. - We don't really care about your opinion.

Songs Draft - Commentary

2005-12-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

Commentary from Albert (last 3) and Adam (first 3) on the recent songs draft. Keep in mind the following: Albert is crazy, and Adam is perhaps one of the most arrogant pricks of all-time.

Chris's draft: Like A Rolling Stone, Dock of the Bay, The Weight, Johnny B. Goode, Heartbreak Hotel, Georgia On My Mind, Unchained Melody, Papa's Got A Brand New Bag, Tiny Dancer, Simple Man

Christopher unequivocally wins the award for "smallest range in year songs were released," and I definitely win the "Most Pointless Award" award. Blessed with the first pick in the draft, Chris saw no point in hiding his goal: keeping Albert angry. While it's not very hard to keep Albert angry, Chris did snatch Dylan AND The Band from under his cute little nose.

In doing so, however, Chris managed to amass a fairly impressive roster of songs, with "Georgia On My Mind" in Round 6 proving a most admirable nab. With suitable balance between ballads, hard-rockers, and plain-old-Good-Songs, his draft shows a true appreciation for the best songs ever recorded - and also Lynyrd Skynyrd. Props for Johnny B. Goode with #24 overall, too.

Slips: "Dock of the Bay" was probably a reach with the 12th overall selection, and Skynyrd doesn't really deserve a spot in the canon. Also, piggybacking on one of the louder (if not entirely legitimate) critiques going around, Chris didn't pick any female performers - though I'm sure he intended to. The results from everyone's favorite suburbanite could probably best be described as a Chipotle burrito - all the ingredients are there in a nice little package, but pinto beans make you fart.

Final grade: B+.

Sarah's draft: River, Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes, My Girl, Let's Get It On, Passionate Kisses, Nightswimming, Eli's Coming, Independence Day, 6'1", Romeo and Juliet

Well, your faithful team of Fantasy Drafters sure managed to build a fire on Main Street, but Sarah shot it full of holes. (Wrap your mind around THAT one, people.) While Sarah has managed to scrape together a leaderboard climb never-before-seen in Fantasy Drafts history (mainly, because such a thing does not exist), the only reaction this commentator had was indeed, "Oh, Mama! Can this really be the end?"

Sarah, full of visions of a world where "River" is the sixth-greatest song of all-time and "Eli's Coming" is a better song than "Wedding Bell Blues," tried to get a little too clever for this draft. With a self-described draft strategy of picking songs she liked instead of songs that were important, Sarah inevitably hampered her ability to please the Powers That Be, namely your commentatorati.

With a few strong showings (Diamonds, Let's Get It On, Romeo and Juliet at the end), Sarah managed to save her grade, but not her reputation for wandering aimlessly off the beaten path. In her quest for variety and quirkiness, her train rolled into Confusion Junction by the end. Quite simply, I refuse to believe that many of these selections are in the top 60 songs of all-time. I'll excuse her desire to avoid the horrific conformity that generally grips a fantasy draft like this, and award her a grade commensurate with her misguided but ultimately reasonable selections.

Final grade: B.

Albert's draft: My Generation, Satisfaction, Folsom Prison Blues, Born To Run, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Another Brick In The Wall (Pt. 2), The Thrill Is Gone, Light My Fire, No Woman No Cry

It appears that for the first seven rounds of this draft, Albert took his strategy from a rebellious 14-year-old's poster collection. While all of these songs are excellent ("Hello, I'm Johnny Cash"), they lack the ingenuity normally required to receive a superior draft grade. I was surprised Albert didn't go ahead and take Bob Saget's Full House performance of "My Generation" instead of the Who's original, and "Born To Run" seemed all too au courant to be a Round 4 pick. Great song; overrated.

Johnny Cash in Round 3 is a defensible move, and getting BB King, The Doors, and Marley to close out his draft was a strong, strong finish. I take a little umbrage with the song choice for his Pink Floyd pick, particularly with it coming in the 6th round, but the irony of Albert working in education (of which, apparently, "We don't need no") makes it OK. "Light My Fire" is an outstanding late-round selection, as I mentioned earlier, and proved outstanding fire-drill tape-loop fodder for my dad back when he was manning the board at WRSU.

All in all, Albert had a reasonable if bland showing - again, you have to spice it up if you want to get some props. This is particularly true of a draft like this, where the bar is set higher for an audiophile like Al. There we were now - we demanded - "entertain us!" And Albert gave us the Fantasy Draft equivalent of Dylan at Newport in '65 - full of expectation, short on content, dissatisfying to true fans and haters alike, but in retrospect not too shabby.

Final grade: B+.

Sydvicious's Draft: Day In The Life - The Beatles ~ All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix ~ Paranoid Android – Radiohead ~ Pride (In the Name of Love) - U2 ~ Say It Ain't So – Weezer ~ White Room – Cream ~ Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel ~ Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen ~ How Soon Is Now - The Smiths ~ Thriller - Michael Jackson

Sydney, the little redhead that could, got out to an impeccable Olson-twinish start, by nabbing a no-brainer top 5 selection (which was also my first pick in our Beatles draft). She followed that up with Jimi’s version of Dylan’s masterpiece All Along the Watchtower, which I had slated at #7. She kind of stumbled with Paranoid Android, and I’ll be up front I don’t really like the band. It seems all their songs sound the same (a subtle attempt to say “I’m a loser babe, so why don’t you kill me”). Also picking them before contemporaries such as U2 & Nirvana maybe gave them a little more clout than they deserve. Sydney may have stumbled but she had a place to fall, and that was in the delicate loving arms of Bono – Pride (In the Name of Love) is a phenomenal song, and U2 truly is a seminal band, a good timely selection in round four. Say It Ain’t So is a wash for me, good song, good band, but nothing really differentiates that musical output from their other songs or Nirvana, RHCPs, Pearl Jam, etc. etc. It’s like getting the same thing at a restaurant every time you go, sure you’ll be happy, but you’ll always wonder what would happen if you got the clam basket. Taking White Room with Layla still on the board is a minor oversight, but points for picking the correct Cream song. I’ll pass by Solsbury Hill because it makes me think of Salisbury Steak and Mac N Cheese microwaveable meals. I like Bohemian Rhapsody, but I think this is a back door attempt to lend credit to her #1 overall selection of a Wayne’s World quote in the movie quote draft. Plus I like Fat Bottomed Girls more (there I said it, wow I no longer feel like Atlas). We’ll bypass How Soon is Now cause Syd had the coup of taking Thriller 59th, it’s the point neuf of the arch de triumph.

Correct Song for the Artist, Correct Round: 4; So-So (I’m fine with it): 4; Iffy (only redeemable with the selection of Michael Jackson): 2…all in all great job.

Final grade: B+.

Bryan's draft: All I Want for Christmas - Mariah Carey ~ For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder~ Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel ~ Scenes From An Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel ~ Toxic - Britney Spears ~ Hit Em Up - 2Pac ~ Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson ~ The Way I Am – Eminem ~ Big Poppa - Notorious B.I.G. ~ My Way - Frank Sinatra

Maybe Bryan got caught up in the death or birth of his savior, or maybe with his sister being home for Christmas he wanted to give his friends something different to talk about, either way he took the sugar-coated bubble gum, big breasted, All I Want for Christmas. This is the biggest train wreck in fantasy draft history, like not only is the band on the field, but some crazy lunatic just drove the Titanic through Lake Placid. The only way he could recover is if you believe in miracles. No! For Once In My Life is a good song, but has nothing on Sir Duke, Another Star, or Superstition. Bridge over Troubled Water is truly an emotional thought-provoking song, and I have no problem listening to it in the dark, sobbing and holding hands (with Bryan’s sister). Billy Joel – We Didn’t Start the Fire, the only way you could go. Rap had a place in this draft and that place was in Bryan’s lap, although taking perhaps the three biggest rappers of the hip-hop revolution surprisingly didn’t bring along some of the biggest rap singles. For my money there is only one thing better than Hot in Herre, Brooklyn Zoo, & We Thuggin, and that’s when she calls me BIG POPPA. My Way could have been the steal of the draft, but well, he had too much help in making the selection.

Anyway I’d like to say I could give Bryan an A for effort, but someone made his last two selections for him, so with a D for effort, his grade gets pulled up to a...

Final grade: D-.

Adam's draft: Dazed and Confused - Led Zeppelin ~ Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys ~ Imagine - John Lennon ~ Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin ~ London Calling - The Clash ~ Into the Mystic - Van Morrison ~ Layla - Derek and the Dominos ~ Love and Happiness - Al Green ~ Crazy - Patsy Cline ~ This Land Is Your Land - Woody Guthrie

I’ll give Adam major points for not taking Stairway to Heaven, and Dazed and Confused is an admirable choice, but I would have gone with Whole Lotta Love. Either way there is very little argument over this selection; like choosing between blondes, brunettes, or redheads, I mean hey, it’s all good. Good Vibrations is just a stellar cool wave of music, a tad early for the second round, but nothing catastrophic, almost gave me excitations. Imagine is a great song, if not better than Vibrations, at least on the same level, great grab in the third round. Chain of Fools is not Respect (the great Otis Redding cover), and in my opinion was quite a faulty choice, while Chain is a tremendous song there is a reason its #2 on the album to R-E-S-P-E-C-T. London Calling was apparently the first selection Adam counseled someone not to take, only to turn around and pick. Cant really fault him for that though, good strategy good pick, just don’t leave him alone with your sister, he might try to date her for like 3 years. What to say about Into the Mystic, I don’t really know – I cant get the image of a bloated Van dancing in a red velour vest at The Last Waltz out of my head – kind of a bland choice, don’t cha think? Layla is a great pick, not quite the woman who launched a thousand ships, but she was stolen from George Harrison; his life was too blissful anyway, he needed his come-upens. If you go Al Green you have to go Let’s Stay Together, just a phenomenal song, truly Al’s masterpiece. Sorry Adam, Zed’s dead. Crazy is a good song, and a woman sings it, of course it’s about her being nuts – aren’t they all though, with their diamond swatches, baby blue pinky rings, and lovely lady lumps. Now for the second GTS of Adam’s draft: This Land is Your Land. I was deciding between it and No Woman, No Cry; I believe Adam said “you have to go Marley.” I did and with the very next pick he took the wonderful Woody Guthrie tune – bravo!

Correct Song for the Artist, Correct Round: 6. So-So, 2 (man Van got a beer belly). Trying to be cool and pick an atypical song: 2. All in all well done, and that’s how I like my steak.

Final grade: A-.

"Songs" Draft - Results

2005-12-13T19:13:00.000-05:00

The gang picked songs today, with some special caveats:
1. Post-1920.
2. No musical theatre (including opera).
3. Songs must have words.
4. Once a song is picked, the artist performing it (specified in the pick) is "locked out," i.e. can't be picked again.

So it ended up being somewhat of a combination draft between artists and songs. Six participated. This one went 10 rounds. Same disclaimer holds ("let us know what you think" ... "we don't care what you think").

The results:

Round 1:
Chris: Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
Sydney: A Day In The Life - The Beatles
Bryan: All I Want for Christmas - Mariah Carey
Adam: Dazed and Confused - Led Zeppelin
Albert: My Generation - The Who
Sarah: River - Joni Mitchell

Round 2:
Sarah: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes - Paul Simon
Albert: Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
Adam: Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
Bryan: For Once In My Life - Stevie Wonder
Sydney: All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix
Chris: (Sittin' on) The Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding

Round 3:
Chris: The Weight - The Band
Sydney: Paranoid Android - Radiohead
Bryan: Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel
Adam: Imagine - John Lennon
Albert: Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
Sarah: My Girl - The Temptations

Round 4:
Sarah: Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
Albert: Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen
Adam: Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin
Bryan: Scenes From An Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel
Sydney: Pride (In the Name of Love) - U2
Chris: Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry

Round 5:
Chris: Heartbreak Hotel - Elvis Presley
Sydney: Say It Ain't So - Weezer
Bryan: Toxic - Britney Spears
Adam: London Calling - The Clash
Albert: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Sarah: Passionate Kisses - Lucinda Williams

Round 6:
Sarah: Nightswimming - R.E.M.
Albert: Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) - Pink Floyd
Adam: Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Bryan: Hit Em Up - 2Pac
Sydney: White Room - Cream
Chris: Georgia On My Mind - Ray Charles

Round 7:
Chris: Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers
Sydney: Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel
Bryan: Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Adam: Layla - Derek and the Dominos
Albert: Friend of the Devil - The Grateful Dead
Sarah: Eli's Coming - Laura Nyro

Round 8:
Sarah: Independence Day - Elliott Smith
Albert: The Thrill Is Gone - B.B. King
Adam: Love and Happiness - Al Green
Bryan: The Way I Am - Eminem
Sydney: Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Chris: Papa's Got A Brand New Bag - James Brown

Round 9:
Chris: Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Sydney: How Soon Is Now - The Smiths
Bryan: Big Poppa - Notorious B.I.G.
Adam: Crazy - Patsy Cline
Albert: Light My Fire - The Doors
Sarah: 6'1" - Liz Phair

Round 10:
Sarah: Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits
Albert: No Woman, No Cry - Bob Marley
Adam: This Land Is Your Land - Woody Guthrie
Bryan: My Way - Frank Sinatra
Sydney: Thriller - Michael Jackson
Chris: Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd

A Landmark Day

2005-12-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, 12 December 2005, Fantasy Drafts was visited by its 5,000th patron. While our general penchant is for self-aggrandizing chest thumpery, we should give credit where credit is due: The Volokh Conspiracy. Good old VC delivered us 703 visitors yesterday, to bring us up to 5,050 at day's end, and we've gotten another 362 today. So yes, nearly 20% of our site's total visitors came in the last 24 or so hours.

Our question is, What the hell are you doing with your time? Are we that funny? (No.) Are we like so many car crashes and Ashlee Simpsons, so-bad-you-have-to-watch? (Maybe.) Are we glad you came? (Yes. Was it good for you?)

In conclusion:
1. Thank you, Anonymous Person from Riverbank, CA.
2. Thank you, everyone, for reading. And searching for things like "teenage mutant shredder bishop," "nasty rotten redheads," and "'unnaturally large' blogspot."
3. Note to Fantasy Drafts Staff: you can stop clicking 'Reload' now.

The Breakfast Cereal Big Board

2005-12-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

It is really amazing how some people can make a living by commenting on and evaluating somebody else's work without having to produce anything themselves. Mel Kiper (pictured), Bill O'Reilly, Sarah, Adam, you get the point. Anyway, our good friend at brooforamerica.com is clearly not one of those people, he simply enjoys fsd.bs.com for the fun of it.

He graciously volunteered to do a draft board for our next draft: Breakfast Cereals. His tracking will certainly be an invaluable ("What a country!") resource. Maybe even Sydney will read it; remember, even though she's fallen down the leaderboard, she has a phenomenal upside.

Fokker, Out.

Cities Draft - Objective Commentary

2005-12-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Because there was so much *opinion* in the last set of commentary, we decided to do a strictly "objective" critique of this week's draft.

Overall #s:
36 Cities Drafted
11 Asian Cities
9 European Cities
7 North American Cities
3 South American Cities
2 Middle Eastern City
2 African Cities
2 Oceania Cities

Most Populous Metropolis: Tokyo (Dan, #5 Overall)
Least Populous Metropolis: Prague (S., #15 Overall)

Most Eurocentric Drafter (tie): Albert (3), Adam (3)

Draft by Avg. Metropolis Population

Chris 14,066,667
Dan 13,670,833
Sydney 11,316,667
Sarah 11,154,167
Adam 7,991,667
Albert 4,700,000

Travel + Leisure Worldwide Rankings (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Sarah: 207.567
Albert: 116.62
Dan: 113.414
Chris: 78.227
Adam: 77.485
Sydney: 41.207

Mercer Consulting's Cities with the Best Quality of Life (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Dan: 46.667
Albert: 42.933
Adam: 38.733
Sydney: 29.867
Chris: 5.600
Sarah: None of her cities were on the list

Traveler's Digest Best Cities To Live (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Albert: 16.625
Dan: 11.375
Sydney: 7.875
Chris: 6.125
Adam: 3.500
Sarah: None of her cities were on the list

Conde Nast Traveler Magazine's Best Places to Live (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Sarah: 148.138
Adam: 147.438
Albert: 143.325
Sydney: 76.825
Chris: 72.450
Dan: None of his cities were on the list

Conde Nast's Best Places to Travel (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Albert: 27.417
Adam: 18.667
Sarah: 15.750
Sydney: 11.667
Chris: 8.750
Dan: 6.417

Some Guy Named Tyler Brûlé's Top 10 Cities in the World (Scores Quality Adjusted)

Albert: 22.167
Sydney: 11.667
Sarah: 10.500
Adam: 1.167
Chris: None of his cities were on the list
Dan: None of his cities were on the list

Overall Rankings (Adjusted Average)

Albert: 3.857
Dan: 3.000
Adam: 2.857
Sarah: 2.714
Chris: 2.571
Sydney: 2.143

The Worst City in the World?
Baghdad (Chris)

Cities Draft -- Results

2005-12-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

Homer: Well, kids, there it is! Capital City!
Marge: Look, the Cross-Town Bridge!
(begin vamp)
Tony Bennett:(singing) There's a swingin' town I know called... Capital City. People stop and scream hello in... Capital City.
Homer: Kids, look! Street crime!
Tony Bennett:(singing) It's the kind of place that makes a bum feel like a king.
And it makes a king feel like some nutty, cuckoo, super-king.
Marge: Look, it's Tony Bennett!
Tony Bennett: Hey, good to see you.
(singing) It's against the law to frown in... Capital City.
You'll caper like a stupid clown when you chance to see...
Marge: Fourth Street and 'D'!
Tony Bennett:(singing) Fourth Street and 'D'! Yeah!
Once you get a whiff of it, you'll never want to roam.
Homer: The Duff brewery!
Tony Bennett:(singing) Capital City, my home sweet, yeah!
Capital City, that happy-tal city,
It's Capital City, my home sweet swingin' home!
All: Capital City! Yeah!

The Cities Draft.

Chris: New York
Adam: Paris
Sarah: Rio de Janeiro
Albert: Rome
Dan: Tokyo
Sydney: London

Sydney: Shanghai
Dan: Amsterdam
Albert: Barcelona
Sarah: Mumbai
Adam: Berlin
Chris: Moscow

Chris: Beijing
Adam: Manila
Sarah: Prague
Albert: Hong Kong
Dan: Cairo
Sydney: Delhi

Sydney: Sydney
Dan: Istanbul
Albert: Washington, DC
Sarah: Cape Town
Adam: Canton
Chris: Buenos Aires

Chris: Los Angeles
Adam: San Francisco
Sarah: Bangkok
Albert: Stockholm
Dan: Calcutta
Sydney: Boston

Sydney: Lima
Dan: Montreal
Albert: Melbourne
Sarah: Mexico City
Adam: Budapest
Chris: Baghdad

Wait, TWO Guest Commentaries?

2005-12-04T18:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, two guest commentaries. For review and unedited critique of our Constitutional Amendments Draft, we reached out to a pair of legal minds whose work product can be at once impressive and confounding (see below).

Salad tong-wielding offspring notwithstanding, two accomplished lawyers accepted our offer and reviewed our most recent draft. Robotic, inexplicably mean, and regular-type commenters may direct their praise or ire to our guest commentators: the fathers of Fantasy Drafts leaderboard titans, Sarah and Adam. Separate posts, appropriate for their widely divergent opinions on our results, follow below.

(For those people whose lives are empty enough to follow our leaderboard: grades will be averaged and counted as one draft grade. Creeps.)

Amendments GUEST Commentary - Part I of II

2005-12-04T17:47:00.000-05:00

Adam's dry-humored father reviews the draft, in the fixed-width font so enamored by public sector attorneys, paired with a writerly voice eerily evocative of several of our staffers:

It has been said that where you stand depends upon where you sit. From where I sit, the Amendments to the Constitution (except the 13th) have pretty much been mistakes, right from the get-go. As many feared at the outset, enumeration of certain rights has not only denigrated others, but given our judiciary (intended by the Founders to be by far the weakest branch) the ammunition in its successful battle for utter supremacy. Oh well, on to the commentary.

Whereas the world is filled with not-too-bad beer, the Constitution hath but 27 Amendments, of which:
* some fix mistakes perceived almost immediately (11 & 12),
* some try to make the point (never yet taken) that the people are more powerful than their Government (9 & 10),
* one does nothing more than cancel another (21 vs. 18),
* three deal with matters of embarrassing triviality (20, 26, 27),
* while two are such obvious mistakes as to make the angels weep (16 & 19).
By my count, that leaves only 16 worth fighting over. Yet our Fantastic Drafters failed to select two (3 and 7), apparently concluding that they’re entirely down with live-in Marine or two from time to time (quartering of soldiers, the 3rd Amendment), and really can’t figure out what all the fuss is about with letting the King’s judges do whatever they damn well please in civil suits (the 7th, guaranteeing juries in cases at common law, and prohibiting routine review on appeal of matters of fact). Our players are perhaps so far removed from the 3rd that it seems only an historical anomaly. And, as for the 7th, our little nimrods – as Masters of the 21st Century – have probably become so comfortable with judicial tyranny that they don’t know it when they see it. Or maybe they’ve just been dodging their jury summonses.

Sigh . . . . But I digress . . . .

Adam’s first selection, and the first selection overall, was, well . . . the First Amendment. Only firm self-control permits us to overcome the vague fear that he picked it only because it was first on the list, thinking perhaps that as such it was bound to say something important. It is, of course, the Amendment most often cited by children when complaining to their parents, and it guarantees the right of all people to practice their religion as they please, free of Government interference (so long as we’re pretty sure they’re not serious.) But his second and third choices (4th & 5th) show that he had a plan: fully half of his selections were single-digit amendments, while no one else got more than one. Come to think of it, perhaps the theme is incipient criminality, since if you’re a terrorist or a professional criminal, the Fourth and the Fifth Amendments are the Daily Double. But he clearly has earned the Bill of Rights Consolation Prize.

Adam’s last three picks all have to do with elections. He stumbled in the fourth round, though, apparently not realizing that the (single digit) Second Amendment was still available, and chose instead the 12th. Mandating separate election of the president and vice-president (so as to avoid the spectacle of the election of 1800, which the dishonest and hypocritical Jefferson stole from Aaron Burr), it represents mere tinkering. Elimination of the poll tax (24th) showed a spark of life, but then going for winter Presidential Inaugurations (with two single-digit amendments available) showed a lack of attention.

Overall, unable to overcome our suspicions about the 1st Amendment, a solid B.

Sydney started off with a bang, snagging the 13th Amendment which, in abolishing slavery, finally dealt with the great shame that the original drafters had had no choice but to kick down the road, while their grandsons in the Senate had prohibited themselves from debating. Perhaps attempting to establish a theme, her second pick was the abolition of sobriety when she staggered away with the 21st. Two bad ideas down the drain. Great start.

There are those who will say that she faltered in the third round, selecting the 10th Amendment. But not so: her choice reveals that she’s a strict constructionist at heart, pining for the lost days of the supremacy of the individual over the mob (plus one grade from this reviewer). Oddly, the much-overlooked Sixth Amendment (the provisions of which we mostly assume as a condition of the universe) was still around for her to snag as her fourth choice (as Chris and Sarah, apparently unfamiliar with our form of Government, passed it up so as not to miss popular election of Senators and Presidential term limits).

We gently harumph past her selection of 18-year-old voting as a foolish error of youth, while applauding her recognition of the importance of the 23rd Amendment. That, of course, is the provision that recognizes that Presidential elections would be completely unfair if the candidates were to start out even, and so automatically awards three electoral votes to the Democrat. Good going, Syd!

No errors. Much subtle insight: A+.

Now, Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. What are we to do with you? You could have been a contender. You passed on the 14th, 16th, 4th, 5th, and, with the third pick overall, went with “unenumerated rights?” Thinking what? That it preserves the average fat guy’s right to unlimited Big Macs?

OK. Maybe I’m being too harsh. There’s plenty of time for recovery. And she picks . . . . WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE!! You understand the history, I suppose?

The Eighteenth Amendment had passed the year before. Men looked forward with horror at a lifetime without self-medication. Without attitude adjustment. And, in their weakened state, blinked, letting themselves be nagged into giving their wives the vote. All-male electorates gave us Washington, Adams, Jackson, Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Wilson. In the first Presidential election with female participation, the girls gave us Warren G. Harding. Good God!

But here she stopped the bleeding, and picked the (by-this-time) only remaining Civil War amendment, the 15th. An omen? A sign??

Indeed. Because it is only AFTER the first three rounds that Sarah begins to shine. We believe it is not impossible that she threw away her first three picks on purpose, and then pointed with her bat to the center-field seats with a wry smile. With the draft more than half over, with nothing but leftovers . . . um, “left over,” she hit three home runs: 22nd, 2nd and 18th. Presidential term limits, the right to bear arms, and Prohibition. Three big ones! Without Prohibition there would have been no Al Capone, no Godfather, no Elliot Ness. No America as we know it! Without the right to bear arms, ordinary Americans could be deprived of their God-given right to own that shoulder-launched anti-tank gun every little boy dreams of.

And, perhaps most important, without the Presidential term-limitation of the 22nd Amendment, we would be subject to endless, week-after-week, season-after-season, term-upon-endless-term blathering from Martin Sheen, reminding us how easy it is to govern the country when you know how everything comes out in the last 10 minutes.

Overall, a stylish if grotesque draft for Sarah: B-.

Like Sydney, Chris came out of the blocks strong, taking the 14th and the 16th Amendments. The first has brought us the unfettered right of every federal judge to do anything he damn well pleases, no matter what the people or the Congress might have said on the subject. And the 16th Amendment brought us the Income Tax. So Chris has immediately established his criteria: Constitutional Disasters; Amendment Root-Canal. Had he selected Prohibition in the third round he would have run away with the “Karl Rove Award” for refusing to get off-message.

But he blinked, and took the weasely Eighth Amendment. That’s the one that says bail and fines are both great ideas, so long as they’re not “excessive.” And then goes way out on a limb and endorses cruel punishment, expresses approval of unusual punishment, but draws the line at punishment that’s both cruel and unusual. You think?

It was downhill from there. After taking the 17th (which eliminates direct influence by the States over the Federal government by permitting direct election of senators), he made a last, best stab at a shoestring catch, and got hit in the face with the 25th. That one establishes all sorts of rules about passing bits of paper back and forth if the President decides he’s gotten a little weird in the head. Much easier to just pass an amendment declaring that, if the President starts cross-dressing, then Sarah Connor becomes president. Simple? Simple. And, for fear of further embarrassment, we won’t even mention his last pick (suits against states? What?)

Dismal, Chris. You should try harder next time. C.

Amendments GUEST Commentary - Part II of II

2005-12-04T16:57:00.000-05:00

Sarah's dad, Professor of Law at Temple and ostentatious enough to link to Fantasy Drafts from Volokh, reviews the Constitutional Amendments draft below. Ivory tower comments have been withheld for decency.

The first thing to notice here are the Undrafteds: Two of the original ten in the Bill of Rights (## 3 and 7), but only one (# 27) of the remaining seventeen. How strange is that?! That # 3 would fail to make the grade was predictable – quartering soldiers in private houses having fallen rather precipitously out of favor during the last 200 years. But surely one would have expected number 7 (jury trials in civil cases) to end up as a solid mid-rounds pick. [It seems as though the all four of you hold the right to jury trial in rather low esteem – amendment 6 ending up being chosen at the end of the fourth round). And surely # 27 deserved a better fate – at least for its high curiosity value (the only Amendment that required more than 200 years to be ratified!).

On to the lineups.

