Fantasy Drafts

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Grades On Selecting Print Media

9:48 PM

I hope you laugh, I hope you cry, I hope my monkey doesnt do the dog. More often than not people will disagree with what i have said. There were key things missing: US Weekly, American School Board Journal, and Diverse: Issues in Higher Education. Other than that they really got their peas and carrots. Bravo, I havent given this many good grades, well since I was giving them away for sex, man did i love being a teacher -- 8 year olds, dude.

Adam: Washington Post – 751,871 ~ New York Review of Books, 124,598 ~ The Onion 153,000 ~ National Geographic, 5,431,117 ~ Foreign Affairs, 135,174 ~ Harper’s, 227,583 ~ Times of London, N/A (THIS IS AMERICA). Total: 6,823,343

The Washington Post is a serviceable pick #2 overall, debatably the second best paper (reputation wise) in the United States. However, you don’t want a serviceable pick in the first round; sure you get a great view of the politics in D.C., but you could get a good view of an intern on all fours by checking out a back stairwell, talk about your deep throat. The NY Review of Books is a great second round selection, a quite snooty publication, geared to the intelligentsia of our society, but if you were really an intellectual wouldn’t you be able to skim a book and thereupon announce its merit on your own? Onion, adding hilarity to fact to review, solid, plus it tastes good fried. National Geo – for most of us our first nudie magazine, and while there are better mags – Milf Hunter™, and playboy – at least it’s the most grossing periodical of skin in the history of the world. We get a little international flair with the next selection, but I have skimmed the pub and there are absolutely no pictures of Margaret Thatcher in drag. Harper’s, sometimes a great source that serves to motivate the national debate past such topics as scientology, but for the love of god Katie Holmes is a prego.

3 real good picks, 3 decent picks and 1 so-so that reach a total of 6,823,343 readers. Worthy of a borderline megalomaniac, watch out Rupert Murdock: B

Chris: New York Times, 1,136,433 ~ Time, 4,034,061 ~ Rolling Stone 1,315,634 ~ Financial Times, 486,463 ~ Sports Illustrated, 3,300,000 ~ Christian Science Monitor, 59,179 ~ InStyle, 1,793,902 ~ Roll Call, 5,600. Total: 12,131,272

Chris started out in NYC and more or less stayed there, unfortunately for his draft New York is not the center of the universe, no matter what NY pubs say. That being said taking NY Times is just the goliath you needed to start this draft off, I mean what other publication could readily admit to making up stories and then continue being the mecca of media for the USofA. Time, don’t think I have ever read it, I remember it had a picture of the moon on the cover once, but it just looked boring. Yes I just said 4.1 million people read something that is boring. I get Rolling Stone for free, they put me onto a band called The Fray, which I enjoy, plus their name reminds of Like a Rolling Stone, and consequently Bob Dylan – go watch No Direction Home Immediately (good pick). Financial Times, points for mounting diversity in ownership, but is Sam Waterson in their commercials; I think no (go T Rowe Price). SI, yet another skin mag, I remember sharing a swimsuit issue with 14 guys in a 9 seat van on our way to national wrestling championships – someone got wood, it was weird. CSM is considered a national pub, plus it has a bureau in Jerusalem, now that is fucking original. InStyle – a woman’s general interest pub – still I like the diversification, it does provide the private side of public faces, but alas no pictures of Bloomberg’s butt. Roll Call holds a special place in my heart, being the first pub who I was able to convince to cover a story, it centered on Sandy Kress; way to know my life history Chris!

4 pretty darn good country pie picks, 3 adequate blueberry surprises, however can you feed 12.2 million people on pie? Well Jesus can he became a Christian, therefore: B+

Dan: Economist, 523,057 ~, 1,263,813 per month ~ Forbes, 925,959 ~ The Observer, N/A (THIS IS AMERICA) ~ LA Times, 907,997 ~ Playboy, 3,051,344 ~ ESPN, the Magazine, 1,858,079 ~ Ploughshares N/A. Total: you figure it out!

Does unemployed alcoholic Dan read the Economist? I’ll bet my towel with an imprint of the vision of Johanna he doesn’t. Why is the Economist like the pseudo-cool magazine for yo-pros to proclaim their enjoyment of? No really tell me why; I am currently reading a James Patterson book with grandma print. Salon, I hear good things, but still it doesn’t seem Dan, maybe if he took (the man hawks meat for Christ sake). Another financial pub? Seriously after we auction of a date with Sydney we are launching a HIRE DAN campaign; he’s real boney, like a chicken wing. I don’t like the LA Times, they could be great but seem lazy, maybe that’s what things do in California, man I love California, but the LA Times hasn’t done anything significant for me ever, although they do write about half the San Francisco Chronicle. Now we are getting to Dan’s alley, playboy, ESPN, and Ploughshares – me thinks he Freudian wants to see horse porn, but Dan Playboy is not Hustler. Big ups for Ploughshares, a truly insightful pub, bringing great current work to the public.