Adam: 1st (Religion and Expression), 4th(Search and Seizure), 5th (Rights of Persons), 12th (Election of President), 24th (Abolition of the Poll Tax Qualification in Federal Elections), 20th (Commencement of the Terms of the President, Vice President and Members of Congress)

A solid and powerful Bill-of-Rights-heavy lineup. Taking the First Amendment with pick #1 was, while perhaps unoriginal, the right move; it certainly can lay claim to being primus inter pares, the one Amendment without whose protections (for freedom of expression, and the “press,” and thought, and assembly), the whole governmental scheme set forth in Articles I – VII could well have fallen apart (as Jefferson wrote: “Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.”) And how about nabbing the powerhouse tandem of 4 and 5? Who would have thought that they would still be available at the end of the 2d round?? [What was everyone thinking? Take away # 4 and the cops are crawling in your underwear drawers and pawing through your private correspondence, and # 5 . . . due process of law, double jeopardy, plus just compensation ...? That’s a third-round pick?]

With that top three, the composition of the rest of the team may not matter so much, which is probably lucky for Adam (though he does seem to have put together an interesting “voting rights and procedures” trio in ## 12, 24, and 20).

Grade: A--

Sydney: 13th (Slavery and Involuntary Servitude), 21st (Repeal of the Eighteenth Amendment), 10th (Reserved Powers), 6th (Rights of Accused in Criminal Prosecutions), 26th (Reduction of Voting Age Qualification), 23rd (Presidential Electors for the District of Columbia)

Sydney seems to have opted, with her rather unusual first-round pick, for historical & symbolic, rather than strictly legal, significance. Abolition of slavery was, of course, a monumental event in the country’s history; but of the three Civil War Amendments (## 13, 14, and 15), number 14 does most of the heavy-lifting (from the perspective of constitutional law). Even without # 13, the Fourteenth Amendment’s requirement of “equal protection” would undoubtedly have done away with slavery; and with # 14 you get all sorts of other powerful stuff, not least of which is the prohibition against any State deprivation of “life, liberty, or property without due process of law”; it was this Constitutional provision that the Supreme Court relied upon for holding that the protections of the Bill of Rights (which speak only to Congress’s power) were enforceable against the States). (Plus, there’s a reason place-kickers – even really good place-kickers – don’t get picked in the first round of the draft ... the drafters know very well that they’ll be around in later rounds ... Same for # 13, surely).

And her second round pick is truly bizarre – repeal of Prohibition, while ## 4 and 5 are still available?? What was she thinking? It wasn’t even clear we needed an Amendment to accomplish repeal – couldn’t we just (as we do with the repeal of statutes) just excise the offending Amendment (#18) from the Constitution?

Some nice mid-rounds choices here, though, picking up two of the remaining Bill of Rights Amendments in rounds 3 and 4. But overall Sydney’s fans (and they are legion) were surely muttering to themselves at the post-draft confabs.

Grade: C+

Sarah: 9th (Unenumerated Rights), 19th (Women's Suffrage Rights), 15th (Rights of Citizens to Vote), 22nd (Presidential Tenure), 2nd (Bearing Arms), 18th (Prohibition of Intoxicating Liquors)

Another interesting first-rounder, the deeply misunderstood and often disparaged Ninth. Such a simple idea – just because we haven’t enumerated a right, doesn’t mean we (the People) don’t retain it – though it has been awfully hard, over the years, to know exactly what to make of it and/or how to enforce it. Too bad Sarah didn’t get to pair it with its equally misunderstood close cousin #10 (any powers not expressly delegated to the federal government are retained by the States and/or the People), although nabbing #2 in round 5 does give her a nicely libertarian-tinged lineup. Sarah also manages to put together a nice “extension-of-the-voting-franchise” duo with ## 19 (no denial of the right to vote “on account of race or color”) and 15 (no denial of the right to vote “on account of sex”) – I wonder if she would have reversed the order had she been a black woman?

And it’s true that there wasn’t much left on the table by round 6, but still – # 18? The only Amendment that was ever repealed? While ## 7 and 27 are still available? Hmm ...

Grade: B

Chris: 14th (Rights Guaranteed, Privileges and Immunities of Citizenship, Due Process and Equal Protection), 16th (Income Tax), 8th (Further Guarantees in Criminal Cases), 17th (Popular Election of Senators), 25th (Presidential Vacancy, Disability, and Inability), 11th (Suits Against States)

A great start, with the heart of the Civil War Amendments, # 14 (projected by most pre-draft commentators to be a No. 1 or No. 2 pick, for sure). Overall, though, it’s a little hard to see the theme in Chris’ lineup. He’s got a solid “federal power at the expense of the States” group -- ## 14, 16, and even 17 – but then he goes for #11, the prohibition against lawsuits “against one of the United States by Citizens of another State,” an amendment that the Supreme Court has held incorporates the notion of State “sovereign immunity,” and one on which the Rehnquist Court has relied heavily in its recent “new federalism” rulings, attempting to rein in Congressional power and carve out domains for State, rather than federal regulation.

Grade: B

Amendments to the Constitution draft -- results

2005-11-28T16:45:00.000-05:00

Those of you who are avid fantasydrafts.blogspot.com fans might have noticed that a certain demographic of beer-obsessed shut-ins felt some contempt for our choices in the last draft. So we thought, let’s draft something we know really, really well.
Since we’ve already drafted Simpsons characters, we decided to go for our second-favorite thing besides TV, namely, FREEDOM!

Behold the mighty Amendments to the Constitution draft. Any readers who aren’t comfortable with the handy Constitution Shorthand deployed here (“what the hell is ‘suffrage’?”) are advised to consult the full text.

Adam: 1st (Religion and Expression)
Sydney: 13th (Slavery and Involuntary Servitude)
Sarah: 9th (Unenumerated Rights)
Chris: 14th (Rights Guaranteed, Privileges and Immunities of Citizenship, Due Process and Equal Protection)

Chris: 16th (Income Tax)
Sarah: 19th (Women's Suffrage Rights)
Sydney: 21st (Repeal of the Eighteenth Amendment)
Adam: 4th (Search and Seizure)

Adam: 5th (Rights of Persons)
Sydney: 10th (Reserved Powers)
Sarah: 15th (Rights of Citizens to Vote)
Chris: 8th (Further Guarantees in Criminal Cases)

Chris: 17th (Popular Election of Senators)
Sarah: 22nd (Presidential Tenure)
Sydney: 6th (Rights of Accused in Criminal Prosecutions)
Adam: 12th (Election of President)

Adam: 24th (Abolition of the Poll Tax Qualification in Federal Elections)
Sydney: 26th (Reduction of Voting Age Qualification)
Sarah: 2nd (Bearing Arms)
Chris: 25th (Presidential Vacancy, Disability, and Inability)

Chris: 11th (Suits Against States)
Sarah: 18th (Prohibition of Intoxicating Liquors)
Sydney: 23rd (Presidential Electors for the District of Columbia)
Adam: 20th (Commencement of the Terms of the President, Vice President and Members of Congress)

Hey baby, you're looking good tonight... Beer Draft: The Commentary

2005-11-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

They say that you can learn a lot about a man (or woman too i suppose) by what he drinks, how he drinks, and where he drinks it. For the sake of our esteemed group of drafters, I certainly hope this is not the case. For if it is, based on the selections drafted, we're a bunch of namby pamby 20-something yuppies who would rather sit around a hot new nightclub drinking overpriced imported beers than down quarter dollar pitchers of mller or red dog and get into knife fights with Clem, Hal, and the rest of the guys. Yikes. Well, enough soul searching, onto the commentary.

*Note: The commentary for Chris, Sarah, Albert, and Adam was completed by yours truly, Flash in the Pan. Hired Hand wrote the commentary for Dan. Almost Ignatius J took care of Sydney (did he ever). Please direct your hate-filled messages accordingly. Thank you.

Chris:

Guinness
Harp
Shiner Bock
Negra Modelo
Dogfish Head IPA
Abita Amber
Rogue
Pete’s Wicked Ale

Chris started the draft out strong. His selection of Guinness with the first overall pick was as close to a consensus number one as this reviewer can determine. Not only is it a delicious beer, but you can drop a shot of bailey’s in it and car bomb the night away. His choices of Harp and Shiner Bock in the second and third rounds were equally respectable in their given slots. Both are good beers, be they out of the bottle or from the tap, and I must say, I’ve dallied many a night (and paycheck) away drowning them both. They are not cheap, sadly. Back to the rest of the draft though. Round 4 is when Chris started speaking a language that I, sadly, just don’t understand. Personally, I blame my father for this. Not once during my childhood did he come home drunk. Hell, I can’t even remember him ever even buying a six pack. My mom on the other hand, talk about an abusive drunk. Whoo, and man was the state not happy when they found out about it. Anyway though, back to Chris’ selections. Like I was saying before that aside to my childhood, I had a hard time rating the rest of Chris’ draft, given that I had never had any of the beers. Luckily though, I grew up in DC; I’m a master at talking out my ass about things I haven’t a clue. That said, here goes.

With his 4th and 5th choice, Chris decided to go exotic. Negra Modelo I suppose is a good beer. It's from Mexico, and if there’s one thing Mexicans know how to do, its beer. As for Dogfish Head IPA, well, to be honest, this was the only independent IPA selected in the entire draft, and thinking about it, I know why. It’s because IPAs really just aren’t that good. And that’s saying it nicely. Chris proceeded to spend his next three selections on drafting three more beers. That’s really all I know about any of them. Abita Amber has a nice alliterative name, and therefore must be docked points (can you imagine a drunk guy trying to order that?). Rogue is, uh, yeah, I don’t have anything to say here. And Pete’s Wicked Ale? Well, they sometimes run radio commercials that make me smile, although they never make me want to drink the beer. Take that as you will.

So, to score:
Chris had 3 beers that are likely to be found on tap at a local bar. 4, maybe 5 beers that might be found at your neighborhood liquor or package store. And 3 beers that I’m left scratching my head about. Final Grade: B-

Albert:

Widmer Hefeweizen
Bass Ale
Red Hook
Hoegaarden
Killian’s Irish Red
Molson
Hennepin
Michelob

Widmer Hefeweizen? With the second pick in the draft? Albert, what were you thinking? You may like hefeweizens, you may love hefeweizens, but with the second pick in the draft? Good sir, have you gone daffy? Aside from Adam, I don’t even know if this beer was on anyone’s draft board. Not that it’s a bad beer, and I do actually enjoy it when drinking on someone else’s tab, but the second overall pick. Sorry pal, a bit early for my taste. Luckily, Albert did a fantastic job making up for this first-round blunder by selecting solid, properly slotted beers, throughout most of the rest of the draft. Bass Ale, Red Hook, Killian’s, and Molson were all exceptional choices. Michelob would have fallen into this category as well, although ever since they started promoting the living hell out of Michelob Ultra, I’ve had an increasingly hard time viewing them as a legitimate beer company. I mean seriously, who develops a beer targeted to women trying to keep their caloric intake down and then makes it the flagship beer of their line. For shame Michelob, for shame. You used to be cool. Still though, after considerable thought, I have decided to not lambast Albert on this selection. Michelob still makes some good beer, it’s a well known name, its available. That’s all I’ll say on this subject.

On other subjects, particularly selections numbered 4 and 7 (Hoegaarden and Hennepin respectively), there are a few more things that must be said. First and foremost, what in God’s name were you thinking? You took a beer named Hoe Garden, the only beer designed and distributed by lazy wives intent on making their husbands work the land until their hands bleed. Worse yet, you took it in the fourth round. I bet you didn’t even know that the yeast in this particular brew is replaced with chlorophyll to give the unwitting men a greater affinity for the crops they’re cultivating. Sheesh man, get educated. As for Hennepin, I’m not even going to say anything. Not because I’m above it, but because I know nothing about it. Nothing at all. Is it even a beer? I don’t know.

Now for the scoring:
Albert had five beers that may be found at a local brewhouse. Those same five beers seem to be equally available at local liquor and package stores. On top of this, he also has one beer (the Widmer Hefeweizen) that is something of a rarity, but good when found. On the other hand, he also drafted a beer concocted solely by women interested in getting their men to farm potatoes. Tough choice here.
Final Grade: A-/B+

Sarah:

Pilsner Urquell
Sam Adams
Sapporo
Stella Artois
Brooklyn Lager
Red Stripe
Anchor Steam
Tsingtao

Sarah participated in this draft. And she did it with zest and determination. And for that I applaud her. As for her picks, well, we all know what they say about one hand clapping in the woods, don’t we? A tree falls on it, killing it instantly, and thus making no noise. And so, with that allegory fresh in your minds, I invite you to read commentary on Sarah’s draft.

In her first two rounds, Sarah played it safe. While I can’t say that I believe Pilsner Urquell is a first round beer, I similarly can’t say that it's a horrible stretch. Same thing goes for Sam Adams in the second round. Luckily for my bitter and sardonic side, things turned from the mundane to the overally interesting with Sarah’s 3rd round selection of Sapporo. This selection, combined with her second foray into the Far East (Tsingtao in the 8th round), clearly gives Sarah the Asian Beer award for the draft. Sadly, as this reviewer knows from dating a Korean girl for almost a year, Asians are not particularly known for their drinking capacity. In fact, some cannot even finish their first beer before they begin to glow. And who’s to blame for this horrible evolutionary defect? You could say environment, or perhaps physical constitution. Maybe even diet. Those may all make sense, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Personally though, I’m going right to the source. I’m blaming the beers. And anything that could be the cause of such horribleness, well, I can’t support. And Sarah, I’m ashamed and embarrassed that you can.

Anyway, off my soapbox and back to the commentary. Over her next four picks, Sarah made one 'eh' selection, and three 'bleh' selections. Get it, cuz eh and bleh rhyme? Get it? OK, you get it, and now want to kill me. Awesome. Anyway though, we’ll start with the 'blehs': Stella Artois, Brooklyn Lager, and Red Stripe. Stella Artois, sometimes I see it at bars, and they always serve it in weird glasses. I don’t like that, what, you think you’re too good for me Stella. Why not come back to the common folk and be poured in a dirty pint glass like the rest of your hoppy brethren. Jerk. Next up at the gallows is Brooklyn Lager. Pull the switch, release the floorboards. That’s all I’ve got to say about this one. I mean honestly, Brooklyn Lager? Ugh. And finally, we have Red Stripe. Have you ever had Red Stripe? I’m pretty sure they just package Jamaican sea water, let it ferment in the sun for a couple of weeks, and then ship it off to America. Maybe if it came with their spokesman I’d give it a higher grade. That guy does seem cool. And he’s got a sash. Gotta respect the sash. Anyway, because I’m a nice guy, I decided to close on a high note. I have never had anchor steam. I’d never really heard of it before the draft. I’m not likely to have it in the next year. However, I hear that its best described as a west coast version of Yuengling. I like Yuengling. So, kudos on that selection.

To recap, Sarah had 4 beers found in bars. Similarly, those four beers are likely to be found at local liquor and package stores. Unfortunately she also selected two beers that can be directly traced back to causing the Asian Glow. And she drafted some sort of swill that can only be found in Brooklyn. Yipes.
Final Grade: C

Dan:
Newcastle
Yuengling
Busch
Blue Moon
Harpoon
Budweiser
Beck’s
Milwaukee’s Best

Dan certainly stayed true to form on this one. As expectations and blood alcohol levels ran high, Dan "commuted from home," i.e. unemployment, for the draft. Our hero undoubtedly perched on his furniture-free floor and pounded tallboys while collecting a respectable spread of brews. He made strong forays into a variety of beer genres - the delicious regional brewery (Yuengling), the corporate beer trying to look cool (Blue Moon), and the homeless man's delight (Busch AND Beast). Harpoon is a toast to his girlfriend (Boston, Massachusetts), and Budweiser *is* the King. Newcastle I take slight issue with, mainly because it represents the kind of understated snobbery that leads one to read, oh, say, the Economist. And for that, I think its first-round selection was a slight misstep. All in all, an easily predictable strong showing from our resident floozy. Final grade: A-

Adam:
Heineken
Dos Equis
Sierra Nevada
Asahi
Rolling Rock
Grolsch
Kronenbourg
Coors

Adam had an interesting draft. To correlate his selections to say that of drinking a 40, he began extremely strong, began suffering in the middle, but still finished strongly, leaving an ounce or two for his fallen homies. Of which he has many. That said, like a 40, there were good parts of it, and there were bad parts. Here goes nothing.

Through the first three rounds, Adam was floating on nothing but suds and good feelings. Heineken, Dos Equis, and Sierra Nevada are three diverse, respectable beers. They come from lands far and near, with tastes as unique as their birthplaces. I have no qualms with any of these selections, and am actually quite proud of our little Californian for pulling off such success in the initial rounds. However, Adam’s tour de force was not to be for the entire draft. Sadly. Adam first stumbled in the fourth round with his selection of Asahi. My disdain for Oriental beers aside, I just flat out didn’t like this pick. It felt like a reach, a pick that was made to diversify the portfolio with no idea how it would be doing so. On top of that, in the fourth round? If you really want this beer, at least take it later, grab something a bit more respectable. Something a bit more, you know, like beer. Anyway, following that slipup Adam did well to select Rolling Rock in the fifth round. Not necessarily a great beer, not necessarily a tasty beer. Not necessarily a classy beer. Not even really a good beer. Yet somehow its popular. Really, I just don’t get it. Honestly, if I ever run for president, you know of like a high school student body, I’m getting Rolling Rock’s PR people.
But I digress, back to the commentary. In the 6th and 7th rounds, Adam took Grolsch and Kronenbourg. I’ve never had either beer, and honestly, based on their respective names, I don’t want either of them. One sounds like something I might cough up after smoking a pack and a half of ‘Death’ cigarettes. The other, it kinda sounds like a drink a German Duchess might poison and then give her husband so that she can run off with the hot new knight at court. “No no m’lady, we can’t do this. Your husband, the duke.” “Don’t worry about that old bastard. I gave him a kronenbourg…” And you can imagine where it goes form there (he fixes the cable?). With his final selection, Adam righted his ship one more time, reached down into the working class roots that he most certainly does not have, and selected Coors. I like the selection. Not so much because I like Coors, but because I like the idea that someone other than Dan finally selected a beer that can be purchased by the gross. Well done Adam.

Hmm, so looking back at his draft, Adam had 3, maybe 4 beers that are typically found in bars. 5 beers that are found in most liquor stores. And three beers that have funny names that I’ve never drank. And for that, he deserves a…
Final Grade: B/B+

Sydney:
Magic Hat
Fat Tire
Corona
Amstel
Smithwicks
Kirin
Petrus
Gambrinus

Oh my Sydney, oh dear Sydney, oh my poor Sydney. Please know that we still love you and that speedbumps are understandable. We all have our off days. Our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, make-Mr.-Frumble-look-like-a-powerball-winner type days. That being said:

When one thinks of places that great beer comes from, I bet Burlington, Vermont isn't one of them. Much less South Burlington, Vermont . Well that is the home of Magic Hat. I don't mind Magic Hat, in fact I like their art a lot. But this selection simply cannot go in the first round. I don't care if you own the beer, if your family has been brewing it since the time of Jesus, you can't take it in the first round. I like Fat Tire too, it is a tasty Amber Ale, but it doesn't belong in round #2 - similar beers went in rounds 6 (abita) and 7 (rogue, anchor steam). I don't mind Corona in round 3. It fits pretty well here, bridging the gap between taste, availability, price, and simplicity of obtainment by high school kids. Remember when we thought Corona and lime was the best. beer. ever.? They can keep playing their commercials though - I like those. Except for the one on Cinco de Mayo, there's no need for it. You don't need to corner the gringo market on a Mexican holiday nobody remembers the reason for. Amstel is a fine choice, though the Lager is not widely available in the United States. I like it in round 4, a bit of a steal perhaps as the drafters began to dip into their cases for favorites (see: Hoegaarden, Blue Moon, Stella Artois, etc). I'm glad that Syd picked up an Irish beer and Smithwicks is a favorite of the Emerald Isle which is good enough for me. The bottles are also good for filing up halfway with gasoline, inserting a gas soaked rag, lighting and throwing at Protestants in Northern Ireland (You didn't think the "wick" part was an accident, did you?). Oh man, when you use a photo like this to promote your beer you're in trouble in my book. Sushi? COME ON! I must admit that I do like Kirin Ichiban, but do the Japanese really do beer? Not much to say about Petrus and Gambrinus. I don't mind the selections, as one should pick up their faves in the late rounds. Overall though Syd really swung and missed on this draft. She managed to do alright in her picks in general, but Syd drafted her top selections far too early.
Final Grade: D+

BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR

2005-11-08T17:49:00.000-05:00

Beer is pretty awesome. There's really no two ways about it. Not only does it taste delicious (well, some of it), but it gives you that much needed inflated sense of self-worth. Also, by impairing your ability to drive, beer can be proven to directly lead to more exercise (good for the body) and more cab use (good for the economy). It makes you laugh at stupid jokes, hit on unattractive members of the opposite sex, and occasionally, just occasionally, throw up on one of your best friend's couches.
Yes, it truly is a delightful concoction. Very delightful. Mouth watering even. Mmm...
And so we drafted it. That's right, I said it. It was tough, hard, arduous work. But in the end, each of the six drafters had teams that they were happy and proud of. Or, if nothing else, they could get crazy drunk off of. And isn't that, at the end of the day, what beer is really about. So, if you would please do me the honor and grab a glass, fill it with your favorite libation, let the foam subside, and join me in a salute to this liquid of life. Cheers to you, Cheers to me. But above all else, Cheers to Beers!

Round 1:
Chris - Guinness
Albert - Widmer Hefeweizen
Sarah - Pilsner Urquell
Dan - Newcastle
Adam - Heineken
Sydney - Magic Hat

Round 2:
Sydney - Fat Tire
Adam - Dos Equis
Dan - Yuengling
Sarah - Sam Adams
Albert - Bass Ale
Chris - Harp

Round 3:
Chris - Shiner Bock
Albert - Red Hook
Sarah - Sapporo
Dan - Busch
Adam - Sierra Nevada
Sydney - Corona

Round 4:
Sydney - Amstel
Adam - Asahi
Dan - Blue Moon
Sarah - Stella Artois
Albert - Hoegaarden
Chris - Negra Modelo

Round 5:
Chris - Dogfish Head IPA
Albert - Killian's Irish Red
Sarah - Brooklyn Lager
Dan - Harpoon
Adam - Rolling Rock
Sydney - Smithwicks

Round 6:
Sydney - Kirin
Adam - Grolsch
Dan - Budweiser
Sarah - Red Stripe
Albert - Molson
Chris - Abita Amber

Round 7:
Chris - Rogue
Albert - Hennepin
Sarah - Anchor Steam
Dan - Beck's
Adam - Kronenbourg
Sydney - Petrus

Round 8:
Sydney - Gambrinus
Adam - Coors
Dan - Milwaukee's Best
Sarah - Tsingtao
Albert - Michelob
Chris - Pete's Wicked Ale

TV Sitcom Commentary

2005-11-06T15:53:00.000-05:00

Chris’ Picks

I Love Lucy
All In The Family
Friends
Gilligan’s Island
Happy Days
Mork & Mindy
Fawlty Towers
Frasier

We had an interesting start to this week’s draft as Chris decided to snub Seinfeld and take I Love Lucy in the first round. It turned out not only to be a bold pick, but a trend setting one, as The Honeymooners and other TV Land vets started to go early. In Round 2, Chris takes the 70’s classic starring America’s favorite bigot, Archie Bunker. So while I probably wouldn’t sit Archie and Ricky Ricardo in a room together, they do make for a TV sitcom powerhouse. I was a little surprised with Friends in the third round, considering his first two picks; but it’s hard to argue with the sitcom that essentially gave birth to “Must See TV”. I mean come on, it’s MUST see. Chris’ fourth round pick hit a soft spot, what with Bob Denver dying only 2 months ago. Yes, the plot was totally ludicrous; and they did seem to pack a LOT of stuff for what was only supposed to be a three-hour tour. But for 4 years, and endless decades of syndication, Gilligan’s Island cemented its spot in the Sitcom Hall of Fame (note: I made this Hall of Fame up). Moving on, Mork & Mindy in the 6th is one of the best, if not the best pick in the draft. Closing strongly with Fawlty Towers and the successful Cheer’s spin-off, Frasier, an all around solid draft. Go Chris.
Grade: A-

Sydney’s Picks

Seinfeld
Saved By The Bell
Family Guy
Get Smart
Golden Girls
Reno 911
Sports Night
Diff’rent Strokes

Now we all know that the people who read this blog really only come for one thing: Sydney’s Draft. Will it be inspired? Probably not. But a mere there months ago, there were talks of her being a dark horse candidate for the Drafter of the Year Award (note: I made this award up). Sydney, again looked promising to begin this draft as she managed to grab arguably the best sitcom of all-time, Seinfeld, as the 3rd overall pick. Proving a hard pick to follow, Sydney took Saved By the Bell (a little early in my opinion). But don’t worry, there will be plenty of time to get into some of Sydney’s more questionable selections. Another arguably early pick, Family Guy, was Squid’s next acquisition. But no need to fear (yet), her 4th round pick of Get Smart is one of my favorites of the draft, and one I myself admittedly overlooked. So to recap (and give myself time to mentally prepare for Sydney’s 2nd half draft), with Seinfeld, Get Smart, and the edgy cartoon comedy, Sydney is looking pretty good thus far. But then…something happened. Maybe happy hour started a little early at Sydney’s desk, I don’t know, I really shouldn’t speculate. But, um, GOLDEN GIRLS? And in the 5th round!? I mean, what the hell, let’s draft Grace Under Fire while we’re at it! And then we can order Chinese food, go back to your place, and tune in to an All New How I Met Your Mother. Ok, sorry, I’ve collected myself. Reno 911, while mildly funny on occasion, has no place in an 8 round draft, fact. However, Sydney did her best to redeem herself, taking Sports Night with her second to last pick. Sports Night is one of the more underrated sitcoms in recent years, being canceled after only two years on the air. I’m gonna just go with “No Comment” on closing the draft out with Diff’rent Strokes and wish Sydney better luck next time.
Grade: C

Sarah’s Picks

The Honeymooners
The Wonder Years
Roseanne
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Freaks and Geeks
Scrubs
Futurama
Sex and the City

Like Chris, Sarah was one of my favorite drafters this time around. Sarah stole a couple picks I had my eye on, one being The Wonder Years in the 2nd. You’d be hard up to find a funnier, wholesome family comedy. The hits just kept on comin’ for Sarah as she takes Roseanne and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in the next two rounds. I like Roseanne because it was a late 80’s trailblazer. It did what later flops, like the aforementioned Grace Under Fire, could not, namely, make you want to watch unattractive people on television. In the middle of this draft, Sarah started to pick more recent sitcoms like the short-lasting Freaks and Geeks and cult favorite, Scrubs. Two sitcoms that people either love or hate, Sarah gets lucky this draft, as this commentator loves them both. Unfortunately, Sarah loses some points with her next pick, even though some of my peers may disagree. As far as sitcoms go, I have to say Futurama should be left out of this draft. For me at least, Futurama is to The Simpsons what American Dad is to Family Guy. And our friend from Brooklyn takes Sex and the City to finish this draft out, which is cute I guess. But Carrie, Charlotte and Samantha will all tell you Sarah, Brooklyn sucks. Miranda’s an idiot. And plus, she really only moved there cause she loves Steve.
Grade: B+

Adam’s Picks

Arrested Development
The Cosby Show
Taxi
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Andy Griffith Show
The Office (BBC)
Full House
Curb Your Enthusiasm

If our Fantasy Drafts audience (and robots) doesn’t already know, Arrested Development is a HUGE hit amongst this group of drafters. So for two reasons I’m going to be okay with AD getting a first round nod:

1. It really is the funniest, most underrated sitcom to come along in the last 10
years.
2. Adam takes these drafts VERY seriously, and frankly, I’m scared of him.

After getting AD under his belt (there’s gotta be a better way to say that), Adam starts to collect himself quite the list of heavy-hitters. It appears that Adam simply went down TV Land’s Tuesday night line-up for his next 4 picks, essentially locking down a large chunk of the funniest sitcom classics of the 60’s and 70’s. Another one of my “Top 5 Favorite Picks” of this draft came from Adam in the 6th round with the original version of The Office. Admittedly, the American version of The Office is doing much better than what NBC attempted to do with Coupling last year. I think this is a testament to this Ricky Gervais masterpiece and is a major league addition to Adam’s draft. I like Adam’s pick of Full House, whose cheesiness is awesomely bad. And I gotta say, Curb Your Enthusiasm came out of left field in the final round but is still a sitcom worthy, in my opinion, of selection.
Grade: B+

To avoid any conflict of interest, I (Sarah) will be making a guest appearance in this commentary to commentary-ate on Bryan's draft.

Bryan 's team: The Simpsons, M*A*S*H, Cheers, Married…With Children, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Who's the Boss?, Quantum Leap, Doogie Howser, M.D.

Bryan, in a triumphant comeback (after having been too "busy" with his "job" or whatever to participate in the last few drafts), rewarded his long-suffering but ever-loyal fans with a brilliant set of picks. Aside from a serious misstep in eighth round (the less said about Doogie Howser, the better) and the shamelessly-off-topic bizarro choice of Quantum Leap, Bryan's draft really pulled down the heavy hitters. He nailed the sacred first pick with The Simpsons, arguably the best. sitcom. ever. and inspiration for a whole fantasy draft of its own. I will now take this opportunity to abuse my commentator privilege and recount one of my favorite Simpsons exchanges:

Lisa: Well, maybe you should reach out to the community and help other people.
Homer: Hmm. I could help others. I know! I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and have them reenact the Civil War!
Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people!
Homer: Couldn't hurt! … unless the monkeys started hurting people… which they almost certainly would.

Anyway, moving briskly along. Bryan next captured the sitcom that showed us how hilarious the Korean War was, followed by the show that taught us, at a nice impressionable age, how cool it was to hang out in bars. With total on-air time of 38 years and counting, Bryan's first three picks have dominated TV history since the 1970s and have proven hugely influential. I was never a huge fan of Married… With Children, but that's probably because I'm insufficiently mean-spirited. An important cultural touchstone, whatever that is; plus any show with a Sinatra theme song is OK by me. Dick Van Dyke? As Bryan himself noted during the draft, "watching him fall over that ottoman NEVER got old." I used to watch Who's the Boss? religiously as part of my worshipful attempt to transform myself into my older sister, and though I can't really remember most of it now and am pretty sure I'm mixing up some parts with "Mr. Belvedere," I'm convinced that it was good. After all, my older sister liked it.

Grade: A-. Bryan is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, and a communist, but he is NOT a porn star.

TV Sitcoms Draft

2005-11-02T16:31:00.000-05:00

Round 1
Bryan - The Simpsons
Chris - I Love Lucy
Sydney - Seinfeld
Adam - Arrested Development
Sarah - The Honeymooners

Round 2
Sarah - The Wonder Years
Adam - The Cosby Show
Sydney - Saved by the Bell
Chris - All in the Family
Bryan - M*A*S*H*

Round 3
Bryan - Cheers
Chris - Friends
Sydney - Family Guy
Adam - Taxi
Sarah - Roseanne

Round 4
Sarah - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Adam - The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Sydney - Get Smart
Chris - Gilligan's Island
Bryan - Married...With Children

Round 5
Bryan - The Dick Van Dyke Show
Chris - Happy Days
Sydney - Golden Girls
Adam - The Andy Griffith Show
Sarah - Freaks and Geeks

Round 6
Sarah - Scrubs
Adam - The Office (BBC Version)
Sydney - Reno 911
Chris - Mork & Mindy
Bryan - Who's the Boss?

Round 7
Bryan - Quantum Leap
Chris - Fawlty Towers
Sydney - Sports Night
Adam - Full House
Sarah - Futurama

Round 8
Sarah - Sex and the City
Adam - Curb Your Enthusiasm
Sydney - Diff'rent Strokes
Chris - Frasier
Bryan - Doogie Howser, M.D.

Famous People Who Died Young Draft Commentary

2005-10-28T13:42:00.000-04:00

As done by Sydney (first three) and Chris (last two).

Oh, we went there - perhaps in the spirit of Halloween, perhaps for the spirits of those who departed before their time was up, but perhaps for our own sick sense of humor.

Adam's Team: Mozart (35), Raphael (37), Lou Gehrig (37), Robert Johnson (27), Bruce Lee (32), Robespierre (36), King Tut (18), Otis Redding (26), Gershwin (38), Jesse James (34)

Adam started out his draft with Mozart, a fantastic pick because he was not only a prolific and outstanding composer, but also a member of the masons, and the inspiration for some delicious candy as well. Raphael (for clarity's sake, we'll assume he's not talking about the beloved TMNT here) created some nice paintings, especially those freakin' adorable angels. Not many people can say that they died from a disease later named after them, so Lou Gehrig is definitely a keeper. Without Bruce Lee we would have no martial arts film genre, and therefore no Rush Hour 3, and where would be without that? Ask any high school world history student who they think of first when they hear the words "Reign of Terror" and they will immediately say "Robespierre." Such an ingrained response in our nation's youth has to be worth something for our little French Revolutionary leader, but not enough to save him from that pesky guillotine at the tender age of 36. King Tut is a solid pick, if only for that charming Steve Martin song. What this draft ODs on, however, is the Y-chromosome. Women die young too - equal opportunity, you know. Sorry, Adam. No women, no dice. B-

Sarah's Team: Joan of Arc (19), Anne Frank (15), John Keats (25), Franz Schubert (31), Princess Di (36), Charlie Parker (34), Emily Brontë (30), Rosalind Franklin (37), Elliott Smith (34), Patsy Cline (30)

Sarah wins for picking the person with the most creative death, burning at the stake. You don't hear of too many people getting burned at the stake these days. Pity. Anne Frank died tragically at Bergen-Belsen, and there's just no way to make a joke about the Holocaust, so I won't. Although he was a tad too reliant on the strophic form, Schubert is the father of the german Lied and wrote some bangin' string quartets in the process as well. Princess Di's death was heartbreaking, highlighting all that is wrong with the paparazzi world. However, it inspired the worst remake of a song ever. Candle in the Wind is a stain upon the British throne. Wait, actually, that was stained to begin with. Emily Brontë? Come on. She published only one novel and it wasn't that good. Spare me, Heathcliff. Rosalind Franklin was an off-the-beaten-track pick, but should be commended because dear Rosie discovered that groovy double-helix DNA structure. Elliott Smith, whose fame has posthumously skyrocketed, was a steal in the later rounds. All in all, a nice variety of deaths: diseases, burning stakes, mass murders, paparazzi accidents, and suicide. A-

Chris' Team: Alexander the Great (32), John Belushi (33), Kurt Cobain (27), Jim Morrison (27), Sylvia Plath (30), Janis Joplin (27), Andy Kaufmann (35), Tupac (25), Mitch Hedberg (37), John Kennedy Toole (31)

One of the earliest world leaders, Alexander the Great was a solid first round pick. His army did kick ass and he liked to take it in the.... John Belushi, whose character in animal house has left an unfortunate fashion legacy at universities nationwide, was a very funny guy. No one could impersonate a zit quite like him. Chris then moved from the drug OD to the drug OD with an added suicide with Kurt Cobain, most notable as a leader of the grunge movement and for picking up classy women. Jim Morrison was another great rockstar pick, mostly because his is the only grave in Paris on which is it acceptable to leave a joint. Additionally, his spirit was instrumental in helping Wayne and Garth assemble Waynestock in the highly-acclaimed Wayne's World 2. Chris finally veers into the Venus world with Sylvia Plath and Janis Joplin, two righteous babes. No draft would be complete without a tip of the hat to the East Coast/West Coast rap rivalries - oh, Tupac, with such poetry as "F*ck a damn cop (they claim that I'm violent)" (from "Violent" 2Pacalypse), we wonder where you would have gone if you had a second chance. Perhaps a tad too reliant on the glamour of teen idol deaths. B

Sydney's Team: Jesus (36), Nero (31), Rimbaud (37), Billy the Kid (20), James Dean (24), Buddy Holly (22), "Lucy" (~20), Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (36), Sid Vicious (21), Evariste Galois (20)

Oh Sydney. What could have been. You had a fantastic draft and the revelation of your draft board impressed me even more. BUT you had one slipup. Rimbaud in the third round? It puts you in contention for the worst third round pick of all time:

Sydney - Rimbaud (People Who Died Young Draft)
Albert - War of 1812 (Wars Draft)
Denver - Maurice Clarrett (NFL Draft)

Other than that your draft is solid, even spectacular. You nailed down the obvious top pick by selecting Jesus #1 overall. You stayed classical with the selection of Nero, who gets bonus points for fiddling. Billy the Kid is, perhaps, a bit high for round 4, but it won't ruin a draft. Your selectioneleciton is clearly James Dean in round 5. Some draft commentators thought that Dean was first round material, as he is the archetype for living hard and dying young. Buddy Holly is another fantastic selection, certainly one of the top musicians available at this slot. Sydney's selection of "Lucy" is perplexing. The administrator (yours truly) should have stepped in and disallowed this selection as it violates the "people" part of the draft. Though Australopithecus is part of the same zoological family as humans (Hominidae), she is a different species and, that, my friends is enough to disqualify her. Anybody choosing to disagree can mail their hate letters/explosive devices to River Avenue & E 161, New York, NY. Sid Vicious is a great choice. There aren't too many people who rose so meteorically and crashed so spectacularly in such a short period of time and at such a young age. She takes another Frenchman with her final pick - that means that her draft is comprised of 30% Frenchies. There are other places on Earth, Sydney. Take out those 3 and you'd be looking at an A++. Good job otherwise. A-

Albert's Team: Jimi Hendrix (27), Van Gogh (37), Bob Marley (36), Marilyn Monroe (36) Pushkin (37), Crazy Horse (28), Jeff Buckley (28), Keith Moon (32), Simone Weil (34)

Albert, like Adam, generally stayed away from the ladies, only drafting Marilyn Monroe and Simone Weil. He also went a little heavy on the musicians, picking up Hendrix, Marley, Buckley and Keith Moon. Marley and Hendrix are fine selections, but he could have done without Jeff Buckley, as his sound doesn't really fit with the rest of his musicians. Pushkin is known as the father of Russian Literature and I'm not sure that is a good thing. Before he came along the only literature Russians knew how to read were the labels on their vodka bottles....you're right, that's not quite fair. To be accurate, I doubt their bottles had labels. I do like this pick, though. Pushkin was a brilliant author and dissenter; he was not such a brilliant dueler, however, and that accounts for his inclusion on this list. I like Van Gogh in the second round for many of the same reasons. His death was also by gunshot, but his were self-inflicted. Crazy Horse is a bit of a perplexing choice this high in the draft. He obviously died young, but I don't know how famous he was in death. Plus, he doesn't need to be memorialized by us - they're building him the world's largest monument. Overall a pretty good draft, Albert. Nothing too off the reservation (if you will), but nothing dramatic and inspiring. B

Famous People Who Died Young Draft

2005-10-20T16:40:00.000-04:00

We decided to draft famous people who died at the age of 38 or younger. The drafters varied greatly in their assessments of who should go where...other than that great big rock and roll party in the sky.

Yes, we know we're going to hell.

Round 1
Sydney - Jesus
Adam - Mozart
Chris - Alexander the Great
Sarah - Joan of Arc
Albert - Jimi Hendrix

Round 2
Albert - Vincent Van Gogh
Sarah - Anne Frank
Chris - John Belushi
Adam - Raphael
Sydney - Nero

Round 3
Sydney - Rimbaud
Adam - Lou Gehrig
Chris - Kurt Cobain
Sarah - John Keats
Albert - Bob Marley

Round 4
Albert - Marilyn Monroe
Sarah - Franz Schubert
Chris - Jim Morrison
Adam - Robert Johnson
Sydney - Billy the Kid

Round 5
Sydney - James Dean
Adam - Bruce Lee
Chris - Sylvia Plath
Sarah - Princess Diana
Albert - Alexander Pushkin

Round 6
Albert - Crazy Horse
Sarah - Charlie Parker
Chris - Janis Joplin
Adam - Robespierre
Sydney - Buddy Holly

Round 7
Sydney - "Lucy"
Adam - King Tut
Chris - Andy Kaufman
Sarah - Emily Bronte
Albert - Lord Byron

Round 8
Albert - Jeff Buckley
Sarah - Rosalind Franklin
Chris - Keith Moon (traded to Albert)
Adam - Otis Redding
Sydney - Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec

Round 9
Sydney - Sid Vicious
Adam - George Gershwin
Chris - Mitch Hedberg
Sarah - Elliott Smith
Albert - Tupac Shakur (traded to Chris)

Round 10
Albert - Simone Weil
Sarah - Patsy Cline
Chris - John Kennedy Toole
Adam - Jesse James
Sydney - Evariste Galois

Commentary coming sometime in the next 38 years...

Grades On Selecting Print Media

2005-10-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

I hope you laugh, I hope you cry, I hope my monkey doesnt do the dog. More often than not people will disagree with what i have said. There were key things missing: US Weekly, American School Board Journal, and Diverse: Issues in Higher Education. Other than that they really got their peas and carrots. Bravo, I havent given this many good grades, well since I was giving them away for sex, man did i love being a teacher -- 8 year olds, dude.

Adam: Washington Post – 751,871 ~ New York Review of Books, 124,598 ~ The Onion 153,000 ~ National Geographic, 5,431,117 ~ Foreign Affairs, 135,174 ~ Harper’s, 227,583 ~ Times of London, N/A (THIS IS AMERICA). Total: 6,823,343

The Washington Post is a serviceable pick #2 overall, debatably the second best paper (reputation wise) in the United States. However, you don’t want a serviceable pick in the first round; sure you get a great view of the politics in D.C., but you could get a good view of an intern on all fours by checking out a back stairwell, talk about your deep throat. The NY Review of Books is a great second round selection, a quite snooty publication, geared to the intelligentsia of our society, but if you were really an intellectual wouldn’t you be able to skim a book and thereupon announce its merit on your own? Onion, adding hilarity to fact to review, solid, plus it tastes good fried. National Geo – for most of us our first nudie magazine, and while there are better mags – Milf Hunter™, and playboy – at least it’s the most grossing periodical of skin in the history of the world. We get a little international flair with the next selection, but I have skimmed the pub and there are absolutely no pictures of Margaret Thatcher in drag. Harper’s, sometimes a great source that serves to motivate the national debate past such topics as scientology, but for the love of god Katie Holmes is a prego.

3 real good picks, 3 decent picks and 1 so-so that reach a total of 6,823,343 readers. Worthy of a borderline megalomaniac, watch out Rupert Murdock: B

Chris: New York Times, 1,136,433 ~ Time, 4,034,061 ~ Rolling Stone 1,315,634 ~ Financial Times, 486,463 ~ Sports Illustrated, 3,300,000 ~ Christian Science Monitor, 59,179 ~ InStyle, 1,793,902 ~ Roll Call, 5,600. Total: 12,131,272

Chris started out in NYC and more or less stayed there, unfortunately for his draft New York is not the center of the universe, no matter what NY pubs say. That being said taking NY Times is just the goliath you needed to start this draft off, I mean what other publication could readily admit to making up stories and then continue being the mecca of media for the USofA. Time, don’t think I have ever read it, I remember it had a picture of the moon on the cover once, but it just looked boring. Yes I just said 4.1 million people read something that is boring. I get Rolling Stone for free, they put me onto a band called The Fray, which I enjoy, plus their name reminds of Like a Rolling Stone, and consequently Bob Dylan – go watch No Direction Home Immediately (good pick). Financial Times, points for mounting diversity in ownership, but is Sam Waterson in their commercials; I think no (go T Rowe Price). SI, yet another skin mag, I remember sharing a swimsuit issue with 14 guys in a 9 seat van on our way to national wrestling championships – someone got wood, it was weird. CSM is considered a national pub, plus it has a bureau in Jerusalem, now that is fucking original. InStyle – a woman’s general interest pub – still I like the diversification, it does provide the private side of public faces, but alas no pictures of Bloomberg’s butt. Roll Call holds a special place in my heart, being the first pub who I was able to convince to cover a story, it centered on Sandy Kress; way to know my life history Chris!

4 pretty darn good country pie picks, 3 adequate blueberry surprises, however can you feed 12.2 million people on pie? Well Jesus can he became a Christian, therefore: B+

Dan: Economist, 523,057 ~ Salon.com, 1,263,813 per month ~ Forbes, 925,959 ~ The Observer, N/A (THIS IS AMERICA) ~ LA Times, 907,997 ~ Playboy, 3,051,344 ~ ESPN, the Magazine, 1,858,079 ~ Ploughshares N/A. Total: you figure it out!

Does unemployed alcoholic Dan read the Economist? I’ll bet my towel with an imprint of the vision of Johanna he doesn’t. Why is the Economist like the pseudo-cool magazine for yo-pros to proclaim their enjoyment of? No really tell me why; I am currently reading a James Patterson book with grandma print. Salon, I hear good things, but still it doesn’t seem Dan, maybe if he took HairCuttery.com (the man hawks meat for Christ sake). Another financial pub? Seriously after we auction of a date with Sydney we are launching a HIRE DAN campaign; he’s real boney, like a chicken wing. I don’t like the LA Times, they could be great but seem lazy, maybe that’s what things do in California, man I love California, but the LA Times hasn’t done anything significant for me ever, although they do write about half the San Francisco Chronicle. Now we are getting to Dan’s alley, playboy, ESPN, and Ploughshares – me thinks he Freudian wants to see horse porn, but Dan Playboy is not Hustler. Big ups for Ploughshares, a truly insightful pub, bringing great current work to the public.

Dan, as he has been since third grade, uninspiring. 2 great picks, 2 alright picks, and 3 borderline trytophanic selections. Dan now has a bed, so I suggest he go there, grab the Playboy and cry silently while jerking off, it’s what I’m hearing from the public and 1.9 million people cant be wrong: C.

S.: New Yorker, 1,054,167 ~ Atlantic Monthly, 405, 732 ~ Nature, 61,618 ~ Scientific American, 582,768 ~ Vanity Fair, 1,136,824 ~ Reason, 52,000 ~ McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern N/A ~ Foreign Policy, 64,891. Total: 2,221,176.

S. made me do a lot of work for this commentary, which sucks because I just put in a ten hour day with no lunch, so lets just say if I didn’t need sustenance I would threw up on her. I love her number one pick, great history involved with this selection, launched so many pantheon literary careers, you really cant fault it – hey pigs have funny tails. Atlantic Monthly is so elitist; I felt my cuticles start to burn as I navigated its pages, fits S. perfectly. I dug into it for those faithful fantasy draft readers, but I found Nature has nothing to do with scientology, there I said it, and therefore I don’t understand it…but man in Nature is most certainly a savage. Ok S. is quite possibly the biggest fucking nerd in the world, bigger than Adam – Scientific American, so futuristic and worldly, so unlike Back to the Future III (flying trains people). Vanity Fair, this pick really was the masterstroke of her draft, just as I was getting to my second point of nausation (caused by her uber intellectual elitism), she pulls a vanity fair, man does that magazine smell good, like my X-Girlfriend’s hair (I was going to say crotch, but I thought that might be lewd). Reason is really important, without which we would be jumping for bananas, with it we trick the bananas into coming to us, and then ensnare it. The rest, well I am tired.

4 really nice almost inspirational picks, 3 adequate. Way to go S. I no longer want to throw up on you, but I do have wood – you try letting 2.2 million people know that, its hard: A-.

Sydney: Slate ~ Wall Street Journal, 2,070,498 ~ International Herald Tribune, N/A ~ Newsweek, 3,125,971 ~ W Magazine, 460,778 ~ Wired, 611,283 ~ Gourmet, 968,135 ~ CMJ Music Monthly, 52,033. Total: 7,288,698.

Sydney starts off with a good selection, in my humble opinion the second best daily in the USofA, plus my father was once quoted in it – big ups for that knowledge (yes I am so smart I have been quoting Stuart Scott). Her second pick goes anti-domestic, which doesn’t seem patriotic to me, but whatever, Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle was a phenomenal movie. Newsweek seems a lot like Time to me, also what about Newsday, so similar, well not Newsday, except for the name – I am ambivalent here, like nachos without cheese. If there were no W Magazine, then we wouldn’t have hot secretaries in thigh highs and four inch heels, and then I wouldn’t have as large a porn selection – Bravo W, you increased my fetishes. Wired is in SF, Mamas is in SF, Mamas has the Monte Christo sandwich, therefore Wired is as good as a Monte Christo sandwich, you cant fault the syllology. Gourmet, the most diverse pick in the draft, if only more women who I knew would cook for me, or just have sex with me, yeah that’s it sex.

3 pretty damn good above par picks, 3 decent I cant fault you picks, 1 boring pick. You find me a secretary who can make delicious food, give me financial advice, program the DVD player and tune a guitar, and you sir can name your price: I got 7.3 million bucks saying at least 1 man in 7,228,698 would pay for that kind of woman: B+

Periodicals Draft! Results!

2005-10-11T16:41:00.000-04:00

Like the aspiring Print Media Barons we all are, the group (OK, me, your friendly administrateur) decided to draft periodicals. The rules: online media counts (no blogs), and your publication must be, um, published more than 5 times each year. That ruled out Dan's favorite biennial, Anarchy Every-So-Oftenly, as well as the oft-forgotten gem, Engineering! Go For It!

Commentary to follow by the end of the week. Have at them:

(ps. Sign #1 that you are too anal: making individual links for every periodical drafted. Enjoy.)

Round 1:
Chris - New York Times
Adam - Washington Post
Dan - The Economist
Sarah - New Yorker
Sydney - Slate

Round 2:
Sydney - Wall Street Journal
Sarah - Atlantic Monthly
Dan - Salon.com
Adam - New York Review of Books
Chris - Time

Round 3:
Chris - Rolling Stone
Adam - The Onion
Dan - Forbes
Sarah - Nature
Sydney - International Herald Tribune

Round 4:
Sydney - Newsweek
Sarah - Scientific American
Dan - The Observer (London)
Adam - National Geographic
Chris - Financial Times

Round 5:
Chris - Sports Illustrated
Adam - Foreign Affairs
Dan - Los Angeles Times
Sarah - Vanity Fair
Sydney - W Magazine

Round 6:
Sydney - Wired
Sarah - Reason
Dan - Playboy
Adam - New Republic
Chris - Christian Science Monitor

Round 7:
Chris - InStyle
Adam - Harper's
Dan - ESPN, the Magazine
Sarah - McSweeney's Quarterly Concern
Sydney - Gourmet

Round 8:
Sydney - CMJ New Music Monthly
Sarah - Foreign Policy
Dan - Ploughshares
Adam - The Times of London
Chris - Roll Call

Diseases Draft Commentary

2005-10-07T14:37:00.000-04:00

As done by S. (the first two) and by Chris (the last two).

I felt bad enough drafting these horrible diseases, but doing commentary for them ensures that a) my children will be afflicted with no fewer of 10 of the diseases on this list and b) I am going to hell. Ah well, I didn't want kids anyway:

Sydney's draft: AIDS, plague, yellow fever, syphilis, common cold, cholera, obesity, obsessive-compulsive disorder, colorblindness, neurofibromatosis

In her excellent first two picks, Sydney snapped up the most dreadful pandemic of the modern era and the archetypal epidemic disease. Some solidly creative choices followed: obesity, much-beloved "epidemic" of hand-wringing American moms; neurofibromatosis, the only autosomal dominant pick of the draft; and the world's most common disease, which gets its own aisle at the drugstore. Sydney also gets big points for Historical Significance, with cholera (which she must have picked because of its important role in creation of the boulevards of her ancestral home) and syphilis, which comes up so often in medical history classes that eventually one can predict the exact date of the inevitable Tuskegee lecture with disturbing accuracy.

Admittedly, parts of Sydney's draft were plagued by bizarre vanity picks. ("Plagued by," get it?!) Yellow fever in the third round was a serious misstep: perhaps it was an attempt to make up for disqualification of malaria from this draft, but "yellowjack" does not an adequate substitute make. Sydney, you should have taken the closure of the Walter Reed hospital as a sign. OCD -- eh. If you're shooting for a devastating mental illness – and I know you are – you've got to go with schizophrenia here. And colorblindness? I'm sorry, but this disease is downright frivolous. I mean, besides making it moderately more difficult to play "Set," does this wacky neighbor of the far more interesting hemophilia actually affect anyone's life in any negative way? No. The answer is no.

Final grade: B. Some really great choices here…and colorblindness.

Chris's draft: Heart disease, depression, ALS, BSE, Ebola, Alzheimer's, cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs disease, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, Down syndrome

Chris's idiosyncratic disease choices really cornered the coveted Media Darlings market (ebola, heart disease, mad cow, depression), not to mention the Genetics Class Faves market (cystic fibrosis, Tay-sachs, Down syndrome) and the ever-popular Diseases That Do Horrible Things to Your Brain market (mad cow, Alzheimer's, Creutzfeldt-Jakob). Still, despite nabbing the number-one killer in the Western world and everybody's favorite mental illness, Chris's choices tended to favor alarmist-rhetoric potential over actual relevance to the world. Had he known I was going to write him up, Chris might have put more of an effort into including diseases that remotely affect anybody besides rich people – his one exception, the unduly hyped Ebola, is more notable for its inspiration of various terrible movies and suspense novels than for its real-world impact. These picks also lack Historical Significance (unless you're referring to Historical Baseball Significance) – not a major infectious epidemic to be found in the bunch.

Final grade: B-. Creative, but apparently culled entirely from the archives of 20/20.

Adam's Draft: Cancer, Polio, SARS, Arthritis, Meningitis, Scurvy, Bipolar Disorder, Q Fever, Leprosy, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever

Adam's draft was all over the place: the only unifying theme I can identify is that he pulled a Sarah (you remember the Wars Draft) and went for diseases with silly names. Obviously AIDS or cancer had to go #1 overall and Adam got cancer when it fell to him -- not a difficult selection. Not the hugest fan of polio in round 2; I think it is a bit of a stretch as there are more deadly diseases, more sexy diseases and more diseases with cool names still left on the board. Adam fell prey to the same type of stretch in round 3 as he took SARS. In the disease world, SARS is the disease du jour; it has only been around since 2003 and that fact alone should knock it down a few notches. In addition, scientists think that people contracted SARS by eating civet cats infected with the virus. CIVET CATS people. You might as well eat a ferret; and, if you do that, you diserve to get a disease. Having arthritis is going to suck. I'm going on record to predict that all these years of typing is going to give us all arthritis, I don't care what the research says. Then we'll find that our particular brand of arthritis is so crippling that we can only press the remote control to the Golden Girls/Matlock/Wheel of Fortune network (WGMW). I know that isn't really analysis of his fourth round draft pick, but what are you going to do? Tell me to get back to work? Well I won't, instead I'll note that Adam's 5th round choice provides solid contrast to arthritis - one affects old people, one kills college students. Still though, not a sexy disease - try using "meninges" in your next pickup line. Seriously, I think there remained better selections in round 5. And Scurvy?! Are we sailors in the English navy? Is this commentator about to get shanghai-ed? Objectively, not a good pick here at all (lacks the cachet of other diseases still on the board), but this commentator is hardly impartial. Ask your coworkers to do a word association with "scurvy," and I bet the word "pirate" will be in the top three. And any disease that can conjure up pirates is OK by me. The rest of Adam's picks don't really inspire any greatness. Leprosy in round 9 is a fun choice and, given a few years in Adam's farm system, might develop into a steal. Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever is nice to say and is a decent last round selection.