Dan, as he has been since third grade, uninspiring. 2 great picks, 2 alright picks, and 3 borderline trytophanic selections. Dan now has a bed, so I suggest he go there, grab the Playboy and cry silently while jerking off, it’s what I’m hearing from the public and 1.9 million people cant be wrong: C.

S.: New Yorker, 1,054,167 ~ Atlantic Monthly, 405, 732 ~ Nature, 61,618 ~ Scientific American, 582,768 ~ Vanity Fair, 1,136,824 ~ Reason, 52,000 ~ McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern N/A ~ Foreign Policy, 64,891. Total: 2,221,176.

S. made me do a lot of work for this commentary, which sucks because I just put in a ten hour day with no lunch, so lets just say if I didn’t need sustenance I would threw up on her. I love her number one pick, great history involved with this selection, launched so many pantheon literary careers, you really cant fault it – hey pigs have funny tails. Atlantic Monthly is so elitist; I felt my cuticles start to burn as I navigated its pages, fits S. perfectly. I dug into it for those faithful fantasy draft readers, but I found Nature has nothing to do with scientology, there I said it, and therefore I don’t understand it…but man in Nature is most certainly a savage. Ok S. is quite possibly the biggest fucking nerd in the world, bigger than Adam – Scientific American, so futuristic and worldly, so unlike Back to the Future III (flying trains people). Vanity Fair, this pick really was the masterstroke of her draft, just as I was getting to my second point of nausation (caused by her uber intellectual elitism), she pulls a vanity fair, man does that magazine smell good, like my X-Girlfriend’s hair (I was going to say crotch, but I thought that might be lewd). Reason is really important, without which we would be jumping for bananas, with it we trick the bananas into coming to us, and then ensnare it. The rest, well I am tired.

4 really nice almost inspirational picks, 3 adequate. Way to go S. I no longer want to throw up on you, but I do have wood – you try letting 2.2 million people know that, its hard: A-.

Sydney: Slate ~ Wall Street Journal, 2,070,498 ~ International Herald Tribune, N/A ~ Newsweek, 3,125,971 ~ W Magazine, 460,778 ~ Wired, 611,283 ~ Gourmet, 968,135 ~ CMJ Music Monthly, 52,033. Total: 7,288,698.

Sydney starts off with a good selection, in my humble opinion the second best daily in the USofA, plus my father was once quoted in it – big ups for that knowledge (yes I am so smart I have been quoting Stuart Scott). Her second pick goes anti-domestic, which doesn’t seem patriotic to me, but whatever, Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle was a phenomenal movie. Newsweek seems a lot like Time to me, also what about Newsday, so similar, well not Newsday, except for the name – I am ambivalent here, like nachos without cheese. If there were no W Magazine, then we wouldn’t have hot secretaries in thigh highs and four inch heels, and then I wouldn’t have as large a porn selection – Bravo W, you increased my fetishes. Wired is in SF, Mamas is in SF, Mamas has the Monte Christo sandwich, therefore Wired is as good as a Monte Christo sandwich, you cant fault the syllology. Gourmet, the most diverse pick in the draft, if only more women who I knew would cook for me, or just have sex with me, yeah that’s it sex.

3 pretty damn good above par picks, 3 decent I cant fault you picks, 1 boring pick. You find me a secretary who can make delicious food, give me financial advice, program the DVD player and tune a guitar, and you sir can name your price: I got 7.3 million bucks saying at least 1 man in 7,228,698 would pay for that kind of woman: B+


Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Um... isn't Financial Times based in London? (Keep in mind that I can erase this comment and all evidence of its existence if it turns out that I'm wrong)

9:57 AM  
Blogger Almost Ignatius J. said...

I thought so. I didn't realize I was so New York-centric. Should have picked "FUCK NEW YORK MAGAZINE"

10:23 AM  
Blogger the Thin Man said...

The financial times ir esearched for my commentary was in NY, if it was the wrong pub i apologize, they do have a bureau in London. Either way it changes nothing.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

Also, does anyone else feel like they should go bathe or something after reading this commentary?

5:34 PM  
Blogger the Thin Man said...

Naww, that's pretty much what i think about continually, especially when i am at Mass

5:18 PM  
Blogger the Thin Man said...

I'm so drunk/that (pause)/i think you could kill me

8:23 AM  
Blogger Durward Kirby said...