A quick (and dirty) analysis - You're fucked, vaccine, don't eat civet cats, get over it and vote democrat, clean your room, vitamin C, get a job, not to be confused with the Q Source, banishment to an exotic locale, pull up your socks

Grade: B-; I'm not the biggest fan of this draft, Adam should have done better, too many reaches, not enough really juicy diseases. Reach - Polio, SARS; Steal - Leprosy.

Sarah's Draft: Influenza, Smallpox, Tuberculosis, Hepatitis, Diabetes, Sickle Cell Anemia, Epilepsy, Amnesia, Rabies, Chicken Pox

Sarah really had a leg up in this draft, as she was a History of Medicine major at an Ivy League School (albeit one step below SMU). In the past I bet people, her parents included, wondered: isn't she throwing her life away by concentrating in such a bizarre, non-marketable subject? In the long run the answer is probably "yes," but for this draft her education allowed her to mop the floor with us. Influenza is a fantastic choice, and could be an even more cogent draft pick if other strains of flu keep popping up elsewhere in the world. And there is no disease that better represents Columbus Day and European colonization better than smallpox. I think I'm going to start selling Columbus Day Blankets to celebrate. She nabs another "Disease of the Century" in locking down Tuberculosis and now looks awesome through three rounds. Hepatitis might be a bit of a stretch in round 4, but she makes up for it in round 5 in taking Diabetes. Anemia as a whole was pretty high on my draft board, but Sarah stole Sickle Cell in the sixth round. Through six picks her diseases hit the rich, the poor, blacks, Asians, and South, Native and fat Americans. Genius. Sarah then moves to the brain by getting epilepsy and amnesia. She closes out her draft by nabbing two things children fear: rabies and chicken pox.

A quick (and dirty) analysis - Wipe yourself, kill whitey, stay away from Nicole Kidman, don't drink water, exercise, Tupac Shakur, take your medicines, wha?, kill whitey, get 'em while you're young (avoid shingles, man those hurt)

Grade: A; She had a major intellectual head start and didn't disappoint. Reach - Hepatitis; Steal - Diabetes.

Diseases Draft Results

2005-10-05T17:02:00.000-04:00

Yes folks, we did a draft of diseases. This ain't no candy bars draft. Are we horribly insensitive?
Probably.

Round 1:
Sydney – AIDS
Adam – Cancer
Sarah – Influenza
Chris – Heart Disease

Round 2:
Chris – Depression
Sarah – Smallpox
Adam – Polio
Sydney – the Plague

Round 3:
Sydney – Yellow Fever
Adam – SARS
Sarah – Tuberculosis
Chris – ALS

Round 4:
Chris – BSE
Sarah – Hepatitis
Adam – Arthritis
Sydney – Syphilis

Round 5:
Sydney – Common Cold
Adam – Meningitis
Sarah – Diabetes
Chris – Ebola

Round 6:
Chris – Alzheimer’s
Sarah – Sickle Cell Anemia
Adam – Scurvy
Sydney – Cholera

Round 7:
Sydney – Obesity
Adam – Bipolar (Manic Depressive) disorder
Sarah – Epilepsy
Chris – Cystic Fibrosis

Round 8:
Chris – Tay-Sachs
Sarah – Retrograde Amnesia
Adam – Q fever
Sydney – OCD

Round 9:
Sydney – Color Blindness
Adam – Leprosy
Sarah – Rabies
Chris – Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease

Round 10:
Chris: Trisomy-21
Sarah - Varicella
Adam - Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever
Sydney - Neurofibromatosis

To our beloved fans: maybe this will stop your damn whining

2005-09-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

We know there has been a bit of an undue delay since the last draft. We sincerely apologize that some of us have certain more pressing demands on our time, such as contributing to society in any meaningful way. We know you are waiting on tenterhooks, whatever those are, to criticize the next topic, berate our picks, and hurl vicious invective at our commentary. And we feel bad that we have let you down, because, as we all remember from high school, NOTHING is more important than the approval of one’s peers.

So, to appease your increasingly alarming complaints, we have redesigned the site! And by “we,” I mean “Adam’s friend Darren.” (Thanks, Adam’s friend Darren!) We hope this sexy new look will give “brand” Fantasy Drafts better and make the posts easier to read.

And lest you think we’ve forgotten about your favorite activity, there are lots of new features/problems about which you can obnoxiously nitpick. Here’s a list to help you get started!
-no “contributors” list with links to blogger home pages
-no demarcation of the day each post was made – just the time
-no way to link to individual posts

We know you’re disappointed that we haven’t done a new draft, but we hope this can appease some of your murderous anger, as well as giving you a convenient new outlet for your bitch-and-moan pleasure now that the “why no new drafts?” angle is getting – let’s face it – a little old. This way you won’t have to redirect your rage into writing crackpot letters to politicians or whatever it is you people do in your spare time.

You’re welcome.

Produce Commentary! No, really, Produce Commentary

2005-09-22T11:01:00.000-04:00

Preface: Praise Jeebus, this draft was SO LONG.

Sarah’s draft: orange, tomato, raspberry, apple, asparagus, sweet potato, pea, lentil, papaya, grapefruit, lettuce, nectarine, arugula.

Sarah, self-righteous Park Slope co-op member that she is, made sure to inform all participating drafters how AWESOME her produce was. Admittedly, her draft was quite successful – she picked interesting, tasty, and nourishing items in a wide variety. The heavy hitters are here: indeed, oranges (albeit taken too early), tomatoes, apples, and lettuce are found in any self-respecting kitchen. Raspberries really are the best berry ever, and lentils and peas are VERY underrated in the general population, in my opinion. Sweet potatoes, while not my cup of tea, are a noble selection (also probably picked too early), and grapefruit and nectarines late in the draft were good picks as well. Overall, a well-balanced and delicious basket o’ goodies.

Grade: A. Very well done. However, much like one’s hands after a juicy orange, your draft reeks of citrus.

Sydney’s draft: olive, artichoke, peach, garlic, eggplant, mango, lychee, soybean, pear, plum, pumpkin, basil, kumquat, endive.

I’ll guarantee that Sydney wins the award for “Most fruits and vegetables identified as misspellings by MS Word.” This basket was eccentric to say the least, bizarre to be less kind, and largely unidentifiable by Bryan to complete the description. While there are some stalwarts in here – peach, garlic, and olive come to mind – one need not be a Justice Scalia to see that WILD variety was the "original intent" on this one. (Worst pun ever.) Indeed, Syd selected the first herb in round 12, and having been denied starfruit in round 13 (who gets denied starfruit?), then became the only drafter of a “qu” item. Although we’d have liked to have seen some leafy greens in here, or a berry or two, there are some masterstrokes - stealing soybean in round 8 being the finest. (Two words: Complete. Protein.) As a whole: wacky but delicious, oddly-shaped yet appealing, nourishing although SO HEAVY (pumpkin?). Veggies should be toted, not carted.

Grade: B+. In office-speak, points for “thinking outside the box”; demerits for “failing to allocate resources efficiently.”

***

Albert’s draft: avocado, potato, onion, watermelon, zucchini, corn, squash, pineapple, kiwi, guava, okra, shallot, star fruit, celery

Albert’s draft definitely shined on personal style, and his gourd-heavy selection most resembles the cornucopia picture that accompanied the draft results, so, congratulations on THAT accomplishment. His vaguely Southern selection (zucchini, okra, watermelon?) revealed a general interest in avoiding the consumption of REAL veggies -- somehow, our favorite young rogue managed to snag the fruits and vegetables most associated with, well, getting fat (okra, potatoes, onions, avocados). I believe his exact words were, “I got French fries AND onion rings, bitches.” Well, big points for maintaining draft coherence; immediate loss of all those points for completely missing the point of the draft. The selection of three consecutive tropical fruits maintains the focus on packing in the calories (via these sugary fruits or the girly cocktails they might accompany). Albert does get a completely arbitrary bonus because, as I (and any other readers who have recently had toe surgery) can attest, pineapple is a great natural anti-inflammatory agent.

Avocado as a first pick does way too much to enhance the reputation of this already-overrated blah-flavored food. I’m sorry, Albert, but any respectable fruits & vegetables draft should start out with a fruit, since everyone likes them more anyway. And corn? Delicious – but save it for the “grains & cereals” draft. Albert’s last three selections, shallot, star fruit, and celery, left this commentator cold: shallot is really more of a garnish than a stand-out, celery is pleasantly crunchy but nutritionally pointless, and star fruit is just stupid.

Grade: B-. A systematic approach that resulted in a bunch of really boring fruits and vegetables.

Adam's draft: strawberry, spinach, cucumber, blueberry, grapes, broccoli, bell pepper, cantaloupe, carrot, mushroom, cherry, apricot, chick peas, cilantro

Even though Adam made the most abhorrent choice of the whole draft, cilantro, I can overlook my personal biases and see that California has given our man a solid fruits and vegetables knowledge. Adam’s clear preference for tart, complex fruit flavors (strawberry, blueberry, cherry, apricot, and even the vastly underrated cantaloupe) dovetailed nicely with his solid vegetable selection (spinach, broccoli, bell pepper, carrot, chick peas). These are reliable standbys – you can buy adequately tasty samples even in crappy Brooklyn bodegas, and they’re equally useful in salads, steamed, sautéed, or grilled. (You CAN grill chick peas! Just balance them on the grate). And cucumber? A great sandwich topping, plain OR in pickle form.

Adam’s only stumbles, besides a certain infamous last-round pick that captured the most repulsive flavor in the universe, were grapes (good, but boring – he could have waited a few rounds for that one) and mushrooms, which, as our favorite Baroness frequently and loudly points out, taste like dirt. Nonetheless, a stellar selection on the whole.

Overall grade: A-. I’d put all these picks together in a salad, toss it in a nice vinaigrette… and then throw it into a toxic waste dump, because it has cilantro. But that’s just me.

Fruits and vegetables draft -- results

2005-09-20T17:12:00.000-04:00

Remember the candy bars draft? Yeah, so do we – and so do our teeth. To prove that we aren’t just hedonistic, candy-eating serial killers (or, at least, that four of us aren’t), we decided to hold a draft of fruits and vegetables. We laughed, we cried, we shared recipes. Feast your eyes and your imaginations upon our delicious, antioxidant-rich selections below:

Albert: avocado
Sydney: olive
Sarah: orange
Adam: strawberry

Adam: spinach
Sarah: tomato
Sydney: artichoke
Albert: potato

Albert: onion
Sydney: peach
Sarah: raspberry
Adam: cucumber

Adam: blueberry
Sarah: apple
Sydney: garlic
Albert: watermelon

Albert: zucchini
Sydney: eggplant
Sarah: asparagus
Adam: grapes

Adam: broccoli
Sarah: sweet potato
Sydney: mango
Albert: corn

Albert: squash
Sydney: lychee
Sarah: banana
Adam: bell pepper

Adam: cantaloupe
Sarah: pea
Sydney: soybean
Albert: pineapple

Albert: kiwi
Sydney: pear
Sarah: lentil
Adam: carrot

Adam: mushroom
Sarah: papaya
Sydney: plum
Albert: guava

Albert: okra
Sydney: pumpkin
Sarah: grapefruit
Adam: cherry

Adam: apricot
Sarah: lettuce
Sydney: basil
Albert: shallot

Albert: star fruit
Sydney: kumquat
Sarah: nectarine
Adam: chickpeas

Adam: cilantro
Sarah: arugula
Sydney: endive
Albert: celery

Superheroes and Supervillains Commentary

2005-09-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

And the commentary is in. Love it, hate it, run to the local water cooler to discuss. Or do none of the above. The choice is yours. Enjoy...

Sarah’s Draft:
Superman
Captain Planet
Voldemort
Cat Woman
Buffy
Donatello
Professor X
Gargamel

When rating this draft, one thing must always remain clear: Sarah got Superman. And in doing so, she got the archetype for all the superheroes that we now know and love. She got a man who can shoot laser beams from his eyes, fly (to the point that he can reverse the rotation of the earth and thus go back in time), stop a speeding bullet, etc... In short, with this selection, she got, as the kids on the street say today, the ‘fly honey’ of this ‘wacked out’ genre. And for that she should be commended.

Similarly, she deserves commendation for her decision to stray from the typical comic book heroes (burly, rippling muscles, spandex outfits...) that the rest of the drafters seemed to feast on with their selections. Specifically, she did very well taking Voldemort in the third round, Donatello in the sixth, and Gargamel in the eighth. By doing so, she managed to snag the most dangerous villain from the most popular literary series of the day, the best of the bad ass teenage mutant ninja turtles, and well, gargamel. Kudos on those selections.

However, Sarah’s draft was not all peaches and cream. There were bumps. There were dents. There was a huge ass comet sized crater. Lets start with the crater, otherwise known as Captain Planet. Seriously Sarah, you’re going to follow up a first round selection of Superman with this putz. What if one of those kids oversleeps, or loses his ring, or just plain doesn’t want to save the world? Then we’re all screwed. I won’t dwell too much because space is limited, but still. Ugh. Of the other picks, I personally thought that Buffy was a slight hiccup for Sarah. Granted, it's not a horrible pick. But let’s go over the storyline. Blonde bimbo cheerleader from California learns that she has been predestined to be ‘the slayer’ of vampires. Then she goes out and kills them, thus saving the world. Honestly, this doesn’t sound so much like the backstory for a Superhero as much as it sounds like the plot for a skin flick. Which isn’t a bad thing. Certainly, certainly not a bad thing.

To round out her draft, Sarah took Catwoman in the fourth round. This is a good pick, not a great pick, but a good one. So, to suffice, Sarah had one amazing pick, three most bodacious picks, one holy ‘sweet mother of god the bus has gone off the bridge’ pick, one not so great, not so awful pick, and one serviceable selection. And for that, she gets what she’s always wanted, a grade above a C. Good job Sarah. B+

Albert’s Draft:
Spiderman
The Flash
The Incredible Hulk
He-Man
Martian Manhunter
Blade
Darkseid
Mystique

Albert’s draft his typified primarily by headlining superheroes. Spiderman, The Flash, the Incredible Hulk, He-Man, Blade...all of these heroes at one point or another have been the face of their own comic series, and in some cases, their own television shows and movies. However, a position of leadership does not necessarily a good leader make (Dubya). And so, closer examination of Albert’s draft must be done to truly determine the strength of this particular draft.

Spiderman in the first round is a great selection. In his position, Albert had his choice of two superheroes. He could have selected either Spiderman, or the masked detective from Gotham, Batman. In choosing Spiderman, Albert not only gets a complicated hero, but a complicated universe. The Marvel Universe, unlike the DC Comics one of which Batman is a member, represents an extremely imaginative world with mutants and aliens. Batman, on the other hand, exists in a much more realistic world (well as realistic as comic books get). For my money, if I had had the second pick, I would have gone the same way as Albert. Great pick. With his second pick, Albert selected The Flash. Honestly, I’m not so much a fan. If the world were being attacked by a crazy alien, or Dr. Doom, or whoever, is The Flash really who I want as one of my primary defenders? Now if we’re talking about a marathon against the Kenyans for national pride, well okay, I’ll take the Flash. But for world security, I’m just saying that I’d rather take, a Green Lantern or a Human Torch or Daredevil (but not Aquaman).

Rounds three, four, and five saw Albert get back on the reservation. The Incredible Hulk is awesome. I mean come on, mild-mannered Bruce Banner turns into the huge and uncontrollable Hulk when he gets angry. That’s great stuff. And if you’ve never wanted to grapple with the military, all the time tossing tanks this way and that, and still be referred to as a hero, well then you’re not a true American. The round four selection of He-Man is great as well. I mean its He-Man, cmon. He runs around in a loincloth, has a huge frickin’ sword, and gets his power from Greyskull. You can’t make stuff like this up. Well, you can, because someone did, but you get my drift. The round five selection of the Martian Manhunter is good, although not amazing. The man is the last of the Martian race, he’s got crazy powers, and he’s an overwhelming badass. That said, does he remind anyone else of Superman? Yeah, me too. So, for that reason, it’s a good pick, just not a fantastic one.

Rounds six and seven were good value rounds for Albert. He managed to get Blade, the day walking vampire killer, in round six and Darkseid, the bad-ass villain from superman’s universe, in round seven. Mystique in round eight was equally good, giving Albert a member from the X-Men universe to close out his draft. All in all, Albert had a very solid draft. He had one exceptional pick, three great picks, three good value picks, and one overrated pick. As a team, it’s a solid group of characters, although I have to knock him for taking The Flash so early. That said, I wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of any of these characters, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either. A/A-

Adam’s Draft:
Batman
Wonder Woman
Dr. Doom
Captain Marvel
Mr. Fantastic
Professor Moriarty
The Thing
Robin

I want to give Adam a good score in this draft. Dammit, I really do. And it's not just because he’s hot; it’s also cuz he’s a genuine nice guy and a pleasure to be around, and single. Would you believe it? Anyway, enough of my shilling for our west coast rep, back to the commentary. Like I was saying, I would like to help our dear friend out. But alas, I swore an oath to uphold justice when I began writing this commentary, and to not tell it like it is, well that would just be a lie. And so, with a large breath of air, here we go.

Adam had an amazing first three selections in this draft. His first pick of Batman was an obvious and amazing choice. Dark Knight, Detective, the Bat, Bruce Wayne...whatever name you call him, you always know what you’re getting: a nasty superhero who kicks ass and takes names later. Gotta love that. The second round selection of Wonder Woman at first befuddled me, but the more I considered it, the better a selection it seemed. Not only was Wonder Woman able to exist in a predominantly male superhero universe, she was able to do it without any help, and she was quite good at what you did. Honestly, I’d let Lynda Carter (circa 1975) wrangle me with her truth lasso any day of the week (just don’t tell my girlfriend). The third round selection of Victor Von Doom, aka Dr. Doom was excellent. As has been noted, Dr. Doom typically fights with the Fantastic Four, and consistently holds his own. This is something of an anomaly in the comic book world as villains typically outnumber the heroes. The fact that Dr. Doom is able to be outnumbered, and not get destroyed easily is a credit to his evil genius.

However, following this selection Adam appears to drive the wagon that was his draft straight into a burning pile of elephant poop. Translation: those of you with heart conditions and weakened constitutions, please, I beg of you, do not read on. In rounds four and five, our sweet little Californian selected Captain Marvel and Mr. Fantastic (Reed Richards). These two selections, for all intents and purposes, completely defy logic. First, Captain Marvel. Anyone know who he is? If you do, congratulations, cause you’re likely reading this at home, on a Friday night, waiting for Battlestar Gallactica to come on. And that's cool, really. And Mr. Fantastic? Okay, I’ll give you that he’s the leader of the Fantastic Four. And they are an incredibly successful and influential group. But even as the leader, he’s not even close to being the coolest, or to even having the best power. Of the accident that caused their mutations, Mr. Fantastic’s abilities are light years behind what happened to Dr. Doom and the Human Torch. Light years. And granted those two characters were taken, but that’s still no reason to select Mr. Fantastic. The selection of Professor/Dr. Moriarty in the sixth round signals a brief respite of Adam’s insanity. While the man had no special powers, he was a cunning evil genius, and essentially, the first supervillain. However, this was only a short vacation, as Adam plows back into the elephant dung with his seventh and eighth round selections: The Thing and Robin.

And, as should be expected, neither of these selections truly excites me. Starting with the Thing, he’s the third member of the Fantastic Four universe to be taken by Adam in this draft, and once again, not nearly as good as Dr. Doom or the Human Torch. Before the radiation, he was a pilot. Now his favorite catch-phrase is ‘it's clobbering time.’ Something doesn’t add up. If you ask me, he’s a roider. Now, about Robin. He’s the first, and only, sidekick taken in this draft. Many other characters were taken who were part of an ensemble, but Robin is the only sidekick. Now you could make the case that his role as a Teen Titan negates this, but I don’t buy it. He started as Batman’s protege, and that’s what he’ll always be. A better selection for either of these two characters may have been Bishop or Cable from X-Men, the Silver Surfer, or Black Cat.

All in all, the draft started with much promise, but ultimately, it crashed and burned. And, like so many things in Adam’s life, it came out smelling like elephant poop. C+

Sydney's team:
Lex Luthor
Magneto
Aquaman
Human Torch
Lion-O
Emperor Palpatine
Splinter
Powdered Toast Man

Luthor is everyone's favorite super villain, in addition he does get with Lois (yes they are real) Lane in some versions. He is a superb number one overall selection; you really can't fault Sydney for falling into the snare of the supe' riche, supe' bald capitalist, I mean she is lonely. Going villain back to back is never easy on a girl, and while I agree that Magneto has some impressive powers and is the main anthesis to the X-Men, he is but a cog in the X-Men wheel. The series is predicated on myriad characters and story-lines, making him just an iffy selection. However, in the third round, Sydney goes off the deep end with Aquaman; his most noteworthy powers are his abilities to communicate with sea life, to breathe underwater, and to swim really really fast (can anyone say Sub Mariner?). For Christ sake, he was just a fringe star during the comic book golden age - it's like drafting Winger in the third round of an 80s hair band draft. Round 5 - what do you know - another stumble; Lion-O's selection is a reach of Reed Richards proportions; I mean the cat was voiced by the dude who did Count Chocula, a way cooler character. With Palpatine, Sydney gets back on the rocker at a calm cool pace and stays on with Splinter. It is great to see the show of our youth getting two shout-outs in this round - however, both Shredder and Michelangelo are more dynamic and interesting characters - Splinter is the Bea Arthur of superheroes. Finally, the train wreck all spectators secretly want to see: Powdered Toast Man; it makes me want to unleash a string of profanities, but instead: the most ridiculously stupid and insignificant pick ever.

Summation: 2 good to great rounds (1 & 4); 2 decent rounds (2 & 6); 1 so-so (7th), and three miserable rounds, Help me Aquaman, what does my lobster say before he/she hits the water: C.

Dan's team:
Darth Vader
Captain America
Daredevil
Green Lantern
Green Goblin
Gambit
Red Skull
Ironman

Dan (like Chris) gets off to an uninspiring start with Darth Vader, I mean one drafter (hey redheads have fun too) even thought the villain wasn't selected and attempted to take him in the eighth round. Plus selecting a villain first not named Luther is a mistake. First round behind us, Dan's draft takes off like Supergirl when she hit puberty (talk about huge umbrages). Captain America is an amazing pick (one in a string of selections he stole from me). His back story is truly great, his shield is so cool, and those colors are fantastic, plus he has a good arch-enemy, correctly packaged in the seventh round. Daredevil is an easy pick in round three, I feel like he gets negative points for being associated with Ben Affleck, I mean he should have followed Matt Damon and J.Lo's step and avoided him like the plague. Also is this Dan's Freudian occupational slip, a blind lawyer? Well? Green Lantern is a huge superstar, the glue that holds the Justice League together, he is as moody as Batman, but somehow earned more respect from Martian Manhunter - if green is the color of jealousy then color me jealous of that gorgeous ring he possesses (My Precious). Gambit might have been a reach, however this commentator, knows Dan's affinity for the sweet-talking Cajun, and wasn't surprised - he could have gone later, but you don't leave the girl you really want to dance with alone, just cause there are hotter (less easy) one's still free. Iron Man rounds out a great draft, seriously, we are talking third to fourth round talent in the final round, that's like selecting Kelly Preston last in a Baywatch Actress draft.

Summation: 5 good to great rounds (2, 4, 5, 7 & 8); 3 decent rounds; Ironman, Ironman ...radioactive Ironman... Ironman, Ironman...I bet that man was made of Busch Lite Cans: A

Chris' team:
Wolverine
Joker
Terminator T-800
Rogue
Punisher
Wicked Witch of the West
Spawn
Radioactive Man

Chris stumbled with a reach in the first round, however this could be due to draft position, still Captain America and the Incredible Hulk were available. Wolverine is a good superhero although some have questioned whether his back story is a rip-off of C.A.'s and similarly he is a member of a team, he doesn't headline, he is more of AN integral part than THE integral part; he's no Chesty LaRue. First round aside, Chris performs a one-two punch a la Punch Out, in grabbing the Joker and Terminator (T-800). Joker is perhaps the number two villain of all time, having been immortalized by Jack Nicholson. Terminator is brilliant, absolutely a great pick, the duality of both villain and hero, the heart Schwarzenegger portrays in the character is amazing, plus the mofo is strong as Paul Bunyan. Chris stumbles a tad in round four, Rogue is good, and seriously hot, but you can't touch her, I mean I know you want to, but you really cant get close - I don't think they make a condom for that, and the patch is just worthless. Wicked Witch of the West seems to be trying too hard, I mean I love Pink Floyd, but who watches that movie; the 'little people' are funnier in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, anyway. Radioactive Man is a huge reach, and add to that, he was selected in the last ROUND. Again, Chris tries to break out of the normal construct, by selecting an atypical "hero." Radioactive Man was a freaking fringe character on an animated series. Chris why don't you get RM & Fallout Boy and create your own double-stuffed Oreo, because I ain't buying the shit you're peddling.

Summation: 3 good to great rounds (2, 3 &amp; 5); 2 decent rounds (1 & 7); 1 mediocre at best (4); 2 god-awful rounds. No Chris, I don't Care to Dance with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight, C++.

Superheroes and Supervillains Results

2005-09-15T09:53:00.000-04:00

This morning, on my way to work, i saw a man crash into traffic signal post. Being the mere mortal that i am, i simply stood on the sidewalk in shock, and, i won't lie, some laughter, as he proceeded to carry the post with him a solid 12 feet before it fell over and crushed his car, killing him in the process. Actually it didn't do that, it fell the other way and he was fine. The point of this anecdote, though, is that as a fleshy (some say too fleshy) human being, with no apparent superpowers, i was powerless to help him, even if i had wanted to (which i'm not saying i did or didn't). But superheroes, those beings of modern day myths and legends, if one of them had been around, well perhaps our dear sweet motorist could have been saved (if the post were to have fallen and crushed him, which it didn't, but whatever).
Similarly though, as we all know from watching one too many spiderman cartoon during our formative childhood years, with great power comes great responsibility. And some people, some nefarious ne'er-do-wells, choose to exercise their power in the most irresponsible of ways, to triumph evil rather than good. Luckily, we have this pantheon of superheroes, these honorable men and women defending us from their not so good counterparts. And so, given this amazing pool from which to pick from, we, your friendly neighborhood fantasy drafters set about to select our all-star team of villains and heroes. It was a brutal battle, complete with bickering, quick one liners, and the occasional kapow to the head. But in the end, teams were selected, and i like to think, that at least for this day, good conquered evil. Although, as we all know, thats an assertion best made by our commentators. That said, here are the results.

Round 1:
Sarah: Superman
Albert: Spiderman
Adam: Batman
Sydney: Lex Luthor
Dan: Darth Vader
Chris: Wolverine

Round 2:
Chris: The Joker
Dan: Captain America
Sydney: Magneto
Adam: Wonder Woman
Albert: The Flash
Sarah: Captain Planet

Round 3:
Sarah: Voldemort
Albert: The Incredible Hulk
Adam: Dr. Doom
Sydney: Aquaman
Dan: Daredevil
Chris: Terminator (T-800)

Round 4:
Chris: Rogue
Dan: Green Lantern
Sydney: The Human Torch
Adam: Captain Marvel
Albert: He-Man
Sarah: Cat Woman

Round 5:
Sarah: Buffy
Albert: Martian Manhunter
Adam: Mr. Fantastic
Sydney: Lion-O
Dan: Green Goblin
Chris: The Punisher

Round 6:
Chris: The Wicked Witch of the West
Dan: Gambit
Sydney: Emperor Palpatine
Adam: Professor Moriarty
Albert: Blade
Sarah: Donatello

Round 7:
Sarah: Professor X
Albert: Darkseid
Adam: The Thing
Sydney: Splinter
Dan: Red Skull
Chris: Spawn

Round 8:
Chris: Radioactive Man
Dan: Iron Man
Sydney: Powdered Toast Man
Adam: Robin
Albert: Mystique
Sarah: Gargamel

Chain Restaurants Draft (Part II)

2005-09-12T17:03:00.000-04:00

Bryan: Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, In-N-Out Burger, Wafflehouse, Hooters, Wendy’s, Outback Steakhouse, TGI Friday’s, White Castle

Whatta carnivore! From steak, to boobs, to ground chuck, Bryan's draft amassed all that American cuisine has to offer. Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is clearly the shining gem in all of this. Hooters, while a bit misogynistic, is a creative pick and should be noted for its delicious wings and fun, yet challenging trivia nights (NOT its waitresses in orange hot pants). Bryan’s hard hitting trio of burger chains certainly has its ups and downs, the high point clearly being In-N-Out Burger whose simple menu and delectable burgers put it a league of its own. Wendy’s, though it has DE-licious frosties, makes the unforgivable blunder of fitting a square peg into a round hole – burgers should never be square and that’s just that. Though it promotes the laudable idea of eating several burgers in one sitting and provided the impetus a rather amusing movie, White Castle commits the same sin of square burgers and is just plain gross. This reviewer gives Bryan’s draft 3 heart attacks waaaaaay up – vegetables… and other cultures won’t hurt you. C-

Albert: Uncle Julio’s, McCormick and Schmick’s, Daily Grill, Rock Bottom, Houston’s, Benihana, Checker’s, Boardwalk Fries

Uncle Julio’s was an interesting start to Albert’s draft. Though she acknowledges the restaurant’s deliciousness, this commenter is saddened over the chain’s face lift (and simultaneous price-jacking) in the recent years. It is no longer the lovable dive she grew up with. McCormick and Schmick’s was another solid pick – a high-end steakhouse never hurt anyone. Why little Albert picked both Houston’s and Daily Grill is beyond me – both good, but let’s face it, they are the same restaurant!! Benihana, as acknowledged by one of our non-robot commenters, was a steal in the later rounds. Who doesn’t love a good flaming tower of onions? Albert sullied his very admirable draft with Checkers, only a step above Jack-in-the-Box. He should be commended, however for his late pick of Boardwalk fries. Why chains remove the skins off of potatoes for their fries is a mystery. It should also be noted that this drafter tried to pass off not one, but two restaurants that did not meet the requirements as set by the administrateur of the chain restaurant draft. Albert had better read the rules better next time…. B+

Adam: Morton’s, Roy’s, Nobu, Spago, Popeye’s, Gordon Biersch, Clyde’s, Pret a Manger

Puck it up! Adam wins the award for having the most restaurants with tablecloths, a feat hard to come by in the chain restaurant world. Adam opened with an unsurprising first pick, Morton’s (motto: “The Best Steak Anywhere”). Whether it’s the best steak anywhere is debatable, but it’s pretty damn good. Next up was Roy’s, possibly the only chain restaurant to feature Hawaiian cuisine, a nice little pick off the beaten path. Spago adds a bit of Hollywood glamour and a big brand name to the mix (although Wolfgang Puck’s street cred has taken a nosedive due to his appearances and products on HSN). Stepping down from the snooty restaurant chain pedestal, Adam gave a slight nod towards the real America and its fast food industry by selecting Popeye’s, home of the greatest biscuits ever to grace the earth. Clyde’s proves to be a nice and tasty homage to Adam’s humble DC beginnings. You don’t have to have a prix fixe menu to be a good restaurant…. A-

Chain Restaurants Draft Commentary (Part I)

2005-09-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

Chris’ Picks

Burger King
P.F. Chang’s
Cheesecake Factory
Cracker Barrel
Uno’s
Arby’s
Carrabba’s
Skyline Chili

Chris’ draft, per usual, is pretty solid. While most drafters went with 4 and 5 star restaurant chains in the first round, Chris stayed true to the Man that pays his company, The Burger King. I’m going to go on the record as saying I love this pick for two reasons: (a) their cheeseburgers ARE better than McDonald’s and (b) while the new Burger King mascot is slightly creepy, watching him take a lateral pass from Randy Moss for a touchdown is all I need to love this corporation. Now, the Cheesecake Factory going in the third round is another story. This over-priced, ALWAYS over-crowded restaurant is no more than an Applebee’s with a REALLY expensive face lift and more attractive wait staff. Moving on, Chris’ Arby’s selection in the 6th round was a steal and kudos for his 7th round pick, which has the most phenomenal Father’s Day radio jingle going,“Bring your Father to Carrabba’s, have a happy Father’s Day!” Grade: B

Sarah’s Picks

Au Bon Pain
Quizno’s
Nathan’s Famous
Seattle’s Best
Maggiano’s Little Italy
Boston Market
Papa John’s
Chipotle

Sarah can be thankful Albert isn’t grading this draft, as she took Au Bon Pain in the first round. However, I too have a small problem with this pick. It’s a fine establishment (that allows me to eat my bag lunch there twice a week), but a first rounder? I don’t think so. I’ll allow grabbing those toasty Quizno’s subs in the 2nd, and you are to be commended for getting Maggiano’s in the 5th round. My affinity for Maggiano’s come in part from the quality of their food, but mostly it comes from the free take-out dinners at Adam's house. I’m also happy to see that you took Chipotle in the last second, because frankly, it was getting an unfair review from several drafters. Unfortunately, my praise stops here. Considering the very few number of pizza places selected in this draft, I’m NOT okay with Papa John’s being taken in the 7th Round. Homemade sauce, gross. Partially cooked dough, disgusting. Timely delivery service, sub par. Papa John’s slogan should be, “We perform Pizza Abortions” Grade: B-

Dan’s Picks

McDonald’s
Legal Sea Food
IHOP
California Pizza Kitchen
KFC
Taco Bell
Applebee’s
Johnny Rockets

While Dan did have a draft full of mediocre restaurants, consistency is on his side. While Morgan Spurlock may have a problem with Dan’s opening pick, it’s hard to argue with the largest, most successful restaurant chain, ever. With over 99 billion served, Dan steals McDonald’s in the first round, or was it the Hamburglar? I really like the IHOP pick in the 3rd Round and Dan continues to collect all the fast food essentials from there. After burgers, sea food, and pancakes, Dan nabs “California” pizza, Costanza endorsed fried chicken, and really unhealthy tacos. I mean, what more could you ask for? Dessert you say? Dan has that covered with delicious milkshakes from Johnny Rockets. As for the Applebee’s pick, it would have no place in anyone else’s draft, but here, and because it’s Dan, it somehow works out perfectly. Grade: A-

Sydney’s Picks

Smith & Wollensky
Baja Fresh
Medieval Times
Wings Over
Potbelly
Buca diBeppo
Panera
Melting Pot

Sydney’s Restaurant Draft, like her past several drafts, have been less than desirable. She started strong with Smith & Wollensky, but Baja Fresh in the 2nd round??? The SECOND round???? I’ll admit, Medieval Times was a clever and unique grab in the Third, but it’s mostly down hill from there. Wings Over? PLEASE post a comment if you’ve even heard of this place. In fact, a Google image search of “Wings Over” gives me about 4 pictures of Bald Eagles; and I’m willing to bet I could find a place that serves Bald Eagle meat faster than I could find this “Wings Over” place. To make matters worse, Sydney's 5th round pick was Potbelly. You probably know the place. If you can’t find one, just look for the long line out the door at lunch time. Then, if you’re STILL not sure you’re at the right place, pay way too much when you get to the cash register. Still not sure if you’re at Potbelly? When you’re finished your sandwich, your stomach will tell you that you’re still hungry, but your wallet will tell you to go to Subway. If I ever see any of my friends at Potbelly, I will call a cab, bust into the restaurant, drag them out regardless if they’re ready to go or not, and leave their half-eaten sandwich sitting dumbfounded on the table. I swear to God I’ll do it. Try me. Grade: D+

Chain Restaurant Draft

2005-09-08T17:11:00.000-04:00

Here the children attempted to draft Restaurant Chains. There were a few ground rules, a couple of debates, but nothing too serious. Who had the best draft? The worst? The greasiest? YOU decide. Until the commentary gets posted; that's when we decide.

Adam - Morton's
Albert - Uncle Julio's
Sarah - Au Bon Pain
Dan - McDonald's
Sydney - Smith & Wollensky
Chris - Burger King
Bryan - Ruth's Chris

Bryan - In-N-Out Burger
Chris - P.F. Chang's
Sydney - Baja Fresh
Dan - Legal Sea Food
Sarah - Quizno's
Albert - McCormick and Schmick's
Adam - Roy's

Adam - Nobu
Albert - Daily Grill
Sarah - Nathan's Famous
Dan - IHOP
Sydney - Medieval Times
Chris - Cheesecake Factory
Bryan - Waffle House

Bryan - Hooters
Chris - Cracker Barrel
Sydney - Wings Over
Dan - California Pizza Kitchen
Sarah - Seattle's Best
Albert - Rock Bottom
Adam - Spago

Adam - Popeye's
Albert - Houston's
Sarah - Maggiano's Little Italy
Dan - KFC
Sydney - Potbelly
Chris - Pizzeria Uno's
Bryan - Wendy's

Bryan - Outback Steakhouse
Chris - Arby's
Sydney - Buca diBeppo
Dan - Taco Bel
Sarah - Boston Market
Albert - Benihana
Adam - Gordon Biersch

Adam - Clyde's
Albert - Checker's
Sarah - Papa John's
Dan - Applebee's
Sydney - Panera
Chris - Carrabba's
Bryan - TGI Friday's

Bryan - White Castle
Chris - Skyline Chili
Sydney - Melting Pot
Dan - Johnny Rocket's
Sarah - Chipotle
Albert - Boardwalk Fries
Adam - Pret a Manger

Presidents of the U.S.A. Draft Commentary

2005-09-08T13:37:00.000-04:00

The Presidents draft was a labor of love. We laughed, we cried, we derided the draft administrator, Bryan "Brownie" George. Needless to say, the expert commentary was at least as fun as the draft itself. The grades, objective as ever, shall tell the story. Without further ado:

Dan - In putting together my own draft board I was torn as to where George Washington should go. He's THE Founding Father of this country: a military hero turned statesman who set the benchmark for all Presidents to come, but something didn't ring true in my mind. Granted his mere presence incubated this country during its first years, but as a President? I think he's probably Number 3 overall. As for Dan's other choices, Andrew Jackson was a fine pick - Old Hickory is probably the strongest of the second tier Presidents. Clinton is another good choice. Though I am wary of recent Presidents in this draft, I think the pride of Arkansas is a solid pick given what was left on the board. Taking U.S. Grant at the end of the 4th was a decent pick, as he was really the last of those on the board with any significant pre or post-Presidential cachet. That being said, I think the drunkard would have beaten the crap out of Chester A. Arthur and Zachary Taylor, Dan's last two picks. Due to his drafting position, Dan was stuck towards the later rounds (especially in the end), though there were a few stronger picks than Arthur still on the board. With the exception of his second round pick, Dan's draft mirrored his first selection: safe and uninspired.

Dan's Picks: Washington, Jackson, Clinton, Grant, Arthur, Taylor. Reach: Arthur. Steal: Jackson. Grade: B - eh.

Sarah - I know that an objective analysis of a draft should not take into account this history of previous drafts, but a distinct pattern is emerging in Sarah's selections. She mops up and is very opinionated in cultural drafts (candy bars, Beatles songs), yet goes off the reservation in historical drafts (wars, presidents). Thus, I must offer this explanation: accustomed to being the smartest one in the room, Sarah feels moderately outclassed intellectually in the historical drafts (especially by Adam) and feels it necessary to pick silly selections. She does this not out of ignorance, but rather a need to justify to herself that she could have done better if she had tried. And oh if she had tried in this draft! She took Lincoln with the number 2 overall pick, a fantastic choice. He is clearly one of the top two presidents in our country's history. Eschewing the violence of Lincoln’s administration, she tapped Monroe as her round 2 pick. Then round three came. In my estimation, there weren't any really sexy picks left so, rather than coming up with a moderately decent president Sarah took the stunner of all stunners - William Henry Harrison. The only way to rectify this injustice would have been to take Tyler, but Sydney deprived her of getting the duo made famous by "Tippecanoe and Tyler too." She then went for two presidents made tragic not by death in office, but by failure to rise up and meet the challenges that occurred during their administrations. Carter was probably a reach in Round 4, but I do like Andrew Johnson in Round 5. Johnson gets a horrible rap, but following Lincoln was not easy. He is blamed for the failures of Reconstruction, but the circumstances between Lincoln's plan and Congress' plan really made his failure inevitable. Given the choice between Taylor and Benjamin Harrison, I think Taylor would be the obvious choice, but Sarah chose Harrison. This slight error can be overlooked after realizing that Sarah now has a monopoly on the Harrisons who have been president.

Sarah's Picks: Lincoln, Monroe, W. Harrison, Carter, Johnson, B. Harrison. Reach: W. Harrison. Steal: Johnson. Grade: B- - Any reasonable choice other than W. Harrison in the 3rd would have made this draft class, well, the class of the draft.

Adam - Adam's first few selections are all about action. Teddy Roosevelt is a decent choice, a clear second to George Washington in the category of "action presidents." Furthermore, how can you argue with a man who charged up San Juan Hill AND is immortalized in the ubiquitous children’s toy, the Teddy Bear? If any President kicked more ass and took more names than Dwight D. Eisenhower, please send him forward. Simply analyze his job title during World War II: Supreme Commander of Allied Forces in Europe. If you have one of those words (Supreme, Commander, Forces) in your job title you're a badass. His presidency was fairly underrated too, the Korean War was not an easy decision and, though he may have disagreed with it personally, Ike stood against segregation. Polk is highly underrated as a President and is probably a fit for the third round. You have to love the aggressive expansionists. Grover Cleveland is a fine choice in the 4th round for no other reason than the fact that there are so many trivia questions about him. "Ma, Ma, where's my pa? Going to White House. Ha, ha, ha." Though the draft pool was dwindling, I think there were better selections than Herbert Hoover in the 5th round. Smoot-Hawley? The Great Depression? I know Hoover’s seen sometimes as a tragic figure, but he probably could have done a little better. Fillmore's a tough swallow in Round 6. I think you've got to take our current president over Fillmore, but perhaps Adam wanted to get away from contemporary partisan rancor and thus selected the last President to be neither a Republican nor a Democrat.

Adam's Picks: T. Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Polk, Cleveland, Hoover, Fillmore. Reach: Hoover. Steal: Cleveland. Grade: B+ - T.R. is a bit too high, in front of Jefferson, Kennedy and Reagan at least. I do like Ike though.

Albert - Sweet Fortuna smiled upon Albert, as he was able to get Thomas Jefferson with the 5th overall pick of the draft. TJ was brilliant and his ideas about America are still relevant today. The Louisiana Purchase, like Marbury v. Madison for the Federal Judiciary, ushered in new ideas about a government's power, function and responsibility. Plus, the dude wrote the Declaration of Independence. With the man who dropped THE modern intellectual atomic bomb, Albert went about drafting the man who dropped the actual atomic bomb. Truman is often unfairly evaluated against the accomplishments of his immediate predecessor, but he's not a bad second round choice. William Howard Taft in ROUND 3 might be a bit of LARGESSE if one were to evaluate this draft based purely on BIG acts while in office. If you look at the man's total career, you'll see it SWOLLEN with accomplishment - including being named a Supreme Court Justice. Fatty. There's nothing really to say Albert's next two selections. G.H.W. Bush isn't really notable, I think the only reason he appears this high in the draft is because his term ended recently. Franklin Pierce was recently voted "Most Likely to Sit in the Corner of a Presidential Reunion" by his peers. Warren G. Harding is an interesting choice. In terms of WORST presidents of the US, he is probably #2 or #3. In terms of most scandal-ridden, fun-having chief execs, he is clearly in the upper echelon. Not a glam pick, but Teapot Dome alone makes this one a pretty darn good late round choice.

Albert's Picks: Jefferson, Truman, Taft, G.H.W. Bush, Pierce, Harding. Reach: Bush. Steal: Jefferson. Grade: B. Starts well with Jefferson, but falters in the middle rounds. Pierce is a direct blow to the grade. Marbury vs. Madison depicted below:

Bryan - Bryan stuck with his own personality in picking John F. Kennedy. JFK scores Bryan points for ushering in the movie star era of the Presidency. He was the first to effectively use television and he successfully used his power to hop on Marilyn Monroe. Plus he made Americans feel good about themselves; he was the best we had. Adams is a safe pick, but he’s a bit too high for my tastes. He didn't accomplish a great deal as President and he bungled the Alien and Sedition Acts and the XYZ Affair. Picking J.Q.A. in the third is another stretch. I appreciate Bryan's desire to get both Adams men, but JQA would have been around for Bryan's next pick. Nixon and Garfield are both stretches. While I like Nixon for what good he did do as a President, I feel that he should have fallen at least until the 5th round due to that pesky Watergate thing. Garfield is another President who did little in office, though his inaction was due to death rather than incompetence. Silent Cal in the 6th round is a clear steal. The man whose economic policies (or complete lack thereof) were responsible, in part, for the roaring twenties is a great late round pickup.

Bryan's Picks: Kennedy, Adams, J.Q. Adams, Nixon, Garfield, Coolidge. Reach: J.Q. Adams. Steal: Coolidge. Grade: B- - Unspectacular beyond Kennedy and Coolidge. Too many middle round reaches.

Hired Hand pitched in and completed these last two evaluations…so blame him

Chris - Because the Presidents draft featured no trades and a finite number of possible selections, grading this one required a little more pathos for late-round selections. All things considered, Chris showed off his affinity for meddling presidents who didn't quite win their elections, as well as his secret Republican side.

W. is the clear disputed election winner here; lest we forget, however, Hayes strolled into office under inauspicious circumstances as well. "Old Granny" bears the distinction of officially agreeing to end Reconstruction and only sit for one term. What a pussyfooter!

McKinley, of course, laid the groundwork for New Imperialism, and also handed William Jennings Bryan his own ass twice in a row before getting anarchist-ed in 1901. Choosing FDR with the #3 overall was arguably a steal, and Reagan late in the 2nd round was certainly a value pick.

LBJ rounds out his draft - arguably, Chris's 5th Republican selection. You've got to respect a guy who whipped out his own "Lady Bird Johnson" and slammed it on a lectern, though. In striving for his own Great Society, our countercultural standard bearer showed he's a Red Stater at heart. One great selection, one good selection, two mediocre selections, and two poor selections - but again, that's about all you could hope for in this one.

Chris's Picks: FDR, Reagan, McKinley, Lyndon Johnson, Rutherford B. Hayes, George W. Bush. Grade: B+. Drafting for value.

Sydney - Sydney, Sydney, Sydney. Unable to shake her drafting slump, our own Franco-American Spaghetti-O provided us yet again with a study in mediocrity. (Uh-oh!) Madison, the Father of the Constitution, is a defensible first pick, but as President he left a lot to be desired, holding dual distinction: (a) the only president to allow the occupation of Washington during his term; (b) the shortest (5' 4") president of all time. Indeed, following Wilson, Syd's draft never really measured up. Though referenced in an episode of Seinfeld, Van Buren is a "wha?" pick, and "Tyler too" was just that.

In selecting the routinely consensus "Worst of All Time" president, James Buchanan, Sydney went for our nation's first gay president, and rounded her draft out with the only president elected to neither the presidency nor the vice presidency, Gerald Ford. Ford, of course, also holds the distinction of giving Donald Rumsfeld his first appointment as Defense Secretary. Way. To. Go. Syd.

Sydney's Picks: Madison, Wilson, van Buren, Tyler, Buchanan, Ford. Grade: C. Maybe it wasn't her fault - she DID have to go last - but still, I mean, come on.

Official Potential Drafts List

2005-09-08T12:28:00.000-04:00

Here at the Fantasy Drafts Secretariat, we face a variety of challenges each day. How often should we draft? Who should be allowed to participate? What’s the best way to keep our idiotic website concealed from employers and other relevant authorities? What are we going to do about Albert?

But our most important procedural question is, of course: what to draft? Below is our Official Potential Drafts List, thrown out into the void for your comments and musings, your most vicious denunciation, your most lavish praise, your non sequitur sales pitches (no need to alienate our robot fan base), and, of course, your suggestions.

Official Potential Drafts List

Eating and drinking
Beers
Hard Liquors
Fruits and vegetables
National cuisines
Condiments

People
Dead World Leaders
People named "James"
People who died young
Painters
Actors and actresses
Directors
Groundbreaking musicians
Poets
Authors
Boys’ names
Girls’ names

Misc. items -- pop culture
Periodicals
Movies
Sports Teams
Sports
Pets
TV shows
TV sitcoms
Novels
Songs (one per artist)

Other misc. items
Amendments to the Constitution
Religions
Deities and prophets
Inventions
Emotions
Languages
Insects

Wait! You're Not A Robot...

2005-09-07T10:45:00.000-04:00

As much as we enjoy comments from robots (i.e. "Nice blog! Have you tried Celebrex?"), we like hearing from our more human readers as well. Who are your favorite drafters? Are there some picks you find completely without cause? Is this a waste of cyberspace? Let us know!

Presidents of the U.S.A. Draft

2005-09-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

Round 1:
Dan - George Washington
Sarah - Abraham Lincoln
Chris - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Adam - Teddy Roosevelt
Albert - Thomas Jefferson
Bryan - John F. Kennedy
Sydney - James Madison

Round 2:
Sydney - Woodrow Wilson
Bryan - John Adams
Albert - Harry Truman
Adam - Dwight D. Eisenhower
Chris - Ronald Reagan
Sarah - James Monroe
Dan - Andrew Jackson

Round 3:
Dan - Bill Clinton
Sarah - William Henry Harrison
Chris - William McKinley
Adam - James Polk
Albert - William Taft
Bryan - John Quincy Adams
Sydney - Martin van Buren

Round 4:
Sydney - John Tyler
Bryan - Richard Nixon
Albert - George H. W. Bush
Adam - Grover Cleveland
Chris - Lyndon Johnson
Sarah - Jimmy Carter
Dan - Ulysses S. Grant

Round 5:
Dan - Chester A. Arthur
Sarah - Andrew Johnson
Chris - Rutherford B. Hayes
Adam - Herbert Hoover
Albert - Franklin Pierce
Bryan - James A. Garfield
Sydney - James Buchanan

Round 6:
Sydney - Gerald Ford
Bryan - Calvin Coolidge
Albert - Warren G. Harding
Adam - Millard Fillmore
Chris - George W. Bush
Sarah - Benjamin Harrison
Dan - Zachary Talyor

Commentary to follow

Saturdays Are For Overachievers

2005-09-03T20:58:00.000-04:00

What would a graded Fantasy Drafts site be without a report card? The end of August marks the completion of six graded fantasy drafts, with a total of seven unique participants. (Justin, feeling frisky enough to give marks of D+ and D- to Dan and Adam in the Tourist Sites draft, has yet to grace an actual draft in progress with his presence.)

That said, we bring back an element of our quickly-fading youth, the Gonzaga College High School QPA. The QPA was a bonus for taking more classes than required. So too with the Fantasy Drafts QPA - i.e. the GPA of each drafter is adjusted to reflect their level of participation. The number of drafts participated in is divided by the average number of drafts per contestant (currently 5), and multiplied by the drafter's GPA.

Thus, we are ready to unveil the FIRST EVER
Fantasy Drafts Leaderboard:
1. Chris (QPA: 3.88; GPA: 3.23)
2. Adam (QPA: 3.74; GPA: 3.12)
3. Albert (QPA: 3.60; GPA: 3.00)
4. Dan (QPA: 2.46; GPA: 3.08)
5. Sydney (QPA: 2.34; GPA: 2.34)
6. Bryan (QPA: 2.08; GPA: 2.60)
7. Sarah (QPA: 1.97; GPA: 2.47)

A clear separation is seen between 3rd and 4th place, as draft-hungry Albert (6 drafts) used the system to his advantage. Despite having a better GPA, Dan (4 drafts) was leapfrogged, and Sydney (5) found herself ahead of Bryan and Sarah (4 drafts each) for similar reasons. Chris and Adam (6 apiece) avoided that fate by showing up each. and. every. day.

Stay tuned - not because this is particularly important, but because it is completely and utterly ridiculous.

Fantasy Band Commentary - Part Deux

2005-09-01T13:41:00.000-04:00

In a coy admission to the fact that all of your faithful drafters used this one as an opportunity to showcase their vaingloriousness, our commentary seeks to take cleverness and conceit to a whole new level. What else to do when you've been outed by the Volokh Conspiracy? We're so pumped full of egocentrism today that it's hard to imagine our already unnaturally-large heads fitting through the door when we get home from work.

Sarah’s Picks:
1 - Joni Mitchell - Lyricist
2 - Ringo Starr - Drummer
3 - Laura Nyro - Lead Singer
4 - Richard Thompson - Guitar
5 - Patti Labelle - Back-Up Vocalist
6 - Edgar Meyer – Bass

Sarah’s contribution to the Fantasy Band draft served mostly to provide fodder for your two incredibly condescending commentators. Her much-harangued pick of Ringo Starr in the second round set her up for not only “most overvalued pick in the draft” honors, but also puts her in cahoots with Heath Shuler for “most undeserving early round pick in history.” As a Beatles fanatic, I do fall into the camp that defends Ringo regularly – he’s an incredibly uynderrated drummer, and would have been a solid 5^th- or 6^th-round pick. S. did put herself on firm footing by selecting Joni Mitchell as her lyricist, and it certainly gave her the Urge For Going …with lots of women in her band. Laura Nyro on lead vocals is a great choice, particularly for Joni Mitchell songs, and Richard Thompson’s excellent folk guitar adds to what I like to call the “Bumpkin Element.” Sarah’s final two picks, however, fall short of greatness and generally reaffirm her penchant for mediocrity. Patti Labelle worked well with Nyro way back when, but it was already Gonna Take A Miracle for Sarah to redeem her Ringo pick. Incidentally, it’s also gonna take a miracle for me to redeem the horrible puns in my commentary. Sarah made it a Double with Edgar Meyer on bass (marking the second Flecktonic pick of the draft), but in the end, the chemistry just wasn’t there.

Overall Grade: B-. By her own admission, Sarah’s obscure selections manifest a desire to go for the “comfort level” instead of getting creative, and her band lacks the je ne sais quoi to overcome the heavy hitters in this draft, like…

Albert’s Picks:
1 - Bob Dylan - Lyricist (From Adam)
2 - Keith Moon - Drummer
3 - Paul McCartney - Bass
4 - Jim Morrison - Lead Singer
6 - David Gilmour - Guitar
6 - Roy Orbison - Back-Up Vocalist

As mentioned before, relinquishing rights to the #1 overall pick marked a milestone for the Fantasy Drafts crowd. Despite Albert’s curmudgeonly commentary (two C’s…harsh) below, the King of Cantankerousness managed to put together a solid sextet of superstars rivaled only by my affinity for alliteration. While not a World War II-type shoo-in for #1, Robert Allen Zimmerman is a very, very defensible top pick, but demands restraint in selecting who surrounds him. Put curtly, Keith Moon would have choked on his vomit much sooner had he been forced to restrain himself on the pagan skins playing Dylan songs. Heading north to Liddypool, Albert picked up Paul McCartney on bass — while a virtuoso on the instrument, Paul’s talent on keyboards and in songwriting is lost by sticking him in the back. A rhythm section consisting of Keith Moon going crazy while Paul tries to finesse a nifty little melody on his Fender seems like it wouldn’t work, particularly in backing Gilmour’s psychedelic riffs. Can you see the three of them getting along at all, let alone in trying to arrange something like Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands? Paul would try to shorten it to two-and-a-half minutes, Gilmour would attempt to make it a 45-minute “masterpiece,” and Moon would pass out just before Orbison crooned “Hell-oooooo!” to announce his arrival at rehearsal. What you’ve got here is a dysfunctional band of heavy drinkers and pseudo-intellectuals. That said, there is a whole lot of talent here, and that’s what fantasy drafts are all about.