Is anyone else concerned that the last comment was posted at 8:23 a.m.?

6:21 PM  
Blogger the Thin Man said...

God Bless Us, Everyone

i am going home!

8:09 PM  
Blogger tractor chic said...

the fantasy drafts blog has proven itself as a worthy time-wasting device at work. however, i might make a few critiques of the drafters and commentators. first, "wings over" is a FANTASTIC choice of restaurants...and this is coming from a vegetarian. do you know of any other restaurant that has inspired a cheer as joyous as "wiiiings!!"? secondly, it's SKYLINE chili, not "skiline." please inform this blogger never to visit cincinnati without this corrected information. s/he might get lynched. thirdly, i applaud sydney's selection of kentucky in the 4th round of the 50 states draft, yet feel obligated to reprimand the commentator who referred to the northern KY park as "big knob lick." it's "big bone lick." they need to get their sexually suggestive park names straight.
might i suggest a "towns with weird names" draft for the future? it could prove interesting.

4:14 PM  
Blogger tractor chic said...

the fantasy drafts blog has proven itself as a worthy time-wasting device at work. however, i might make a few critiques of the drafters and commentators. first, "wings over" is a FANTASTIC choice of restaurants...and this is coming from a vegetarian. what other restaurant has inspired a cheer as joyous as "wiiiings!!"? secondly, it's SKYLINE chili, not skiline. please inform this blogger/commentator never to visit cincinnati without this corrected information. s/he might get lynched. thirdly, i applaud sydney's selection of kentucky in the 4th round of the 50 states draft, yet feel obligated to reprimand the commentator who referred to the northern KY park as "big knob lick." it's "big bone lick." they need to get their sexually suggestive park names straight.

4:16 PM  
Blogger tractor chic said...

apologies for the multiple (though slightly varied) comments. computer issues. that is all.

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where is your motherfucking next draft? what the hell, people. you must have some incompetent morons in charge of the next one because if it takes you this long in between drafts, you are clearly a bunch of lazy idiots.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Almost Ignatius J. said...

good points tractor chic, I don't know what I was thinking with the Big Bone Lick foul-up. There's not much on I-71 south of Cincinnati beyond that and the "FLORENCE Y'ALL" water tower. Man that is awesome. I love the South. And Skyline. 4 Ways, with the onions.

also, anonymous, you too have a fairly good point. but don't you think a forced draft would be less satisfying?

it would be like me lusting after dan's sister for 10 years and then finding out she's into girls.

wait, that's not the same at all.

5:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what do you mean, "forced draft"? nobody's forcing you to do anything. people are annoyed because while this is an amazing idea, you are all too fucking lazy to amuse your growing (and now shrinking) audience. who's supposed to be the next draft coordinator or whatever, anyway?

5:22 PM  
Blogger Almost Ignatius J. said...

hmmm. these questions seem mighty directed, but, because I'm free of blame, I'll play:


something about having to be at work at 5 this morning.

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bryan? is he even a regular drafter? the leaderboard seems to indicate his total lack of participation. i say kick his ass to the curb, spit in his face, crap in his mouth, and then tell him to move it along.

onward and upward. that's what i say.

5:26 PM  
Blogger the Thin Man said...

I agree, trim the fat, trim the fat. Also i havent taken part in awhile but i did do commentary and we can all agree it made you horney or got you drunk, or maybe it is me who is horney and drunk and delirious.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Flash in the Pan said...

anonymous. you make good points. dont you also think that dan, clearly the best drafter, is getting the hose on these grades. but thats neither here nor there.
the real question is, in order to cut the fat, what shall we use, really big scissors, or a really big paring knife? the second, and slightly less important question then, is, does anyone know of a robot commenter that can lead us to a blog that will sell us one of these giant fat removing items?

5:55 PM  
Blogger Hired Hand said...

No kidding. It's time to get this going again, and I personally blame Bryan for his lack of commitment to the process. I say we institute some kind of rule for shirking administrateurs, and either (a) move it along, or (b) fire them. As anonymous says, I think we should crap in Bryan's mouth.

6:25 PM  
Blogger Almost Ignatius J. said...

It's national fecalphiliacs day!

6:43 PM  
Blogger Hired Hand said...

No shit!

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You all notice words, well notice these. It was sin, slavery, despair that hung heavy, freedom that climbed on eagle's wings to cliffs transcendant, not common rock. Everything decent supports the struggle upward agasint gravity, agaisnt death. The Devil's visions are all dazlle and no lift, more counterfit escape, the lightness of a puffball-flesh without nutrients-the lightness of a fart, a tale without substance, a boring fantasy draft.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Selfish Country Music Loving Lady said...

We sure have some wacky fans!

1:20 PM  

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