Overall grade: B++. When this group gets together, it’s hard to say it’ll be bad. But with Jim Morrison in front, Paul McCartney in the back, and vomit everywhere in between, what you’ve got is a whole lot of chemical dependence without a lot of chemistry. A little more coherence from Albert would have been nice – but haven’t we been demanding that all along?

60% of the Fantasy Band Draft

2005-09-01T11:43:00.000-04:00

This draft was near to my heart; first, I am in sports fantasy leagues year round, and second, I love music. This seemed like a natural mixing of ingredients (unlike ammonia and bleach). Everyone has his/her own favorites, mine in particular come from the 60s, and I have been accused of hating everything made after I was born -- not so, there are many women born post-1982 that I have admired from afar (well, depending on legal restrictions). Without further ado, here is my take on three drafts, which should serve to further the debate of perhaps the most-talked-about draft in recent memory (man, am I regretting taking Maurice Clarrett in my keeper league).

Sydney's picks, in order.

1. Jimmy Page - Guitar
2. Victor Wooten - Bass
3. Dave Grohl - Drummer
4. Thom Yorke (Radiohead) - Lyricist
5. Stevie Wonder - Lead Singer
6. Diana Ross - Back-Up Vocalist

Usually in fantasy drafts, identity and cohesiveness don't matter - Milton Bradley and Jeff Kent, fine - TO and Donovan, stalwarts - Tommy Lee and Pamela, well, hot. But this isn't sports, this is music, and to have a good group you need some sort of harmonizing. This is ultimately where Sydney's draft fails. There were a number of nice picks, some standard choices and some sub-par choices. Sydney started off with a good grab, decent foundation - he's no Jimi, but who is, I mean, I'm not even left-handed. Victor Wooten at the beginning of the second round was a reach, obviously she coveted him, and he is talented, but a bassist in round two? A top 7 pick in a fantasy draft of the greatest musicians of all time? Next thing you know, you wake up in a trailer, your head pounding like a gatling gun, to see John Popper, naked, playing the air harmonica. After Wooten, Sydney fell into one of the most typical pitfalls of any draft, namely a run on a position. Three drummers had already been selected, including perhaps the two best of all time. Sydney panicked and, even though there were at least two amazing drummers left, went with Dave Grohl. Nirvana was a phenomenal band, but Dave Grohl isn't celebrated for his ability, he is simply above average. Up to this point you could see Wooten and Page meshing pretty well, but how is Grohl's loud, in-your-face kind of style going to combine with the bluesyness of the two guitarists? Then Thom Yorke, great songwriter - but again, can anyone see Dave Grohl playing on "Paranoid Android"? It's like visualizing your grandma flirting with some guy named Bob who lives on the first floor of her nursing home - it's just plain unnatural. The package of Stevie Wonder and Dianna Ross is fantastic, their harmonizing and overall singing ability are perfect compliments. I don't know if their boisterous style will fit with Yorke's lyrics, however. All in all, adequate choices with little to no harmonizing capability - doesn't quite smell like teen spirit - for that: C.

Chris' picks in order:

1. Jimi Hendrix - Guitar
2. Paul Simon - Lyricist
3. Frank Sinatra -Lead Singer
4. Marvin Gaye - Back-Up Vocalist
5. John Deacon - Bassist
6. Fred LeBlanc - Drummer

Chris' draft: some reaches and some instances where you could see choices being replaced with undrafted FAs. Still, it's always nice when you assure your team of the best player at a position: Hendrix is the Peyton Manning of quarterbacks, the World War II of Wars, the Mr. Big of nicknames. Unfortunately, this is where the success comes to a halt. Paul Simon is a great lyricist, but the issue resides in taking him with only two drafters able to choose a songwriter, and Sydney assuredly taking Yorke. A minor oversight, but one that needs to be highlighted if we are to grow as a community of drafters. In the next round, we go from one minimal reach to a leap of faith, only this time there was no dust scattered on a semi-invisible bridge. Frank Sinatra in the third round? The first lead singer being selected this late notes the depth most drafters saw in singers. Also, Sinatra singing Simon lyrics sounds interesting but not "super group" material; a good combo like peanut butter and fluff, but you don't take out a $200-an-hour prostitute to a $40 a plate French restaurant for a PB and Fluff. Marvin Gaye is a great vocalist who should be able to harmonize well with Sinatra because of their similar slow, methodical style. Still, you just don't get all giddy about it; I mean would you feel any differently if Otis Redding were backing up Sinatra? Next, John Deacon; its always nice when you get someone underrated in a draft - Deacon was borderline spectacular, and odds are Queen would never been the same without him. Chris' draft rolls along until the much-harangued last pick: Fred LeBlanc (Cowboy Mouth). The position of drummer has been the most disputed throughout this draft, with an incredible reach (Starr), one guy that just doesn't fit (Grohl), and this one, who is not as accomplished as the myriad of drummers left. Chris' folly is that he could have had Neil Peart, hall of fame material, IN THE LAST ROUND - that's unheard of. Now, LeBlanc is a great leader and took that band to new heights, but to pass on a pantheon all time musician because of a boyhood crush is just not good drafting - would you take Danielle Fishel (Topanga) over Charlize Theron? I think not. C.

Adam's picks in order:

1. (from Albert) John Lennon - Lyricist
2. Eric Clapton - Guitar
3. John Bonham - Drummer
4. John Paul Jones - Bassist
5. Roger Daltrey - Lead Singer
5. (from Albert) Mick Jagger - Back-Up Vocalist

It's rare when a draft starts with the top pick only to surrender it, move down one spot, and then select the same position (lyricist). It appears Adam felt there wasn't a big step down from Bob Dylan to John Lennon. Lennon is a great songwriter, better when McCartney kept him in check, but still pantheon all-time - possibly the second best lyricist ever. Then Clapton in the second round, most certainly an upgrade over Harrison; not to take anything away from him, but Clapton is first-round talent at the end of the second round. Now, drummer, the most-argued-over subject since which Girl Next Door got to climb the Heff Hill first. Bonham was the third drummer selected, you can throw out Ringo Starr because well, he isn't that good. That leaves Bonham versus Keith Moon (since Neil Peart wasn't even drafted). In this observer's eyes it comes down to who outshined whom. Keith Moon died by choking on his own vomit, John Bonham died similarly two years later; one word: copycat. Now some people say two years is a long time - baloney - two years for Bonham or Moon is more like 1 month, 3 days for a man who isn't an offensive lineman. In the end, for originality's sake, the nod must go to Keith Moon (plus have you heard Live at the Isle of Wight, I know 16-year-old virgins who creamed themselves during that concert). JP Jones, a solid pick fits nicely with Bonham, and should work well with Clapton and Lennon. Adam then finished off his draft (in round 5) by selecting his lead singer, Roger Daltrey and back-up, Mick Jagger. Daltrey loved rock and roll, had great stage presence, plus he earned a reputation for fighting to exercise control, as Pete Townshend put it "[Roger] ran things the way he wanted. If you argued with him, you usually got a bunch of fives." Also, who can forget his trademark scream at the end of "Won't Get Fooled Again" - I know he's a man, and I am a man (well not much of one) but that moan, err, scream is hot. Any band with Mick Jagger backing up Roger Daltrey deserves an A. It's like a Golf Scramble (alternate-shot) with one team being comprised of Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods.

Fantasy Band Draft

2005-08-30T16:56:00.000-04:00

For this draft we harkened back to the roots of fantasy drafting: choosing a team. This team would be comprised of some of the greatest musical legends of all time, although no Ludwig Vans. The positions: Lyricist, Lead Singer, Back-Up Singer, Guitarist, Bassist and Drummer. There is bound to be controversy, which drummer who choked on his own vomit is better; John or Paul, Led Zep or the Who, WOman versus MAN?

Round One:

Albert (from Adam): Bob Dylan, Lyricist
Adam (from Albert): John Lennon, Lyricist
Chris: Jimi Hendrix, Guitar
Sydney: Jimmy Page, Guitar
Sarah: Joni Mitchell, Lyricist

Round Two:

Sarah: Ringo Starr, Drummer
Sydney: Victor Wooten, Bassist
Chris: Paul Simon, Lyricist
Albert: Keith Moon, Drummer
Adam: John Bonham, Drummer

Round Three:

Adam: Eric Clapton, Guitar
Albert: Paul McCartney, Bassist
Chris: Frank Sinatra, Leader Singer
Sydney: Dave Grohl, Drummer
Sarah: Richard Thompson, Guitar

Round Four:

Sarah: Laura Nyro, Lead Singer
Sydney: Thom Yorke, Lyricist
Chris: Marvin Gaye, Back-Up Vocalist
Albert: Jim Morrison, Lead Singer
Adam: John Paul Jones, Bassist

Round 5:

Adam: Roger Daltrey, Lead Singer
Adam (from Albert): Mick Jagger, Back-Up Vocalist
Chris: John Deacon, Bassist
Sydney: Stevie Wonder, Lead Singer
Sarah: Patti Labelle, Back-Up Vocalist

Round 6:

Sarah: Edgar Meyer, Bassist
Sydney: Diana Ross, Back-Up Vocalist
Chris: Fred LeBlanc, Drummer
Albert: David Gilmour, Guitar
Albert (from Adam): Roy Orbison, Back-Up Vocalist

Movie Quote Draft Commentary

2005-08-29T23:12:00.000-04:00

As my fellow drafters know, I constantly use movie quotes to express myself: How I’m feeling (“I’m so hungry I could eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros”), what I’m thinking (“Tattoo on her lower back? Might as well be a bull’s-eye.”), where I’m going (“Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of”)…Okay, so I don’t usually reference Casablanca, but you get the idea. I really can’t tell you how honored I was when asked to provide commentary on the Movie Quotes Draft (“If you build it, they will come”). Partially because very little that comes out of my mouth is original thought, but mostly because I can finally break the streak of shitty ass grades you guys have been giving me. This draft had so much potential, but somehow, somewhere, it took a turn for the worse. I’ll start by saying that any Movie Quote Draft that contains 10% of its quotes from former SNL actors… sorry, I just dry heaved…is well on its way to achieving C-List stardom.

Sydney’s Picks:

Selecting a Wayne’s World quote as the #1 overall pick in this draft is like picking Bryan as the #1 overall pick to play 3 on 3 basketball for money. It just doesn’t make any sense. Sydney recovered quickly, however, quoting one of the bigger hits of our youth, Fight Club. Fight Club is an extremely quotable movie, and I am a big fan of the simplicity of this quote, very Zen. She followed this pick by taking a Trainspotting quote in the third round. At this point, Sydney’s draft has two strong picks, but her direction is all over the place. Is she going for iconic quotes or funny ones? Has Sydney lost her fire (no pun intended)? Round 4 found Sydney dabbling in the comic book genre as she took “Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight”. Again, another decent pick, but no heavy-hitters yet, and no direction whatsoever. Her 5th round pick started to reflect the tendencies of her 1st round pick as she grabbed one of the funniest quotes from Billy Madison. Sydney continued to find her focus as she marched into Round 6 selecting from the cult classic, Office Space, a selection that frustrated this commentator a great deal. Oh, the potential! While the “No Salt” reference brought back fond memories of vacation, there were many, many better quotes that could have been taken. But it’s okay Sydney, this isn't Riyahd, nobody's going to cut your hand off for choosing a sub-par quote. You recovered with a very strong pick in the final round, and a personal favorite of mine, “1970 Pontiac Firebird, the car I’ve always wanted and now I have it. I rule!” You do rule Sydney, but let’s step it up for the next draft. Grade: C-

Adam’s Picks:

It’s no surprise that The Big Lebowski went in the first round. In this commentator’s opinion, it’s one of the best comedies ever made. Another movie with too many fantastic quotes to choose from, Adam gets an approving nod on this one. I was also pleased to see James Earl Jones’ well-known speech from Field of Dreams taken in Round 2, “People will come Ray. People will most definitely come.” (That’s what SHE said). Adam continued to drop bombs, nabbing another classic comedy, Caddyshack. Although, like Sydney, Adam slipped a little here, allowing a bunch of better quotes to slip through the cracks. In Round 4, Adam continued his comedy streak, selecting 1998’s There’s Something About Mary. This movie showed up a little prematurely in the draft, but I’ll allow it. Now what did Adam have in store for the 5th Round? Spaceballs. My experience with this movie is you either love it or hate it, hit or miss. For me, it’s a miss worse than Shaq’s free throws. I have to refrain from comments on his sixth round pick, as I sadly admit I have not seen Annie Hall, but hey, anyone that marries his adopted daughter is okayyy by me. Right? Adam finished strongly with his last two picks being an awesome Gunnery Sergeant Hartman quote from Full Metal Jacket and a gut-busting quote from the 1974 classic, Blazing Saddles. Overall, a job well done. Grade: A-

Bryan’s Picks:

In the first round, Bryan made sure no one else got their hands on the quote goldmine that is Pulp Fiction. However, Bryan ran into the same problem Adam did with deciding which quote to take. So, maintaining the status quo, he went with the most offensive quote he could get his hands on. His Round 2 selection, a Raoul Duke quote from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, perhaps shouldn’t have gone so quickly. After his first two picks, it was clear Bryan was strictly going for laughs. Unfortunately, the laughs he got from his Round 3 selection were more at him than with him as he panicked and went with a mediocre Joe Pesci quote from Goodfellas. After trading his Bull Durham pick from the 4th round, Bryan kicked it into high gear, stealing two hilarious and iconic quotes from movies that take place in the 70’s: Animal House, made in 1978 and Dazed and Confused from 1976. Surprised that it wasn’t taken earlier, Bryan felt obliged to select a Rounders quote in the seventh round. Although, he loses a couple points for not taking a KGB quote. To close out Bryan’s draft, he finished on a high-note, taking the “-ism’s” quote from 1986’s Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Grade: B+

Albert’s Picks:
Taking Dr. Strangelove, On The Waterfront, and Citizen Kane early on, Albert’s draft seemed to be taking the same direction as Chris’. Perhaps this was the cause of the tension between the two during drafting. But for whatever reason, Albert switched gears in the fifth round when he took Super Troopers. An interesting movie selection to follow what is widely considered the best movie of all time. Nevertheless, Albert’s following two picks continued to be humorous ones, leaving him at a 4:3 on the icon to humor ratio. What would he do with his last pick you ask? Ah, a classic, The Maltese Falcon. In summary, Albert had a bunch of strong quotes coupled with a small handful of comic relief: a quality draft that combined undisputed classics and personal favorites. Grade: B+

Before getting to Chris’ picks, let's briefly recap. So far, with the exception of Sydney’s smorgasbord, all of the drafts seem to take a definitive direction but don’t end as strongly as I had hoped.

Chris’ Picks:

Through it all, it appeared Chris had this draft locked down. You simply can’t argue with the cinematic significance and timelessness of every quote he picked…until the 8th round. Oh Christopher, my dear, dear Christopher. You were so close to an ‘A’, sooooo close! Unfortunately, you decided to close your draft out with a little gem from So I Married An Axe Murderer. Um, WTF? Let’s backtrack. Before that, you took “I see dead people.” I personally would have liked to see “E.T. phone home” in there somewhere, but I’m not losing any sleep over it. Before that, you grabbed quotes from Gone With The Wind, Dirty Harry, The Wizard of Oz, and other classics. I applauded your draft with the exception of you last pick. You mailed that one in, and I simply can’t let that go. Thus… Grade: B

Movie Quotes Draft Results

2005-08-25T17:39:00.000-04:00

Boy, did this one take for-EVER. And your administrator almost had to lay the smack down on some unruly drafters. But, results follow below, and commentary should come...oh, in about a million years.

Round 1:

Sydney - 'Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "That's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind"? Well I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.' (Wayne's World)

Adam - "Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos." (The Big Lebowski)

Bryan - "Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't the same fuckin' thing. It ain’t even the same fuckin’ ballpark. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit." (Pulp Fiction)

Albert - "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" (Dr. Strangelove)

Chris - "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." (The Godfather)

Round 2:

Chris - "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." (Wizard of Oz)

Albert – “You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” (On the Waterfront)

Bryan – “We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole multi colored collection of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.” (Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas)

Adam - “The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.” (Field of Dreams)

Sydney - "It's not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything." (Fight Club)

Round 3:

Sydney – “Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?" (Trainspotting)

Adam - “I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I've gotta get inside this guy's pelt and crawl around for a few days.” (Caddyshack)

Bryan – “But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? How am I funny?” (Goodfellas)

Albert – “Greed--for the lack of a better word--is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed--in all of its forms--greed for life, for money, for love, and for knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed--you mark my words--will not only save Teldar paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA." (Wall Street)

Chris - "You've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?" (Dirty Harry)

Round 4:

Chris – "What we've got here is failure to communicate." (Cool Hand Luke)

Albert – “Rosebud.” (Citizen Kane)

Chris (from Bryan, Round 6) – “I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” (Bull Durham)

Adam - “Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.” (There’s Something About Mary)

Sydney - "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?" (Batman)

Round 5:

Sydney - "Mr. Madison, what you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point during your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could have been considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul" (Billy Madison)

Adam - “So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.” (Spaceballs)

Bryan – "Your neck hurts? Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled
landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? I didn't think so." (Happy Gilmore)

Albert – “Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? Do you see me eating mice?” (Super Troopers)

Bryan (from Chris) – “Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” (Animal House)

Round 6:

Bryan (from Chris) – “That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.” (Dazed and Confused)

Albert – "Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!" (Bottle Rocket)

Chris (from Bryan) - "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (Gone With the Wind)

Adam - “I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss.” (Annie Hall)

Sydney - "Excuse me, Senor...I asked for a Mai Tai and they brought me a Pina Colada...and I asked for no salt, NO SALT for the margarita, but there was salt on it...I can take my travler's checks to a competing resort...I can put strychnine in the guacamole and have this place condemned" (Office Space)

Round 7:

Sydney - "Strange things are afoot at the Circle K" (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)

Adam - “I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.” (Full Metal Jacket)

Bryan – “You were lookin' for that third three, but you forgot that Professor Green folded it on Fourth Street and now you're representing that you have it. The DA made his two pair, but he knows they're no good. Judge Kaplan was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush but he came up short and Mr. Eisen is futilely hoping that his queens are going to stand up. So like I said, the Dean's bet is $20.” (Rounders)

Albert - "You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and your going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.” (Rushmore)

Chris – "I see dead people." (The Sixth Sense)

Round 8:

Chris - “Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love." (So I Married an Axe Murderer)

Albert – “The stuff that dreams are made of.” (The Maltese Falcon)

Bryan – “Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in The Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off of
people.” (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

Adam - “You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.” (Blazing Saddles)

Sydney – "Mine, 1970 Pontiac Firebird, The car I always wanted and now I have it. I rule!" (American Beauty)

Simpsons Characters Draft Commentary

2005-08-25T10:48:00.000-04:00

For years too many to count on one set of hands, Matt Groening’s subversive cartoon mainstay,* “The Simpsons,” has been offering the American viewing public a glimpse of what life in small town America is truly like. From it we’ve gleaned valuable medical advice (thank you Dr. Nick Riviera), learned that its cool to be smart (evidenced by Lisa....oh wait), and discovered that alcohol has no long-term adverse effects (would Moe lie to us? Would he?). We’ve laughed with Mr. Burns as he stole the elementary school’s oil, envied Homer as he was able to finagle his way out of church, and been heartbroken with Bart as the cute girl next door went for Jimbo Jones (man, I wish I could grow a bad teenage mustache). In short, its been a good 16 years. Sure there have been some low points (the secret world of the jockeys, that weird island for people who discover the government’s secrets–what the hell were those episodes about? Seriously, I love crack as much as the next guy, but cmon), but those moments have been few and far between.
Anyway, I digress. To get down to the brass tacks of it, the purpose of this draft is to honor the city of Springfield, and its fine inhabitants. And so, as Mr. Teeny, Krusty’s longtime monkey assistant would say, “Oooh ahh ahh ahh.” Translation: let the commentary begin**.

*as stated by Comcast whenever I hit the info button to find out which episode it is.
**given that he’s a monkey, he would undoubtedly couple that statement with a volley of feces.

Albert’s Picks:

Gil: [appearing suddenly] D'ah, she's a beut'. You can't beat a Coleco, eh ...? How many can I put ya' down for, a lot? Please say "a lot," I need this.

Like our dear hapless salesman friend Gil, Albert too has had a recent run of bad luck with his fantasy drafts. After registering defeats in both the Beatles and tourist locales draft, some questioned whether the Little General would ever return to form. Well ladies and gentlemen, with his performance in drafting Springfield’s elite, I think its safe to say that if he’s not back, he’s at least well on his way. In his stable of characters, Albert accrued two of Springfield’s most quotable personas: Ralph Wiggum and Gil the Salesman, the town’s founder: Jebediah Springfield (aka Hans Sprungfield), and the always likeable Kwik-E-Mart Owner Apu. His draft was not without fault, however. The selection of Lisa in the third round, while not necessarily a bad pick, was fairly uninspired, and dare I say, yawn inducing. Also, his decision to draft animals in the 6th and 8th rounds (Santa’s Little Helper and Furious D) while many good human characters still remained was questionable. What is Albert’s obsession with cartoon animals that he would spend a quarter of his draft on them? My guess, bestiality. But that’s for the courts to decide I suppose.
His deviations aside though, twas a solid draft. Kudos to you Albert, and welcome back, I hope. Final Grade: A-

Sydney’s Selections:

Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds... Oh, I've wasted my life.

And so we enter the realm of Sydney’s draft. Her draft began promisingly enough with the selection of Bart Simpson with the second pick (some argue that Burns should have gone #2, I think either would have been good choices). However, it quickly turned to mayhem as our resident French Countess proceeded to squander pick after preceding pick. With her 2nd and 3rd round selections, the Beatle Queen drafted Barney Gumble and Otto Mann, two characters, that while notable, certainly do not live up to the high positions they were taken. Her 4th and 5th round picks did serve to limit the onslaught of water quickly sinking her boat as Sydney redeemed herself slightly with the selections of Comic Book Guy, a gluttonous taco-living man of the 90's, and Snake, the beloved criminal with murderous hair. However, she fell back off the wagon with her final two selections of Uter and Wendell. Uter, while full of chocolate, is scarcely in the show, and very well may have been shipped back to Germany in the late ‘90s. And Wendell, well I’m not even going to justify that pick with a response. Overall, a disappointing draft from our dear administrator. Hopefully she can redeem herself in the next fantasy draft, or if not there, then in glorious, glorious battle. Better luck next time Syd.
Final Grade: C

Dan’s Draft:

Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

So, onto Dan’s decisions do we now trod. With his first two selections, Dan established that he was out to control the ruling elite of Springfield. In the first round he grabbed C. Montgomery Burns, the oldest man in Springfield, owner of the nuclear power plant, and Social Security number 000-00-0002. With his second choice he continued his transparent attraction to men in power by taking the always corrupt, always womanizing, and somehow always mayor, Diamond Joe Quimby. With the movement of the draft into the third and fourth rounds, some feel that Dan may have stumbled slightly. While the characters he selected followed his plan to gain control over Springfield’s medical and educational systems, it is this reviewer’s opinion that there may have been other characters available (most notably Dr. Nick) who would have fit this vision, as well as provided a few more laughs. With these mid-round hiccups in his rearview mirror, Dan jumped right back on track with his 5th round selection of Springfield’s notorious underworld boss, Fat Tony. He then proceeded to take a gamble, one that paid dividends, in the 6th round with the selection of Lenny Leonard. One half of the dynamic duo Lenny and Carl, this pick could have backfired on Dan like a 1978 Impala if Carl had been selected before his turn came back around in the 7th round. Luckily for him, it did not, and Dan was able to pick up the two friends for life with fairly late picks. With his final pick, Dan selected Maggie Simpson. Sure she doesn’t talk much, or at all, but in a Simpsons draft, you need a Simpson. So good job on realizing this. Good job indeed.
Overall, a good draft. The hiccups in round three and four certainly keep him from achieving a flawless draft, however the late round pickups of the Lenny and Carl combo prove to boost his overall draft portfolio. Final Grade: A-

Adam’s Picks:

Man: I'm telling you the light would work better if it pointed out to sea.
Sea Captain: Arr, shut up. I know what I'm doin'.
(a boat crashes in the distance)
Sea Captain: Arr, I hate the sea and everything in it.

Adam’s draft. Adam’s draft. Where to begin? Well, looking at these selections, its immediately apparent that Adam’s draft board was dominated by selecting characters with defining roles in Springfield. He picked Chief Wiggum (1st), Groundskeeper Willie (2nd), the Sea Captain (3rd), Duffman (4th), and Principal Skinner (7th). Despite his obvious affinity for men with a set income/job position, this strategy did not hurt Adam. His selection of Chief Wiggum in the first round, while perhaps a pick or two too soon, was not debilitating. Similarly, his selection of Groundskeeper Willie in the second seemed a bit early, yet if he had not drafted him, it is likely the good keeper of keys for Springfield Elementary would not have been available when the third round snaked back around to our resident Californian. The Sea Captain and Duffman were both serviceable picks in rounds three and four. While not great steals, they provide some much needed comic relief for the denizens of Springfield, not to mention Duffman is a beer superhero/spokesman, a job normal lemmings like us can only dream of, and possibly drool over. The only knock against them is that neither appears on the Simpsons with any degree of regularity. Adam did well selecting Milhouse Van Houten with his fifth round pick. Best friend of Bart Simpson, wannabe love interest of Lisa Simpson, blue haired freak. All make for a great selection. Nelson and Principal Skinner were both serviceable picks, and compliment Adam’s portfolio nicely, although I am guessing that no other drafter was heartbroken when they fell off the board. Canary M. Burns in the 8th round was a throwaway pick.
All in all, Adam had a decent draft. On the upside, he amassed some amazingly quotable and hilarious characters. On the downside, Adam’s characters are, for the most part, ancillary characters. They are not necessarily important to the everyday fabric of Springfield, although when they are present, they definitely give the show that extra kick that I thought was only to be found in the jungles of Amazonia. Also detracting from Adam’s draft was his decision not to pick any member of the family Simpson. Although knowing him, perhaps he’ll try to sign Herb Powell to a free agent contract? Who knows.
Final Grade: B+

Sarah’s Steamy Selections:

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Time to peer into the past, and take a look at what Sarah’s draft looked like. She started off exceptionally well, nabbing Lionel Hutz and Sideshow Bob in the first and second rounds respectively. I think that most of the drafters were secretly hoping that Mr. Hutz would fall out of the first round so that they could select him in the second, and declare it the steal of the draft. Sarah, unfortunately, was having none of that. Unfortunate, too, is the rest of her draft. In round three, Sarah selected Ned Flanders, the Simpsons ultra-Catholic/conservative neighbor. Like Lisa, Ned is something of a boring pick. Never one to do anything too crazy, Ned relies on Homer to be his catalyst, and thus rarely brings any sort of excitement to the show. Sure he acts as a foil, but in this situation, I believe that Sarah could have held off taking Ned, and instead grabbed a Dr. Nick, a Duffman, a Gil. But she didn’t. Following this debacle, Sarah continued with a line of substandard picks, taking Hans Moleman, Kang, and Mrs. Skinner with her next three selections. It was only with her choice of Smithers in the 7th Round (a steal) that she was able to salvage anything out of the later rounds of her draft. The squeaky voiced teen as a round 8 selection, while not bad, certainly does not redeem her previous poor drafting.
In conclusion, Sarah’s drafting was weak to quite weak. Additionally, Sarah too lacked any members of the Simpson family, be it nuclear or extended. Final Grade: C-

Bryan’s Picks:

Rainier: My new movie is me, standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes. It cost 80 million dollars to make.
Jay Sherman: how do you sleep at night?
Rainier: on top of a big pile of money, with many beautiful women.

Oh how this draft might have been different if Bryan had taken his ritalin right before it! Commenters from around the globe might be posting notes as you read this, remarking on this new messiah drafter. This man among men destined to lead us to the drafting paradise. Oh, what could have been... But alas, life is cruel, and bitter. And for now, dreams of the messiah must wait. For while Bryan offered glimpses of drafting brilliance, his final portfolio, leads only to, as our dear friends from Green Day would say, a boulevard of broken dreams.
Through the first four rounds of the draft, Bryan was playing the role of Kid Hollywood, making one deft decision after the next. With his first selection, he took everyone’s favorite Jewish performer (this side of Adam’s tumbling performances that is), Krusty the Klown. He followed that up with one of the few characters ever to be retired, the great b movie actor Troy McLure. After that pick he selected Dr. Nick Riviera, and Rainier Wolfcastle in the 3rd and 4th rounds respectively. However, following his selection of Wolfcastle, the man who made McBain famous, Bryan seems to have taken his hands off the wheel in favor of driving with his penis. And where did his nuts and bolts lead him you might ask? That’s right, Lurleen Lumpkin, the country singing waitress who nearly broke up Marge and Homer’s marriage. Taking Professor Frink with his pick in round six was a nice move, and at the time appeared to be evidence of Bryan steering himself back into the right direction. However, this evidence was soon to be found faulty as Bryan decided to finish his draft by picking two names out of a hat. Those names? Senor Spielbergo (Steven Spielberg’s Mexican doppleganger) in the 7th round and Kirk Van Houten (Milhouse’s father) in the 8th. I’m not even going to comment on these last picks, I’ll just say that with them, the dreams of the drafting messiah were left for another day.
As for grading, Bryan’s first half of the draft was exceptional, and that cannot be taken away from him. However, his second half, minus Frink, was abysmal. He, too, suffered from not having any actual Simpson. Final Grade: B-

Chris’ Cuddly Choices:

Grampa: "Good news boy, I found a pharmacy that carries leeches. Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy, more of a bait shop."
Bart: "Look Grampa, I'm fine. I really don't need anymore home remedies."
Grampa: "Oral thermometer my eye! Think warm thoughts boy cause this is mighty cold."

Finally, we find ourselves dissecting Chris’ draft selections. Always a strong drafter, Chris once again turned in a solid performance. Situated on the back end of the snake draft (for the fourth straight time), it seems that random.org has a personal vendetta against our favorite little Wheatonite. Despite this initial handicap, Chris came out blazing when the selections finally came his way, taking Grampa Simpson with his first pick. And while no one can fault him for this pick, it appears that Chris picked one slot too late in the first round. With heavyweights such as Homer, Mr. Burns, and Lionel Hutz going in that initial round, its obvious that Chris’ pick of Grampa does not stack up. Not a bad pick, just not as good as some of the other characters taken earlier in the round. His next two picks (Moe in round two and Kent Brockman in round three) were exceptional. In grabbing these two characters, he was able to control both Springfield’s source of liquor and their source of news. In round 4, Chris went ahead and drafted the first, and possibly only, slack jawed yokel to be selected in any fantasy draft: Cletus. He followed this choice up with his selection of the matriarch of Family Simpson, Marge. This choice, like that of Lisa and Flanders, came a little too early for my taste. She’s good, and necessary, but does she offer the same level of enjoyment as even later Chris picks Disco Stu or Drederick Tatum? I don’t think so. Speaking of these characters, both were high value picks in the later rounds. Similar to many of the characters from Adams draft, Disco Stu and Drederick Tatum are not constant characters throughout the series. However, in the few episodes that they do appear, they are certainly noticeable, and in the case of Mr. Tatum, provide some of the best quotes from the Simpsons catalogue. Chris’ only remaining pick, his seventh round selection of Reverend Lovejoy, was eh. Reverend Lovejoy, like Marge two rounds before him, was a character that had to be drafted. He is a central part of the Simpsons’ life. That said, he doesn’t really offer that much to the table and there is a reason he was still available in round seven.
Overall, Chris’ draft was strong. He made great selections with Moe, Kent Brockman, and Drederick Tatum. He was hurt slightly by his position in the first round, and his seemingly obligated picks of Marge and Reverend Lovejoy in the 5th and 7th. Final Grade: A-

Simpsons Characters Draft - Results

2005-08-23T17:32:00.000-04:00

Round 1:
Albert – Homer J Simpson
Sydney – Bart Simpson
Dan - C. Montgomery Burns
Adam – Chief Wiggum
Sarah – Lionel Hutz
Bryan – Krusty the Clown
Chris – Abe Simpson

Round 2:
Chris – Moe Szyslak
Bryan – Troy McClure
Sarah – Sideshow Bob
Adam – Groundskeeper Willie
Dan – Joe Quimby
Sydney – Barney Gumble
Albert – Ralph Wiggum

Round 3:
Albert – Lisa Simpson
Sydney – Otto Mann
Dan - Dr. Julius "dammit I won't bury another patient" Hibbert
Adam - Captain Horatio McCallister
Sarah – Ned Flanders
Bryan – Dr. Nick Riviera
Chris – Kent Brockman

Round 4:
Chris – Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel
Bryan - Rainer Wolfcastle
Sarah – Hans Moleman
Adam – Duffman
Dan – Edna Krabapple
Sydney – Comic Book Guy
Albert – Gil

Round 5:
Albert – Apu
Sydney - Snake
Dan – Fat Tony
Adam - Milhouse Van Houten
Sarah – Kang
Bryan – Lurleen
Chris – Marge

Round 6:
Chris – Disco Stu
Bryan – Prof. Frink
Sarah – Mrs. Skinner
Adam – Nelson Muntz
Dan – Lenny
Sydney - Bumblebee Man
Albert - Santa’s Little Helper

Round 7:
Albert - Jebediah Springfield
Sydney - Uter
Dan - Carl Carlson
Adam - Principal Seymour Skinner
Sarah - Smithers
Bryan - Senor Spielbergo
Chris - Rev. Lovejoy

Round 8:
Chris - Drederick Tatum
Bryan - Kirk Van Houten
Sarah - Squeaky Voiced Teen
Adam - Canary M. Burns
Dan - Maggie
Sydney - Wendell
Albert - Furious D. (aka Duncan)

Wait, What Beatles Song Draft?

2005-08-22T22:35:00.000-04:00

You again might be asking yourself, "Wha' Happened?" with the Beatles draft commentary that follows below. Waaaaay back in July, the lengthiest draft to date - FOURTEEN rounds! - took place, with Chris, Dan, Sydney, Adam, Bryan, and Albert doing the honors. If you want to check up on the original results, click HERE for Day 1 and HERE for Day 2. Each drafter's final team appears below the commentary, too.

A side note - the Beatles song draft was, in addition to being lengthy, quite hard. (That's what she said.) The commentary below proved equally difficult. Long story short, the Beatles are good. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Beatles Commentary - Part II of II

2005-08-21T18:01:00.000-04:00

An all-around snob evaluates Dan, Adam, and Albert:

Dan started off the draft with a good pick, but by no means a song worthy of the first round. Here Comes the Sun has one of the Beatles’ finer melodies, but pales in comparison to some of his later picks. Mysteriously enough, Dan’s portfolio changed from strong to quite strong. Overall, he scored some monumental songs, such as "Hard Day’s Night" and "Let it Be." Now if that doesn’t span a career, I don’t know what does. Reeling from his victory over "Let It Be," Dan faltered a bit with "Glass Onion" and "Lovely Rita." "Help!", "Yesterday", and "Eight Days A Week" pay a nice homage to the early years, while "Norwegian Wood" and the sadly lovable "Yellow Submarine" round out his later songs. The real oddball in all of this is "Mean Mr. Mustard," truly a last round pick. This short ditty, perhaps evocative of Dan’s desire to run wild and shout obscenities at the Queen, does very little for his draft. Overall grade: B+. Nice variety with only the occasional “Wha’ Happened?”

[Dan’s Draft: Here Comes the Sun; Norwegian Wood; I'm Only Sleeping; Let It Be; Glass Onion; Lovely Rita; Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da; Help!; Yesterday; Eight Days A Week; Hard Day's Night; Fixing A Hole; Yellow Submarine; Mean Mr. Mustard]

Perhaps the most feared drafter of the bunch, Adam certainly showed his Beatles prowess on and off the playing field. When called upon, he was able to spout out trivia about any song in this entire draft, a feat we were all amazed and slightly scared by. Adam started out with the classic “Day Tripper” and the amusing "Happiness is a Warm Gun." Most commendable, however, are his hard-hitters “Strawberry Fields Forever,” “Hey Jude,” “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” and “Drive My Car”. These picks showcase the band at their best… on a lot of drugs. In the second-to-last round, Adam let his true Beatles snob colors shine through by drafting “I’ve Got A Feeling (Remastered version from Let it Be...Naked),” as if the run-of-the-mill version was beneath him. Although drafted late in the game and never a US chart topper, “From Me To You” should be acknowledged not for its musical quality, but for its appearance on one of the two 1964 Ed Sullivan Show performances. These concerts were instrumental in instigating Beatlemania in the US, starting a chain of events without which we might have been unable to hold this draft (a real tragedy). Overall grade: B+. No one likes a showoff.

[Adam’s Draft: Day Tripper; Happiness Is A Warm Gun; Yer Blues; Strawberry Fields Forever; I Am The Walrus; Hey Jude; Dear Prudence; Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; Oh! Darling; Taxman; Drive My Car; From Me To You; I've Got A Feeling, (Remastered version from Let it Be...Naked); Hey Bulldog]

If variety is the spice of life, Albert is not a very spicy fellow… unless you only like pepper. Make no mistake of what Albert’s favorite Beatles album is: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Yes, half of his entire draft is made up of one album. While “Day in the Life,” “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” and “With a Little Help From My Friends” are all fantastic picks, Albert’s lust for fame and glory marred his draft with the so-so “Being for the Benefit Mr. Kite” and “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise),” the sappy “She’s Leaving Home,” and the deplorable “Within Without you.” Sadly, the sitar’s novelty wore off after Revolver and should have been discarded after that. Sgt. Pepper aside, “Rocky Raccoon” was an eccentric, but tolerable 2^nd round choice, joined later on by its even more eccentric album mate, “Helter Skelter.” The real tragedy of Albert’s team is the fact that “You’re Going to Lose that Girl” is the only pre-Rubber Soul song in sight. Overall grade: C. We’re not playing Risk here - no need for a coalition.

[Albert’s Draft: Day in the Life; Rocky Raccoon; Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds; You Never Give Me Your Money; Nowhere Man; Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite; With a Little Help From My Friends; Maxwell's Silver Hammer; Helter Skelter; Within You, Without You; Sgt. Pepper's (Reprise); Octopus' Garden; You're Going to Lose that Girl; She's Leaving Home]

UPDATE (9:21 pm PDT): The previously-posted barcode-esque image of "Abbey Road" has been removed in the interests of good taste, and amended with The Real Deal. Apologies if any Beatles snobs' sensibilities were upset. (This one's have only begun to recover. I do declare, the vapors!)
-Hired Hand

Beatles Commentary - Part I of II

2005-08-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

An incredibly arrogant Beatles snob [Adam] evaluates Bryan, Chris, and Sydney:

Bryan’s “album” looked to be fairly solid until midway through the draft, when apparently songs written by actual Beatles became too good for him. DJ B admirably selected ode-to-German-prostitutes “Ticket to Ride” and ode-to-vegetarians “I Will” to lead off the draft, and showed album variety, if not creativity, with his next four choices. At this point, however, the Good Ship Bryan strikes the iceberg with the selection of Chuck Berry’s “Roll Over Beethoven.” Despite achieving brief redemption in “Please Please Me” and “I’m Looking Through You,” he stumbled again with “You Really Got a Hold On Me,” the frontrunner for Worst Song Taken. With so many Beatles songs to choose from, “I Should Have Known Better” was an all-too-fitting end to this draft. Overall grade: C-. Sack up, bra.

[Bryan’s draft: Ticket To Ride; I Will; In My Life; You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away; When I’m Sixty-Four; Something; Here, There, And Everywhere; Roll Over Beethoven; Do You Want To Know A Secret; Love Me Do; Please Please Me; You Really Got A Hold On Me; I’m Looking Through You; I Should Have Known Better]

Chris betrayed his normal affinity for counterculture by selecting the most #1 hits of any participant: a whopping EIGHT of his fourteen choices hit the top of the charts in Britain or America. It wasn’t necessarily a bad idea: the team kicks it off strong with “I Saw Her Standing There,” and follows it with two very good (although similar) songs in “She Loves You” and “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Chris’s draft then sends us on a rollercoaster ride that manages to be depressing, uplifting, nostalgic, amorous, and psychedelic all at once: from “Revolution” through “Magical Mystery Tour,” it’s hard to find fault with the heart of the order. His selection of three straight #1’s to close the draft gave him bang for his buck, but neglected some of the Beatles’ best work. Indeed, the White Album, Sgt. Pepper’s, and Abbey Road are entirely overlooked – and NO George Harrison songs make an appearance. Overall grade: B. George is dead now, Chris, and there’s no way you can make it up to him.

[Chris’s draft: I Saw Her Standing There; She Loves You; Can’t Buy Me Love; Revolution; Eleanor Rigby; Penny Lane; Got To Get You Into My Life; And I Love Her; We Can Work It Out; Magical Mystery Tour; All My Loving; I Want To Hold Your Hand; Lady Madonna; Paperback Writer]

Sydney’s draft has been lauded since the results hit the press – a seemingly impregnable fortress of Beatle Greatness. From the Harrison masterpiece “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” to the 60’s anthem “All You Need Is Love,” the mistakes are few and far between. “I Me Mine,” while another great Harrison track, was never REALLY a full-on song, having been pasted together from studio outtakes from its initial Spectorized release in 1970. Syd features the Beatles at their finest, from the widely popular (“Blackbird,” “Come Together,” “Birthday”) to the underappreciated (“For No One,” “I’m So Tired,” “Get Back”). A remarkable breadth was shown by songwriter, style, tempo, and melody. With no songs pre-1966, however, Sydney neglects all Beatles tunes NOT written under the influence of psychedelic drugs. Bonus points for selecting the most songs in mixed meter; demerit for drafting as if the world began with Revolver. Overall grade: A-. Alllllmost made it.

[Sydney’s draft: While My Guitar Gently Weeps; Back in the USSR; For No One; Come Together; Blackbird; I Me Mine; She Came In Through The Bathroom Window; Across the Universe; I’m So Tired; Because; Birthday; Get Back; Julia; All You Need Is Love]

Tourist Sights - Expert Commentary

2005-08-19T13:05:00.000-04:00

Before we even begin to delve into the shipwreck that was this draft, let’s set the tone by noting that the number two pick overall in this – a draft of the most awe-inspiring and famous sights around the globe – was a statue of a boy peeing. And let me further note that this selection was immediately traded for FIRST AND SECOND ROUND PICKS. Ahem. Down to brass tacks…

Sarah kicks off the draft with a solid first choice. The Western Wall, one of the oldest and most profoundly holy places in the world, has been a key political and spiritual nexus for millennia. Let me reiterate (and I apologize for dwelling on this) that this choice was followed directly by Albert’s selection of a statue of a boy peeing. By and large, Sarah had a fairly solid draft, as she assembled a potpourri of religious, political, cultural and natural wonders spanning three continents and several millennia. The selection of Siena’s Central Piazza in the second round was clearly premature, coming as it did before heavy hitters such as the Colosseum, Parthenon and Great Barrier Reef. However, Sarah is to be commended for balancing Eurocentric with non-Eurocentric picks such as Cristo Redentor, Kilimanjaro and Teotihuacan in rounds three, four and six respectively. She is even able to infuse an element of Islam with the solid fifth round selection of the Alhambra, and can almost be forgiven for her truly uninspired selections of the Statue of Liberty and Colonial Williamsburg. Overall grade: B. Nice diversity, despite the clear under-representation of Asia.

Albert’s draft has prompted a heated debate amongst critics regarding whether he is in fact an eastern mystic, or merely indulging some form of Asian fetish. The selection, in order, of the Great Wall of China, Taj Mahal, Angkor Watt, Mount Everest, and Golden Pavilion speak of a personality either desperately seeking some form of profound inner harmony, or just looking for a Thai massage parlor with dubious moral standards. In all, Albert can hardly be faulted for any of his picks. His selections of Machu Picchu (a truly fantastic pick), the Grand Canyon, Iguazu Falls, and Mount Everest in the second, fourth, sixth and eighth rounds consecutively, grant him solid boasting rights to the most awe-inspiring landscapes taken in the draft. Round five and ten pickups of the Sistine Chapel and Gettysburg Battlefield, while both strong picks in their own right, are somewhat incoherent when taken with the other selections. Overall grade: B-. Extra points for natural grandeur.

Dan began the draft with a series of respectable, if fairly obvious choices. After a little European adventure in the first three rounds, racking up the Eiffel Tower, St. Peter’s Basilica and the Kremlin, he appears ready to mix in a little natural majesty by snapping up Victoria Falls, the Great Barrier Reef, and Yosemite National Park. Round six was a bit of a slip for Dan, with the incongruous and highly questionable selection of Graceland, but he recovers in eight, and goes back to his Europhile roots with the impressive Mont St. Michel. It is at this point that Dan goes completely off the reservation. Clearly drunk with power (or just drunk) and attempting to bolster his ‘natural grandeur’ credentials and compete with Albert, Dan redefines the notion of “flying too close to the sun” by attempting to select, um, space. This pick could be called brazen, bizarre, outrageous, but you know what? Whatever. I’m not even going to talk about this anymore. Overall grade: D +. You fuck a goat once, well suddenly you’re a goat fucker.

Bryan’s early pickups of the Sphinx, Leaning Tower of Pisa and Colosseum are all completely respectable, if a bit uncreative. Round four’s selection of the White House as a world tourist attraction was a bit of a dud given that tourists aren’t allowed anywhere near it at the moment. However his hidden motive, grabbing up awesome places to live, becomes apparent in subsequent picks as he snatches up Versailles, and later the San Diego Zoo. The Waterford Crystal Factory and Baseball Hall of Fame were both surprises, but this critic is willing to go run with it. Round nine’s choice of Molokini was interesting only in that it prompted the funny sounding “It's Molokai that is near Lahaina, not Molokini, and nobody goes to Molokai.” Overall grade: B -. A few strong pickups, but the drafting of the Jeita Grotto at the end rounds out a completely random series of choices.

Rather than even enumerate Adam’s selections, I will simply list the countries in which they’re located: Belgium, France, England, Greece, Australia, U.S., England (again), Spain, Italy, and (again) England. Oh yeah, and he traded two draft picks for a statue of a boy peeing. Overall grade: D -. Loses points for ethnocentricity, homogeneity and puerility.

Chris, like Sarah, wins big points for managing to achieve diversity without sliding into complete incongruity. The Temple Mount, Pyramids of Giza, Angel Falls, and Westminster Abbey are all excellent early round picks. Chris quite competently rounds out these selections with the U.S. Capitol and Beijing’s Forbidden City. The seventh round selection of the Haggia Sophia is a huge sleeper, and one of the best picks of the draft. And finally, Chris’ late round selections of Ashford Castle, Arlington National Cemetery and the Brandenburg Gate complement a balanced, diverse portfolio on Chris’ behalf. Overall grade: A -.

Sydney, recently receiving a great deal of positive attention for her stunning performance in the Beatles draft, stumbles a bit here. She manages to save herself from Adam-style cultural isolationism only by tossing in Mt. Fuji as a token Asian destination. She does manage to balance the ancient (Stonehenge, The Forum, Pompeii) with the stunningly modern (Guggenheim of Bilbao). And while her picks are all defensible, they fall just short of the inspiration in a Haggia Sophia, Machu Picchu or an Iguazu Falls. Overall grade: C +. Lacks the broad horizons of Sarah and Chris, however extra points for Stonehenge and Pompeii.

Tourist Attractions Draft Results

2005-08-18T17:38:00.000-04:00

Round 1:
Sarah – Western Wall
Adam (from Albert)– Manneken Pis*
Dan – Eiffel Tower
Sydney – Stonehenge
Bryan - the Sphinx
Albert (from Adam) – Great Wall of China*
Chris – Temple Mount

Round 2:
Chris – Pyramids at Giza
Albert (from Adam) – Taj Mahal*
Bryan – the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Sydney – the Forum
Dan - St. Peter's Basilica
Albert - Macchu Picchu
Sarah – Central Piazza (Siena)

Round 3:
Sarah – Cristo Redentor in Rio
Adam (from Albert) – Louvre*
Dan – Kremlin
Sydney – Place de l’Etoile
Bryan – Colosseum
Adam - Trafalgar Square
Chris - Angel Falls

Round 4:
Chris – Westminster Abbey
Adam – Parthenon
Bryan – White House
Sydney – Guggenheim Museum, Bilbao
Dan – Victoria Falls
Albert – Grand Canyon
Sarah – Mount Kilimanjaro

Round 5:
Sarah - the Alhambra
Albert – Sistine chapel
Dan – Great Barrier Reef
Sydney – The Ruins of Pompeii (with Mount Vesuvius)
Bryan – Palace at Versailles
Adam – Sydney Opera House
Chris - U.S. Capitol

Round 6:
Chris- Forbidden City
Adam – Yellowstone National Park
Bryan – Baseball Hall of Fame
Sydney – Badlands
Dan – Graceland
Albert - Iguazu Falls
Sarah – Teotihuacan

Round 7:
Sarah - Statue of Liberty
Albert - Angkor Watt
Dan – Yosemite National Park
Sydney – Mount Fuji
Bryan – San Diego Zoo
Adam – Palace of Westminster
Chris – Haga Sofia

Round 8:
Chris – Ashford Castle
Adam - El Museo del Prado
Bryan – Waterford Crystal Factory
Sydney - Giverny
Dan – Mont St. Michel.
Albert – Mount Everest
Sarah – Red Square

Round 9:
Sarah – Charles Bridge
Albert – Golden Pavilion
Dan – Space
Sydney – Central Park
Bryan – Molokini
Adam – Piazza San Marco, including St. Mark's Basilica
Chris – Arlington National Cemetery

Round 10:
Chris - Brandenburg Gate
Adam - Tower of London
Bryan – Jeita Grotto in Lebanon
Sydney – Beaches of Normandy
Dan- Winter Palace in Russia
Albert – Gettysburg Battlefields
Sarah – Colonial Williamsburg

*denotes sneaky trading

Wha' Happened?

2005-08-17T17:36:00.000-04:00

In a coke-fueled stupor, you may have recently asked yourself, "What's the deal with Fantasy Drafts? All that wonderful commentary is all over the place or missing now!"

First, may we suggest you ask yourself why you were reading Fantasy Drafts in the first place. Go ahead, ask yourself. Good? Done? Good.

Now, let me explain. Baby, please let me explain. It's not what you think.

The team of incredibly erudite, four-eyed, and pimply-faced writers over here at Fantasy Drafts has finally been roused from our own coke-fueled stupor, and brought some semblance of order to this crazy, crazy world. Or at least to our blog.

For ease of reading, we've changed the dates on old posts, ensuring that commentary immediately follows the results of a draft, instead of being all funky-like and disorganized. Two final thoughts on this radical act:

1. We hope it'll be a lot easier for readers to flip back and forth between results and commentary.
2. We really really hope that messing with the dates of the posts hasn't totally fucked up the entire space-time continuum.

Hired Hand, out.

Wars Draft - Expert Commentary

2005-08-17T17:30:00.000-04:00

As a subjective, bitchy and extremely partial individual, I feel that I am uniquely qualified to not only evaluate the wars draft, but to assign grades to each participant's selections. If you're feeling a bit unsure of your world (a.k.a. European and American) history I highly suggest you Choe.

In today's complicated world there are few things that are as easy as the first choice in a fantasy draft of wars throughout history. Thus, Albert chose the only possible first pick with his selection of World War II. No other conflict has so influenced the world in which we live. Period. He followed that up nicely by picking the wars of Alexander the Great. Some may have felt this to be a stretch, but I disagree; A the G's epic conquests and voracious sexual appetite are the things legends, and Oliver Stone movies, are made of. Here I must give pause to alert you, dear reader, to scroll down if you are averse to swearing and capital letters - Albert's next choice forced my hand. THE FUCKING WAR OF FUCKING 1812? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? With the 11th pick of the draft Albert just laid a huge egg. The only rational explanation for this has to be that he got stuck in the birth canal and was deprived of a sufficient amount of oxygen. He did get sweet redemption in the 4th round when he chose the Seven Years' War. Sadly, for some inexplicable reason, the draft administrator/TYRANT (Sarah) ruled that the North American portion of this conflict, the French and Indian War, also fell in with this pick. In that case it was a good steal...there is hope for Albert's draft yet.....And in the fifth round he squanders any opportunity to redeem himself. Russo-Japanese War. Who cares? Negotiating the end to this tiff couldn't have been more difficult than eating my Crispix this morning, but did I find a Nobel Peace Prize in the box of cereal? Albert did well for himself with his seventh round selection of the Norman Conquests of England. Any event that is manly enough to survive for 1000 years on a woven tapestry is worthy of our admiration. The Mexican-American war isn't a bad choice to round out Albert's draft, that Thoreau wrote Civil Disobedience as a protest against paying taxes for the war is a plus. The minuses? The major players included James K. Polk and Zachary Taylor. Also Wilmot Proviso is pretty darn fun to say.

Albert's Draft: World War II, Wars of A the G, War of 1812, Seven Years War (including French and Indian War), Russo-Japanese War, Balkan Wars, Norman Conquest of England, Mexican-American War. Final Grade: B-. An obvious pick, 2 sexy picks, 1 decent pick, 2 blech picks and 2 crappy picks.

Sometimes, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to see that your opponents are fantasy drafting from a set of different criteria than you are. This is clearly the case in Sarah's draft and I will attempt to adjust my criticisms accordingly. She started off with the American Revolutionary War, a pick that, when initially made, I didn't like too much. After a bit of reflection, however, I find it to be more than adequate and probably worthy of a top 3 selection. It influenced countless other revolutions, gave credence to the greatest intellectual generation in our country's history, encapsulated the American spirit and was so intense that only an Australian could play an American hero. Sarah the begins to go off the deep-end by choosing the Second Boer War. She then attempts to redeem herself by noting that her draft choices are motivated by the "funny-sounding names" of the wars rather than any redeeming value. Tsk. Tsk. Gurkha war? Was that about pickles?

Sarah's Draft: American Revolutionary War, Second Boer War, Punic Wars,
Hukbalahap Rebellion, Mau Mau Revolt, Futbol War, First Schleswig-Holstein War, Gurkha War. Final Grade: Inc. A good pick, 2 decent picks, 5 what the hell? picks.

Adam's draft was all about the civil wars. The US, Russian, Chinese and Spanish Civil Wars make up half of his draft portfolio. Most trained observers agree that Adam's probably dealing with some sort of identity crisis and it is important to note that he has a bumper sticker that says I "My Bolshevism Ran Over Your Fascism." And the Russian Civil War? Great pick. Any time you can get Winston Churchill talking about strangling babies AND involve a treaty with the word "Brest" in it, you've got my vote. The 30 Years War is one of my favorites and it was stolen right out from underneath me, so kudos to you my friend. As for the rest of his choices, the Sino-Japanese war is a good value pick, but it lacks the sexiness of the rest of WWII. But hell, scorched earth may be attractive to some. This pick combines with the Taiping rebellion to give Adam the highest military casualty count AND the "Most Asiatic Draft" Award.

Adam's Draft: US Civil War, Russian Civil War, Thirty Years War, Chinese Civil War, Sino-Japanese War, Taiping Rebellion, Spanish Civil War, Falklands. Final Grade: A-. Strong Draft, US Civil War was probably a reach and I doubt anybody would have selected the Taiping Rebellion. Falklands was a throw away.

Given his draft performance, you would have to say that Dan's quite the Franco-phile. In succession (haha) he chose the French Revolution, World War I, Napoleonic Wars and the War of Spanish Succession which all took place in or involved the French. Not terrible choices, though I don't believe the French Revolution worthy of a first round pick. He did get the coolest of the wars of Louis XIV, and in the fourth round no less! Reversing the old adage, the War of the Roses was actually a better war than it was a movie as it gave rise to a strengthened English monarchy. For rounds 6 and 7 Dan took a Hellenistic turn, selecting the Peloponnesian and Trojan Wars. I am surprised the Trojan wars fell to round 7 and Dan did well to snatch them up with the 34th overall choice. The Six Days War never did it for me and I don't feel that it was worthy of a selection in our draft. Those Israelis were pretty damn sneaky though.

Dan's Draft: French Revolution, World War I, Napoleonic Wars, War of the Spanish Succession, War of the Roses, Peloponnesian War, Trojan War, Six Days War. Final Grade: A. Solid overall, makes up with a first round reach with late round fireworks.

Occasionally you will see such brilliance in a fantasy draft that it simply obscures the choices of those around it. Such is the case with Chris' picks. Chris knocked around communism with his deft selection of the Cold War, clearly the number 2 overall choice in any wars draft. In snatching up the Vietnam War in round 4 he proved that he is no anti-war, draft-card-burning, pot smoking hippie (NIXON in '08). He exposed himself as a true student of Early Modern Europe (not coincidently his favorite period in history) in taking the French Wars of Religion, the Hundred Years War, the English Civil War and the Wars of the League of Schmalkald. He was able to control the two most important wars of the Reformation, the war that put the nail in the coffin of the Middle Ages and a war that resulted in the formation of a "Rump Parliament." Brilliance. In between all of these choices, he was able to get 2 of the 3 wars of German Unification - thus seizing the R&D capabilities of the Prussian army.

Chris' Draft: Cold War, French Wars of Religion, Hundred Years War, Vietnam War, Franco Prussian War, English Civil War, Wars of the Schmalkaldic League, Schleswig War. Final Grade: A. Touches on some of the most influential wars in Early Modern and Modern history.

Wars Draft - Results

2005-08-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

A fantasy draft of wars: a great way, we thought, to address our mutual, barely suppressed rage and hostility toward one another. Commentary forthcoming from someone smarter than I am.

Round 1 -- Wars we've all heard of
Albert: World War II
Sarah: Revolutionary War
Adam: U.S. Civil War
Dan: French Revolution
Chris: Cold War

Round 2 -- Some of us start to show off
Chris: French Wars of Religion
Dan: World War I
Adam: Russian Civil War
Sarah: Boer War
Albert: Wars of Alexander the Great

Round 3 -- Lots of wars with numbers
Albert: War of 1812
Sarah: Punic Wars
Adam: Thirty Years’ War
Dan: Napoleonic Wars
Chris: Hundred Years’ War

Round 4 -- Jeopardy!-style potpourri
Chris: Vietnam War
Dan: War of Spanish Succession
Adam: Chinese Civil War
Sarah: Hukbalahap Rebellion
Albert: Seven Years’ War

Round 5 -- We pick wars with funny-sounding names
Albert: Russo-Japanese War
Sarah: Mau Mau Uprising
Adam: Sino-Japanese War
Dan: War of the Roses
Chris: Franco-Prussian War

Round 6 -- Semantics arguments here
Chris: English Civil War
Dan: Peloponnesian War
Adam: Taiping Rebellion
Sarah: Soccer War
Albert: Balkan Wars

Round 7 -- We're just making these up at this point
Albert: Norman Conquests
Sarah: First Schleswig-Holstein War
Adam: Spanish Civil War
Dan: Trojan War
Chris: Wars of the Schmalkaldic League

Round 8 -- The only round in which they all have "war" in the title
Chris: Schleswig War
Dan: Six Days’ War
Adam: Falklands War
Sarah: Gurkha War
Albert: Mexican-American War

An Elitist Commentary on Drafting Elite Institutions

2005-08-16T19:32:00.000-04:00

This wonderful, if-not-scathing insight, was offered by a drafter who has come under recent fire for her GMing capabilities, Mrs. S. Sarah Post. Her characteristically quixotic demands for excellence are apparent in her 'fair' appraisal of the 8-round draft of United States Colleges and Universities.

"Others shape their commentary round by round; I prefer to analyze the participants' resulting teams. If you actually care about fantasydrafts.blogspot.com enough to have a problem with that, feel free to send me your long-winded diatribes. Looking forward to hearing from you!

Following the Inevitable First Pick of Harvard, Chris mostly focused on building a vaguely Southern coalition. Though he should be commended for remembering that not all strong C&U picks are found in the Northeast or in California, one's eyes do start to glaze over at the monotony of most of Chris's team – UVA, Rice, Vanderbilt, Washington U. St. Louis, and Emory, though excellent schools all, are also, like, identical. Without a single small college or disturbingly enormous state school (UVA, with only 10,000 undergrads, hardly makes the cut there), Chris's team suffers from lack of variety. Oh, and Chris also got Penn, but who cares?

Dan achieved two major strategic objectives with his draft, snaring three (by far the most) schools attended by draft participants AND getting all over the map – literally! Get it?? All over the map? Because he picked colleges from lots of differen…never mind. After selecting Stanford in a transparent attempt to enrage Adam, NYU was Dan's ill-advised second pick: a nice school in a great location, but hardly second-round material – just look at how they treated Scalia!
Following up with Miami, USC, Northwestern, and UNC-Chapel Hill, Dan traversed the country and snapped up some excellent sports teams in the process. With last-round picks BC and Bowdoin, Dan ended up – characteristically – in New England.

Adam recovered rapidly from his first-round heartbreak, building a team of outstanding intellectual power and social ineptitude. Picking schools known for humanities (Yale, Chicago), engineering (Carnegie Mellon), and general overachiever status (Amherst, Georgetown, Swarthmore), Adam ensured that his team members would be up late into the night, rejecting their parents' values. With probably the widest spread among types of schools of any drafter – his team included everything from teensy little colleges to state behemoths UT and UC-Berkeley – Adam ensured his powerhouse team will amass disturbing amounts of power and influence throughout the foreseeable future.

Sydney, the only person besides Dan to successfully lay claim to her own alma mater, ended up with a middling team, one with some excellent choices but lacking overall coherence. After ensnaring the schools that would top anyone's rankings for Most Irritating Jerks (Princeton) and Most Disturbingly Intelligent Nerds (Caltech), Sydney switched to picking (yawn!) some very nice schools with great reputations, Brown, Michigan, and UCLA. Sydney then lurched in another direction entirely, becoming the only drafter to make two picks based on music education. Extra points for Manhattan School of Music, whose acronym moonlights as "mainstream media" – probably the only time that particular phrase will appear on this blog.

Albert's team had the highest preponderance of small northeastern liberal arts colleges. Wow, that's really manly, Albert. After inexplicably choosing MIT even though he majored in creative writing, Albert grabbed the two most different Ivies (Columbia and Dartmouth?), lacrosse/pre-med powerhouse Johns Hopkins, and Notre Dame with a hat tip to his Catholic-school upbringing. Wellesley, a potentially innocent pick in the hands of one of the other drafters, is downright creepy with Albert: you can almost hear him rubbing his hands together in skeevy anticipation. Albert's picks, though promising in some areas, fail to achieve the unity and flair that one would hope for a C&U team."

Colleges and Universities - Results

2005-08-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

The group took to drafting U.S. Colleges and Universities. Participants included Chris, Dan, Adam, Sydney, and Albert. Commentary pending.

Round 1:
Chris - Harvard
Dan - Stanford
Adam - Yale
Sydney - Princeton
Albert - MIT

Round 2:
Albert - Columbia
Sydney - Cornell
Adam - UC-Berkeley
Dan - NYU
Chris - Penn

Round 3:
Chris - Duke
Dan - Miami (FL)
Adam - Amherst Coll.
Sydney - Caltech
Albert - Williams

Round 4:
Albert - Dartmouth
Sydney - Brown
Adam - Georgetown
Dan - USC
Chris - UVA

Round 5:
Chris - Northwestern (to Dan)
Dan - UNC - Chapel Hill
Adam - U. Chicago
Sydney - Michigan
Albert - Johns Hopkins

Round 6:
Albert - Notre Dame
Sydney - UCLA
Adam - Swarthmore
Dan - Boston College
Chris - Rice

Round 7:
Chris - Vanderbilt
Dan - Bowdoin
Adam - Texas
Sydney - Boston U.
Albert - Wellesley

Round 8:
Albert - Middlebury
Sydney - Manhattan School of Music
Adam - Carnegie Mellon
Dan - Washington University in St. Louis (to Chris)
Chris - Emory

Candy Bars Draft - Expert Elitist's Commentary

2005-08-05T12:02:00.000-04:00

From Sarah --

I think everyone's draft turned out remarkably strong, with only a few unfortunate picks marring the potential deliciousness of each team. Dan started out strong with the heavy hitters Reese's and Heath Bars, both notable for their wide popularity AND robust, unique flavors. He showed some drafting flair by picking delectable but unusual bars, snickers crunch and vanilla charleston chew. Amazingly, he managed to snag the excellent, multi-faceted Whatchamacallit in a late round, and his one stumble came with the boring, bland Hershey's Almonds in the last Round.

Albert, throughout the draft, showed his affinity for sugar, sugar, sugar over more complex tastes, choosing Butterfinger, Symphony Toffee, and the dreadful Zagnut. His second-round pick of Caramello was widely seen as a major error, but then again, chaque on a son gout. 100 grand was a mid-round standout for Albert, the one bar on Albert's team showing some true flair, although Almond Joy was also widely seen as a solid, dependable pick.

Sydney's team has perhaps the greatest variety of any -- her bars featured nuts, caramel, nougat of different flavors, marshmallow, and peppermint. Sydney also mixed the standard A-list bars, such as Snickers and Baby Ruth, with more unusual, local favorites, such as Nutrageous, Cadbury Marble Bars and the traditional Southern treat, the Goo Goo Cluster. Sydney was also the only drafter to choose TWO circular "bars."

Adam's drafting, though it resulted in a well-rounded, dependable team, can only be described as "uninspired." Trying to make up for widespread scorn after squandering his first pick on the middling Nestle Crunch, Adam struck out again with the Kit Kat -- admittedly delicious, but hardly second-round fare. Adam soldiered on with old standards Mounds and Symphony Almond before finally finding his style in the second-to-last round and closing his team with the outstanding final picks of Take 5 and Twix Peanut Butter.

Chris mixed in numerous textures and tastes to create an unusual constellation of candies despite the run-of-the-mill nature of hisindividual picks. After the crunchy goodness of Twix and Payday, Chris stumbled a little with the crowd-pleasing but thoroughly unimaginative Milky Way and Hershey bars, followed by Skor, which, although delicious, was blatantly derivative of Dan's prior Heath Bar pick. When Chris rounded out his draft with S'mores, though, all commentators had to agree that Chris's picks would make a great collection of Halloween candy.

My team, I will admit, may only seem like the "best" from my own idiosyncratic (and elitist) perspective. Still, between the competition-crushing Five Star Bars and the indisputably classy, sophisticated 5th Avenue, Peanut Chews, and sexy Almond Joy Dark, rounded out by the acquired-taste favorites Pearson's Nut Roll and O Henry!, I have to say that, despite my being last in the draft order, my draft really WAS the best. But then again, we all expected that.

Candy Bars Draft - Results

2005-08-05T11:50:00.000-04:00

Round 1:
Dan - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Albert - Butterfinger
Sydney - Snickers
Adam - Nestle Crunch
Chris - Twix
Sarah - Five Star Bar

Round 2:
Sarah - 5th Avenue
Chris - Payday
Adam - KitKat
Sydney - Baby Ruth
Albert - Caramello
Dan - Heath Bar

Round 3:
Dan - Snickers Crunch
Albert - 100 Grand
Sydney - Cadbury's Marble Bars
Adam - Mounds
Chris - Milky Way
Sarah - Peanut Chews

Round 4:
Sarah - Almond Joy Dark
Chris - Hershey's Bar
Adam - Symphony Almond Bar
Sydney - Nutrageous
Albert - Hershey's Toffee Symphony
Dan - Vanilla Charleston Chew

Round 5:
Dan - Whatchamacallit
Albert - Almond Joy
Sydney - York Peppermint Patty
Adam - Take 5!
Chris - Skor
Sarah - Pearson's Nut Roll

Round 6:
Sarah - O Henry!
Chris - S'Mores
Adam - Twix Peanut Butter
Sydney - Goo Goo Clusters
Albert - Zagnut
Dan - Almond Hershey's Bar

Meats draft - lunatic commentary

2005-07-25T18:37:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts from Albert (pictured at left) on the outcome of the meats draft.

"Round one started with perhaps the weakest number one overall selections of any draft. Sure, I absolutely adore tuna, plus the variations in preparation c’est fantastique – steak, sushi, sandwich/salad, plus they are really cutting down on the dolphins they kill. However, tuna is more of a mid-draft stalwart one that isn’t pretty but bolsters one’s team. Buffalo was an interesting choice; its historical implications are funny. Turkey kind of goes the way with tuna, although it has the whole what would thanksgiving dinner be without it, so in essence its stock soars, because thanksgiving fucking rocks, right up to the time grandma gets drunk and starts making out with cousin Millie.

Chris so far is having a phenomenal draft, steak and shrimp, great picks, you can layer those together, have one as an appetizer, really good versatile and sumptuous choices. Dan took a personal favorite of mine with the second selection, steamed crabs are a Maryland delectable, also crab cakes and soft shells are pretty darn good. I think salmon is a good value pick here, also the versatility of tuna, however with a little more cachet, all in all S. screwed the first pick royally. Also, scallops are kind of boring unless they are wrapped in bacon; hopefully she has plans of packaging those picks together.

Round three sees the end of Sarah’s dream of scallops wrapped in bacon, and is a pretty standard round, where the bulk, less fancy foods start coming out. Chicken, pork solid choices, bacon more of a delectable choice, but still Chris is the early favorite to host the fantasydrafts team bar-b-q.

Chris goes a little off the reservation here, interrupting what was up to this point one of the most stellar drafts in recent memory. However, one must think are the oysters merely sought after as an aphrodisiac to woe the heart of one Post Toast? The rest of the picks are delectable victuals, duck sumptuous, lobster succulent, beef capriccio scintillating, good round.

Sarah again goes an interesting route, swordfish, while good, doesn’t have the cachet you would like in a round five selection, it would be fine as an end of draft-day choice or perhaps an undrafted free-agency signing. Ostrich burgers are phenomenal, and Adam is slowly building a very solid draft, Chris with picks of oysters and rabbit might not be able to fight off the shrewd Mr. Rapp for much longer. Ok and pheasant what? What does it even look like? Does it have talons?

Crawfish; never have, but good choice. Adam again with a phenomenal pick in venison. It is truly a succulent sweet meat, great for stews or steaks, or anything you wish. Adam could be taking over the spot as head chef!

Ok, Chris takes one back here – also salami, who is Sarah kidding. Dan also clams is a good value pick, but boring. Ribs are delicious, I love ribs, and ribs certainly trump the boring standard cracker fish.

Chris has regained the throne; lamb is DE-f-ing-LICIOUS. Pork butt is nice, but not nearly as good as pork shoulder, an overlooked, sumptuous cut. The rest of the picks – blah.

Dan has registered his first knock out, drag out win of a round, stealing the forgotten calamari. It goes great in pasta, and is everyone’s favorite fried appetizer. Chris further cements his position as Bar-B-Q head honcho, with the non-sexy but serviceable choice of hot dogs, a good snack before the racks and real beef hit the grill!

Sarah could redeem herself with the delicious prosciutto. Actually I would go so far as to say Prosciutto would have been a better number one selection than tuna. Seriously, prosciutto is really good tasting, so good I once ate it off a prostitute's back. As for the rest, Chris definitely rests control of the bitchingest bar-b-g host ever, I love me double cheeseburgers, most usually made of ground beef!"

Meats Draft

2005-07-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

This lazy Monday we decided to hold a supplemental draft...of meats. Analysis on each draftee's meat portfolio to come.

Round 1:
Sarah - Tuna
Adam - Buffalo
Dan - Turkey
Chris - Steak

Round 2:
Chris - Shrimp
Dan - Crab
Adam - Salmon
Sarah - Scallops

Round 3:
Sarah - Mussels
Adam - Chicken
Dan - Pork
Chris - Bacon

Round 4:
Chris - Oyster
Dan - Duck
Adam - Lobster
Sarah - Beef Carpaccio

Round 5:
Sarah - Swordfish
Adam - Ostrich
Dan - Pheasant
Chris - Rabbit

Round 6:
Chris - Crawfish
Dan - Beef Sausage
Adam - Venison
Sarah - Foie Gras

Round 7:
Sarah - Salami
Adam - Whitefish
Dan - Clams
Chris - Ribs

Round 8:
Chris - Lamb
Dan - Halibut
Adam - Pork Butt
Sarah - Mincemeat

Round 9:
Sarah - Impala
Adam - Kangaroo
Dan - Calamari
Chris - Hot Dogs

Round 10:
Chris - Ground Beef
Dan - Turtle
Adam - Cod
Sarah - Prosciutto

Beatles Draft - Day 2

2005-07-20T16:05:00.000-04:00

Round 9:
Dan - Yesterday
Syd - I'm So Tired
Adam - Oh! Darling
Chris - We Can Work It Out
Bryan - Do You Want to Know A Secret
Albert - Helter Skelter

Round 10:
Albert - Within You, Without You
Bryan - Love Me Do
Chris - Magical Mystery Tour
Adam - Taxman
Syd - Because
Dan - Eight Days A Week

Round 11:
Dan - Hard Day's Night
Syd - Birthday
Adam - Drive My Car
Chris - All My Loving
Bryan - Please Please Me
Albert - Sgt. Pepper's (Reprise)

Round 12:
Albert - Octopus' Garden
Bryan - You Really Got a Hold on Me
Chris - Hold Your Hand
Adam - From Me To You
Syd - Get Back
Dan - Fixing A Hole

Round 13:
Dan - Yellow Submarine
Syd - Julia
Adam - I've Got A Feeling (Remastered Version from Let it Be...Naked)
Chris - Lady Madonna
Bryan - I'm Looking Through You
Albert - You're Going to Lose that Girl

Round 14:
Albert - She's Leaving Home
Bryan - I Should Have Known Better
Chris - Paperback Writer
Adam - Hey Bulldog
Syd - All You Need Is Love
Dan - Mean Mr. Mustard

Beatles Draft - Day 1

2005-07-19T19:40:00.000-04:00

So here we attempted to draft our favorite Beatles songs. These are the results from day one; the commentary is forthcoming.

Round 1:
Dan - Here Comes the Sun
Syd - While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Adam - Day Tripper
Chris - I Saw Her Standing There
Bryan - Ticket to Ride
Albert - Day in the Life

Round 2:
Albert - Rocky Raccoon
Bryan - I Will
Chris - She Loves You
Adam - Happiness Is A Warm Gun
Syd - Back in the USSR
Dan - Norwegian Wood

Round 3:
Dan - I'm Only Sleeping
Syd - For No One
Adam - Yer Blues
Chris - Can't Buy Me Love
Bryan - In My Life
Albert - Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Round 4:
Albert - You Never Give Me Your Money
Bryan - You've Got to Hide Your Love Away
Chris - Revolution
Adam - Strawberry Fields Forever
Syd - Come Together
Dan - Let It Be

Round 5:
Dan - Glass Onion
Syd - Blackbird
Adam - I Am The Walrus
Chris - Eleanor Rigby
Bryan - When I'm 64
Albert - Nowhere Man

Round 6:
Albert - Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite
Bryan - Something
Chris - Penny Lane
Adam - Hey Jude
Syd - I Me Mine
Dan - Lovely Rita

Round 7:
Dan - Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da
Syd - She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
Adam - Dear Prudence
Chris - Got to Get You Into My Life
Bryan - Here, There and Everywhere
Albert - With a Little Help From My Friends

Round 8:
Albert - Maxwell's Silver Hammer
Bryan - Roll Over Beethoven
Chris - And I Love Her
Adam - Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Syd - Across the Universe
Dan - Help!

50 states draft - commentary, rounds 5-8

2005-07-18T19:56:00.000-04:00

Dan offers some mostly-coherent thoughts on the rest of the 50 states draft.

“Folks, welcome to rounds 5-8 of the states draft. After watching one highly touted state after another fall off the board through the first four rounds (caveat: New Jersey, what the hell?), we now venture into somewhat uncharted waters. Gone are the gold mines, the New Yorks, the Californias, the Massachussetts. In their absence we find locales that certainly have promise, but for whatever reason (high hick population, over-saturation of dairy, too many corn fields, lack of a coast (unless they really suck -- I'm looking at you Connecticut)) have fallen to these latter rounds of the draft. That's not to say that these states don't have something to offer each of the fantasy drafters, it just means that they'll have to work a little harder to establish themselves as essential areas in each drafter's portfolio. And so, with that, on to round 5.

In round 5, a bunch of states were picked. Sarah and Sydney took Idaho and Wisconsin respectively with the first two picks. Upon the completion of these selections they immediately issued a press release stating that they were withholding the sale of all mashed potatoes in the United States until their demands were met. They did not issue any demands. Albert, in response to this obvious act of tuber suppression, then drafted Delaware and proceeded to have his new state declare war on these dastardly females. Dan and Bryan, not nearly as militaristic, nor as obsessed with 'taters' as Albert, chose to ignore the infamous potato edict, and instead decided to get back to their Hispanic roots. They drafted New Mexico and Arizona. Chris followed by drafting Michigan, and was quoted as saying, 'no way they can keep me out of law school now, bitches.' Adam finished the round by taking Wyoming, noting 'me and Smokey are gonna get so high. How're you gonna tell me a bear named Smokey doesn't hit this shit. I mean cmon, try to make that argument.'

Round 6 was, to say the least, utterly forgettable. North Dakota, Ohio, Minnesota, West Virginia, Utah, Connecticut, Rhode Island. Sure, the last two east coast states were taken, but if you consider that a bargain in any sense, I have a ibm 286 that I'd be willing to sell you. It's got DOS and everything. You remember DOS, don't you? As for the rest of the round: North Dakota? I guess they're close to Canada. Ohio? They've got Cleveland. Minnesota? The Twin Cities (wouldn't one really big city be that much easier). West Virginia? I suppose that being able to marry your cousin does have some perks (fewer total family members at the wedding). And Utah? Have you ever met a Mormon on a mission? Now imagine a full state of that. Yikes.

Round 7. I'm not gonna lie. I think there were more value picks in this round then the one preceding it. South Dakota and Missouri were both quality choices. Anyone who's been to South Dakota and seen the Badlands, Custer National Park, or the Crazy Horse memorial knows what I'm talking about. Missouri. Well they have St. Louis, which has the Budweiser Brewery, which has vats and vats of cold, cool Busch Light. 'Nuff said. As for the other selections, Albert got good value with his Indiana pick, if not only for the value that the movie Hoosiers brings it. Bryan's pick of Puerto Rico in this round, while at first slightly confusing, makes sense. For, you see, at this point, the drafters were really fishing in the dregs of the state barrel. Oklahoma, Mississippi, Alabama, Kansas, Arkansas, Nebraska. Those are the states that were left on the board, and to be honest, they're all pretty miserable. However, Dan, Chris, and Adam's American loyalty precluded them from taking a territory before all the states were exhausted. For that, they should be commended and given purple hearts. Bryan, conversely, should be (and has since been) tried for treason.

Bryan's trial notwithstanding, we come now to the eighth and final round of this draft. Adam, Chris, and Bryan (obviously attempting to win points with the judge), selected Kansas, Arkansas, and Nebraska with the first three picks of this round. I'd like to say something about them, honestly, but if you lined those three states up next to each other in a bar, I'm not sure I'd be able to tell them apart. That's not to say that I wouldn't go home with one of them at the end of the night, I do things like that. I'm just saying that I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to remember which one it was during the awkward morning after. It'd be even worse when I got home to hang out with my friends, and they'd be like, 'dude, I can't believe you went home with Kansas last night!' and I'd be like, 'shit, Kansas? I was calling her Nebraska all night.' But I digress. The last four picks of the round were the US Virgin Islands (Dan), Northern Mariana Islands (Albert), Guam (Sydney), and Micronesia (Sarah). I don't really know too much about these territories, except the likely incontrovertible fact that the US invaded them many years ago and has since refused to grant them their autonomy. Hooray democracy. And with that, hooray draft, I'm out.”

50 States Draft - Final Results

2005-07-18T14:48:00.000-04:00

Sarah - Black (NY, VT, ME, ID, MT, SD, RI, Micronesia)

Sydney - Red (CA, OR, WA, WI, MO, KY, CT, Guam)

Albert - Yellow (HI, UT, LA, FL, SC, IN, DE, Northern Mariana Islands)

Dan - Blue (MA, CO, NM, OK, GA, WV, MD, US Virgin Islands)

Bryan - Green (NV, NJ, AZ, NE, MN, IA DC, Puerto Rico)

Chris - Purple (AR, TX, MI, MS, PA, OH, IL, TN)

Adam - Dark Green (AK, WY, ND, KS, VA, NC, AL, NH)

50 States Draft - Rounds 5, 6, 7 and 8

2005-07-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

Round 5:

Sarah - Idaho
Sydney - Wisconsin
Albert - Delaware
Dan - New Mexico
Bryan - Arizona
Chris - Michigan
Adam - Wyoming

Round 6:

Adam - North Dakota
Chris - Ohio
Bryan - Minnesota
Dan - West Virginia
Albert - Utah
Sydney - Connecticut
Sarah - Rhode Island

Round 7:

Sarah - South Dakota
Sydney - Missouri
Albert - Indiana
Dan - Oklahoma
Bryan - Puerto Rico
Chris - Mississippi
Adam - Alabama

Round 8:

Adam - Kansas
Chris - Arkansas
Bryan - Nebraska
Dan - US Virgin Islands
Albert - Northern Mariana Islands
Sydney - Guam
Sarah - Micronesia

50 States Draft - Rounds 3 and 4

2005-07-15T14:16:00.000-04:00

Round 3:
Sarah - Maine
Sydney - Washington
Albert - Louisiana
Dan - Colorado
Bryan - Washington, DC
Chris - Pennsylvania
Adam - New Hampshire

Round 4:
Adam - Virginia
Chris - Tennessee
Bryan - Iowa
Dan - Maryland
Albert - South Carolina
Sydney - Kentucky
Sarah - Montana

Expert Analysis:
Sarah continued her assault on the northern states in the next two rounds, again proving her hatred of all things south of New York City. Sydney managed to get a firm grip on the west coast and then moved inland to Kentucky, no word whether this choice was made because of Big Bone Lick State Park in the Northern part of the state. (Thnx to tractor chic for the tip-off about this one...just don't know how to handle a big bone)

Albert is excited about his selection of Louisiana because of Mardi Gras, but I don't think he realizes that you need to be a certain height to catch beads. Its tough to get anything thrown from a parade when 12-year-olds tower over you. Dan is dotting the landscape in choosing Colorado and Maryland, both solid middle round selections. Dan is the second person to take his home state.

Bryan heard about some baseball field and thus selected Iowa. He then infuriated Albert by taking the other primo retirement community in the 5th round by taking Arizona. A big fan of history, Chris took 2 states full of it in Pennsylvania and Tennessee. Psychologists think that Chris, like the inhabitants of these states, desires to obscure his redneck leanings by pretending to have a bit of culture.

Adam felt that New Hampshire's motto was akin to one of his most beloved rap artist's lyrics and so chose the state at the end of round 3. Citing a desire to add more racecar tracks to his stockpile, Adam picked up Virginia in the 4th round.